New Alcohol self help

habibi_2

Al_Mac wrote: »

Sober still and unemployed still

Good on you for the first thing, sorry about the second.

Nice to see you back

lewt

13 months for me in 25 mins........ might go to palmers green CA tomorrow to catch up with a couple of great guys from rehab. one still clean the other has been lost in action for a few months and called me today......

mariauk

lewt wrote: »

I actullay see help and support as kinda the same thing.... i think i should get meself a dictionary.......

In a way they are Lewt but help and support come in more forms than just going to AA or Al-anon. For as many people who have been helped , there are also people who can`t bring themselves to use the services or don`t feel that it`s for them. These are the people that also need to know that someone is there for them to talk to and share life`s heavy load and not being made to feel "different" because they don`t feel comfortable in group situations like AA.

lewt

I see your point, i never thought AA would be for me either.

The way i see it now is, i have an alky voice in my head and also my voice. the confussing thing is that they sound the same. so when my head tells me i dont want to go to a meeting the chances are thats my alky voice being cunning so i have to think back over the day or week to see if i have spent enough time talking to other alkys and/or doing my daily stuffto double chack.

my alky voice can also baffle me by tricking me in to thinking that i'm ok and dont have resentment or im not fearfull when really i am, i have to meditate and talk to god over things like this......

My thinking got me in to the mess i was in 13 months ago, i had to take on a different school of thinking in order to recover and i had to be ready to go to any legths to do so.

I tried going to councilling and doing drink dairys , cutting down and most things i could find in northampton. but nothing worked for me. maybe cause i wasnt ready. maybe not. i now that just stopping rinking isnt enough for me as drunk or sober without the 12 step program i cant manage my life.

I said it in a post up there ^ i can support people in wanting to stop i know there are people habbi inculded that can help familys. something she can do alot better than m as she has been there. if there are any people out there that can say they have succsessfully managed to control their drinking after being an alky or problem drinker then they are welcome to the thread. i dont know of any that have a]managed this for any significant lenght of time though or i would direct them here..

mariauk

lewt wrote: »

if there are any people out there that can say they have succsessfully managed to control their drinking after being an alky or problem drinker then they are welcome to the thread. i dont know of any that have a]managed this for any significant lenght of time though or i would direct them here..

There are quite a few that have been helped just by having people talk with them and being there for them to help them through without the 12 steps. Some of them being major contributors of the thread and some via pm`s and other means. I personally formed two very special friendships via this thread that will always be close to my heart and will always be a part of my life. These people (and others on the thread at the time) helped me through some of the worst parts of my life in helping me understand not only why for my Mum alcohol came before anything else in her life but how to cope with that as well as just "being there" for the everyday things that life throws at you.

I am not at all saying that there is anything at all wrong with AA or Al-anon the proof is in the pudding and they have proved themselves time and time again, all I am trying to say is "help and support" is not just about passing jail and going straight to AA.

feelinggood_2

Can I ask a question about Steps 8 & 9?

How does one go about making ammends when they can't remember how they harmed someone?

At my worst time, I know I did a lot wrong. I can't remember much of it though, and I know the people I hurt deserve more than a vague "I'm sorry". I don't want to dredge up bad feelings by asking them what I did, but I want to apologise and move on.

Any ideas what I can do? And any advice on how to deal with the fact that most people can't forgive?

Challenging day tomorrow - I'm going to a funeral. Its the first big social gathering since I've been pretty ill, and I know there will be a lot of food and drink on offer. One challenge after another!

Thanks in advance for any advice.

annapantscats

Feelinggood...... do you have a sponsor or someone you can chat to about the steps? I was in the same situation as yourself in that I could not actually remember alot of what I had done, exactly how I had harmed certain people, or had no knowledge of how to find some people from my past. I was also very worried that contacting some people may do more harm than good.

I was told to remember that step 8 is about willingness...would I attempt to make amends to someone, to the best of my ability, if the situation arose? And I was told that Step 9 does include the words 'wherever possible' and 'except when to do so would injure them or others'.

Now obviously this is not meant to be used as a cop-out whereby you avoid making any ammends incase you get rebuffed and your appology is not accepted. (If you were anything like me some of your actions may have caused huge upset and harm, and sometimes people cannot forgive.) But it does mean you should look at things from every angle.... If my appology is not accepted will I be so hurt that I may risk picking up a drink (i.e. am I actually ready for step 9?)? If I drag up a situation from 10 years ago am I likely to ruin someones marriage/job/etc? Will I be putting myself in physical danger if I contact someone from my drinking days? If I dont know how to find someone who I hurt, is it ok to write a letter to them detailing my amends, even if I never get to give them the letter? I dont know exactly what I did, can I make a general (but no less heart-felt) apology, for any damage I may have caused, without having to ask the other person for specifics? etc etc.

My best advice would be to have a chat with someone you trust, who you see as having gone through the steps in a way that was beneficial to them, and who you feel comfortable with. Just remember that doing the steps is about changing your life for the better...it is not about beating yourself up for things you have done when drinking. And all you can ever do is your best.

Good luck for tomorrow...you CAN get through it without a drink.

P.S...you may be surprised how many people DO forgive. I honestly thought no one would forgive some of the things I did, but thankfully I was wrong. Yes, some were very blunt, accepted my appology, but made it clear that they wished to have no more contact with me, but many more were supportive and encouraging of everything I was trying to do.

feelinggood_2

Thank you very much for your post Annapantscats, you've given me a lot to think about

I don't have a sponsor at the moment as I'm unable to attend face to face meetings, but I'll raise this issue in one of my online step study meetings. If I work up the courage I'll ask my mum for advice too. I'd love to be able to discuss the steps with her, she has been sober for almost 20 years and would no doubt have a lot of knowledge.

brodev

mariauk wrote: »

In a way they are Lewt but help and support come in more forms than just going to AA or Al-anon. For as many people who have been helped , there are also people who can`t bring themselves to use the services or don`t feel that it`s for them. These are the people that also need to know that someone is there for them to talk to and share life`s heavy load and not being made to feel "different" because they don`t feel comfortable in group situations like AA.

Again Maria I cannot disagree with what you say. My problem with it is that what you say implies that there is a lot of other help out there. In my experience there isn't. There is some help but not a lot. In my opinion it is like comparing the premier league with the local pub team league. They both play football with the same rules but one attracts hundreds of thousands and the other a few hundred

brodev

Hi feely it's nice to see you again. Remember that the steps are there to help you. For me the most difficult part was NOT being able to make amends because bringing up the past would have hurt others. I wanted to clean myself up but by doing so I could have damaged others. On another occasion a family member threw my effort back in my face and told me in 4 letter words to leave. Funnily enough 15 years later he came to me and apologised for his actions.
I do believe that you are very fortunate in that you have your mum who can and will help you. (if you ask)