Teenage step son that can't be bothered

NewShadow

Seanymph wrote: »

NewShadow your post made me smile in a good way - I wonder if we have the same ex?!

However a different approach is being taken here - one so different as to be the opposite end of the scale in fact.

This child is being taught that he will not be listened to or considered not matter what the circumstances, and the only way to influence his life is by disconnecting from people. And that's equally disfunctional in an adult partner.

Completely. Other than a knee jerk reaction (obviously still very bitter), I just wanted to respond that these early attitudes do grow. My ex had all the support and encouragement available, but had and still has a 'can't be bothered' attitude.

Yes, sometimes 'can't be bothered' can be masking some other issue, but it's important to say that it can also be simple selfishness or laziness. Giving a 13year old an excuse may not be the best thing in the world.

I'd pull him out of everything until he 'earns' them back - especially if he was telling me 'can't be bothered'.

patchwork_cat

hopfarm wrote: »

Thank you so much for all your mixed replies , they are all helpful in there own ways except perhaps the last comment . I am the step parent of a 14 year old boy whose birth mother upped and moved abroad when he was 5 . I have been part of his life for the last 9 years his birth mother has moved on and has had 2 more children who live overseas with her . I find it offensive and hurtful that you have commented that I have no right to help him achieve his maximum potential .

It is not offensive it is fact. I had step parents and they very much backed up the biological parent rather than taking the lead and that is the correct role IMO. I think that you are overstepping your role, frankly. That is my opinion .

corf999

Are you suggesting he should just abandon his guardianship responsibilities and do nothing when absent parents have long forgotten the child!

seashore22

I thought op was a woman ie stepmother.

There is a parent present. The op's husband.

I had a child with mild learning difficulties who found school incredibly hard. We also had one who was very academic and shone at school. We had to treat them differently from each other and not expect the same outcomes for them. The one with learning difficulties ended up with a managerial job and has a wonderful work ethic. You would never know that she had struggled.

I think the most important thing we did was pay for her to do horse riding lessons. She rode for many years and it was something she could excel at - very important for children who struggle at school and have low self esteem as a result. Just being good at something, anything, was a life changer.

There is no way that I would suggest stopping your stepson playing football, unless you want him to give up entirely.

seashore22

I just wanted to add that we were fairly laid back parents who didn't over emphasize academic achievement. Yet with a calm parental involvement and lots of encouragement our daughter went from being very, very late to read and write to being a better speller than most of the people I see on online forums.

patchwork_cat

corf999 wrote: »

Are you suggesting he should just abandon his guardianship responsibilities and do nothing when absent parents have long forgotten the child!

I said that the OP should back up the biological parent and not take the lead and I stand by that - they should back off. The original question was is she correct in coming down hard when the child's biological parent thinks they should play it softer, well then I think that the OP is overstepping the mark and should be backing up the biological parent. The father should be taking the lead and if the father thinks to chill a bit then that is exactly how she should play it.

Jagraf

patchwork_cat wrote: »

It is not offensive it is fact. I had step parents and they very much backed up the biological parent rather than taking the lead and that is the correct role IMO. I think that you are overstepping your role, frankly. That is my opinion .

I think whatever works best in blended families. As a biological mum with OH being the step-parent I find his views much more objective than my own sometimes. Our roles are equal.

JustKeepSwimming_2

hopfarm wrote: »

Thank you so much for all your mixed replies , they are all helpful in there own ways except perhaps the last comment . I am the step parent of a 14 year old boy whose birth mother upped and moved abroad when he was 5 . I have been part of his life for the last 9 years his birth mother has moved on and has had 2 more children who live overseas with her . I find it offensive and hurtful that you have commented that I have no right to help him achieve his maximum potential .

I am surprised that others are saying this - although possibly they're reading it as you are doing the parenting as his Dad isn't (which I don't think is what you've said).

My DD 15 & DS 12 have a step-mother & she has been part of their lives for about 6 years. Both by ex & I think she has an equal say in their upbringing, & the kids stay with them for at least 1 week in 4 (often 2 in 4 but depends on ex's job as he works away). Personally I'd be more worried about sending the message that the step-parent's views don't "count" if that makes sense?

Mojisola

hopfarm wrote: »

I have come down tough, taken away his iPad, banned him from xbox and ceased all after school activities .

My husband has said we can't stop him playing football as it lets his team down, I disagree, am I beng unreasonable ?

JustKeepSwimming wrote: »

I am surprised that others are saying this - although possibly they're reading it as you are doing the parenting as his Dad isn't (which I don't think is what you've said).

It does sound as if the lad's Dad doesn't have much of a say.

YORKSHIRELASS

Just getting back on topic.. I have a lot of sympathy. My 14 yo son is driving me up the wall at the moment with his attitude to school. He is very bright, loves school and is well behaved in class but he just does not want to put the effort in. By his own admission he is lazy.

It's hard to strike the balance between letting him learn by his own mistakes and coming down hard on him for not getting the results he should be getting.

I don't think there is an easy answer. I wish you luck.