Teenage step son that can't be bothered

purpleshoes_2

Mojisola wrote: »

No, taking away everything he likes doing!

Might not work anyway, taking away things a teen likes to do until he does something he doesn't like to do (studying/homework), there's nothing to say that that kind of punishment will have the desired effect anyway.

Some people struggle with motivation. I know I did, all through my teens and beyond and at times I still do. Some people might see it as laziness, but there's also lack of confidence built into that as well.

Even as an adult, I've put off exams (Im not talking about degree exams) because of lack of motivation, but that lack of motivation also came from worry that I wasn't going to do well.

As a teen, if my mum had taken away everything I had in order to make me study, it wouldn't have worked. I always did homework, but when it came to studying for exams, I did a lot less than some people.

Some people are naturally academic, some people are grafters, some people are a combination of the two and everything else in between.

Its hard enough being a teen without having additional support needs on top. I don't know what the answer is to the situation that's going on here, but I don't think removing all his treats and banning him from something he likes is the answer.

As for letting people down, I think thats one of the worst phrases you could use in this situation, the world won't end if he's not allowed to play football, but as was said before, if this has been going on for 2 years now surely the family could have seen things weren't working before it came to a head.

purpleshoes_2

supermassive wrote: »

Yes it's important, but we're not talking about tying the child to a chair, merely taking away something he likes doing until he complies with the rules set in place to do the things he might not enjoy quite so much. This is also great preparation for adulthood.

If the OP's stepson wanted to join the army perhaps.

patchwork_cat

There is one very important point - you are his step parent. It is upto his parent to make the decisions not you

hopfarm

Thank you so much for all your mixed replies , they are all helpful in there own ways except perhaps the last comment . I am the step parent of a 14 year old boy whose birth mother upped and moved abroad when he was 5 . I have been part of his life for the last 9 years his birth mother has moved on and has had 2 more children who live overseas with her . I find it offensive and hurtful that you have commented that I have no right to help him achieve his maximum potential .

marisco_2

hopfarm wrote: »

So tonight (he goes back to school tommorow ) he can't find his completed homework , and has done no reading , my maths or put in extra homework) because he "can't be bothered" . I have come down tough , taken away his iPad , banned him from xbox and ceased all after school activities.

Instead of coming down hard on him and instantly putting so many punishments in place, it would have been wise to get to the bottom of 'cant be bothered'. That could have been very much a cry for help due to struggles of facing attempting work and a lack of confidence in being able to complete it to a good standard.

Taking away all the things that he enjoys and which help him to relax is not going to help in the long run. You are just going to add to the pressure he feels under which is totally counter productive. Talk to him and more importantly listen to what is going on for him.

Seanymph

you aren't helping him achieve HIS potential though - you are trying to push him to achieve someone else's idea of his potential.

And I speak as a step mum, and with heartfelt honesty when I say the role is different. And it should be different. He will feel differently towards you than his mum, and if you don't feel differently to him than your biological kids then you should be up for sainthood.

With one parent already abandoning him physically part of your role should be pushing his father into doing MORE of the parenting so that this boy feels that one of his two biological parents is fully engaged.

Taking point and allowing his father to take a back seat too will not help this child to feel loved and accepted as he is.

And that's the biggest and best way we can help our kids reach their potential - by accepting them and allowing them to be themselves. Even if that means he doesn't hit the targets you are setting for him.

NewShadow

hopfarm wrote: »

Also very worried about his future if he doesn't change his attitude .

I just have to comment about this bit as it's hit a very personal nerve - My ex was dysprasic and dyslexic. We were together for 8 years, from 20 to 28 until I asked him to leave (finally) about 18 months ago.

He struggled in school. Was always told he was very intelligent. Was always took that it was okay that things were hard. Had a small fortune spent on him as a child and through university on special SEN tutors, equipment, strategies. Always told by his mum that if he struggled or failed at something, it was okay/ not his fault/ he'd tried as hard as he could.

He turned into an adult that could quite happily get himself across the country or to another country for a convention; knew every little detail about where something he wanted was to be sold (including who, how, when, and exactly how much cheaper it would be if he paid in euros); the directors/actors bibliographies and lines of all his favourite games and movies; quote long sections from medieval texts (reenactor); never turn up late for an event or sale; and tell you exactly (and I mean exactly) where any of his tat was if you asked.

But... he was completely incapable (on at least 10 occasions across 8 years) of cooking a roast chicken with detailed written instructions provided.

Motivation or organisational skills were not the problem - I'm fairly sure the OP's son does not forget about when the teams playing.

Ultimately my ex was told for his entire life that nothing was his fault, so he didn't give a flying fox about anything he didn't care about. His difficulties were an excellent excuse for both him and the world that he didn't have to try.

Ultimately, yes - he does find it harder to do things.

He will always find it harder than others.

He will always have to try harder.

Its maybe not fair, but he'd better get started now, otherwise he might turn out like my ex - 29 years old, 4 weeks of work his entire life (he didn't go in for a week because he was tired and his back was sore but didn't think he had to actually had to tell his boss), and living in his mothers attic after he's girlfriend asked him to leave when he tried to kill himself.

Oh, and by the way - I'm dyslexic and have mild ASD. I had little to no help in school (my mother didn't 'believe' in it) and had to work d*mn hard for my A* GCSE in English, so yes, while I'm bitter, I also know what I'm talking about.

eskimo26

Be very careful not to turn him off from education which is very easy to do with a struggling dyspraxic or dyslexic child.

It may be he is struggling but is to embarrassed to say so? School should be providing a helper or access to a experienced professional to discuss aids and coping strategies/ways to work around it.

Alternatively if you can afford professional or some form of outside help that might be good, but be sure to get someone who understands the condition and won't get frustrated or think he is lazy or'stupid'.

Seanymph

NewShadow your post made me smile in a good way - I wonder if we have the same ex?!

However a different approach is being taken here - one so different as to be the opposite end of the scale in fact.

This child is being taught that he will not be listened to or considered not matter what the circumstances, and the only way to influence his life is by disconnecting from people. And that's equally disfunctional in an adult partner.

arbrighton

eskimo26 wrote: »

It may be he is struggling but is to embarrassed to say so? School should be providing a helper or access to a experienced professional to discuss aids and coping strategies/ways to work around it.
.

Do you mean a 'teaching assistant'. Calling us a helper is a little derogatory.

And whether or not this is being provided depends very much on funding which in turn depends on whether a child is school action, action plus or statemented.

We may not be paid much, but the money for us does have to come from somewhere. And there is never enough to go around.

I may have been a teaching assistant, but I'm certainly not 'mums army'. Degree and masters, and I am actually a qualified teacher. I was supporting students in A level science lessons and one to one sessions explaining and supporting them. I charge £30 an hour for that as a private tutor.