Teenage step son that can't be bothered

fivetide

Spendless wrote: »

We've told kids they can come home have a snack, change, feed their pet and have free time until x then it is homework time.

I try the same just switch the last bit round. We sit and talk about the work during the snack time and I stay on hand to help out as needed.

Get the homework done and the rest of the night can be PlayStation or TV/chill out.

supermassive

I'm strict like this with the children I have in my care at regular intervals (Niece, Nephew, Younger Brother) in a similar way. They each have varying degrees of dyslexia/dyspraxia/ADHD etc. Very 'trying' aspects of their personality that can be difficult to deal with.

They need to learn that if they cannot be bothered to put the effort in when it's required (and not fun) then they won't be allowed to put the effort in when it is something they want to do.

He's let the football team down, nobody else. If asked "Why didn't you turn up" the answer will be that he couldn't be bothered to do his school work which would have allowed him to turn up.

Regardless of Dyslexia/Dyspraxia (which alot of people worsen by thinking you need to be less tough... you actually benefit from being MORE tough. Empathetic, but stricter) the child is being a lazy oaf. Welcome to having a teenager

In regards to the Dys/dys/etc you need to decide whether you're going to push the child to overcome these obstacles, or if you're going to try to work life around them. Those are the 2 routes that are available... other than ignoring it... and I think overcoming is much better. It's emotionally draining for both of you, but can be achieved with consistency.

Spendless

fivetide wrote: »

I try the same just switch the last bit round. We sit and talk about the work during the snack time and I stay on hand to help out as needed.

Get the homework done and the rest of the night can be PlayStation or TV/chill out.

We tried it that way round and found the kids really weren't in the right frame of mind to be doing homework not long after getting in.

Mine get a lot of homework eg dd came home with 5 pieces on Monday, ds was given 3 yesterday.

In addition if I'm working there's 2 hours in between them getting in and me getting home. If we make homework time later it can be at the same time everynight with me on hand.

swingaloo

If just part of the OPs posts about this child have been communicated to him in words his self esteem must be rock bottom.


My son suffered from dyslexia and dyspraxia and I can honestly say that all through his schooling life was a nightmare for him and the hours I spent sitting with him encouraging him and helping him were countless.


he now holds down a full time job - not one he would have wished to spend his life doing but its a wage- but he still has things he struggles with every day.


Perhaps you need to accept that no amount of pushing is going to help- encouragement and understanding are what he needs from you.

Mojisola

hopfarm wrote: »

he is dyslexic and possibly dyspraxia . We went to his parents evening 4 weeks ago , all the teachers commended his attitude to learning in the classroom but emphasised the importance of his need to put in extra effort in his own time .

swingaloo wrote: »

If just part of the OPs posts about this child have been communicated to him in words his self esteem must be rock bottom.

I agree with swingaloo.

Does this lad ever get praised for doing so well in class even though he has learning difficulties? If he is keeping up with the work, he will already be working much harder than his classmates.

What adjustments have the school made to help him with his problems? My son's school were hopeless - I pointed out that they wouldn't just keep telling a child in a wheelchair to make more effort so that he could run around like the other children, they made adjustments to what was expected of a child with physical disabilities.

After that, they were willing to accept changes - where appropriate, my son could use a computer instead of hand writing work, he recorded other work and I typed it for him, the amount of work was reduced in some cases (eg. if he'd done ten sums and got them right, he didn't need to do the other ten), we bought a programme so that the computer read to him (if the exercise was comprehension, he didn't need to sweat over reading the passage first), etc.

Get yourselves, the school and the lad involved in how he can work smarter rather than just asking him to work harder and harder.

z.n

My slightly older teenage boy is known by most teachers for being disorganised- we play bingo and usually get a full sweep at parent's evening. That means, turning up without books/pen etc, late homework, late return of forms/losing clothing and equipment. I have no idea if it is normal- it is our normal. So that means I have to remind/ask him about all the usual things and make sure there is time in his day for the things he needs and wants to do. Over time he has improved and a lot of things happen now without my imput. I could view it as laziness but it is something separate- just how he is and we work round it.

One thing is certain though- any shouting or yelling about it simply makes matters worse. Quietly, calmly going down the same list of items with small rewards for successful completion goes much better.

And, for a teenage boy, the absolutely last thing you should do is stop the sport. It impacts on social postion, ability to deal with testosterone surges and general sense of well-being.

disabled_NCIS_fan

I'm 23 and dyslexic. We only found out recently but the signs were there. Shouting and yelling and punishing me because I was sick of working so hard just to keep up and hate extra work didn't and doesn't help. Really it made me start to hate people. But sitting with me, talking things through and letting me have input in how things would work and things got better. Yes I love reading, have since a kid, but getting sicker the dyslexia got worse and I started to hate it and leave assignments till the last minute. I was embaressed to admit the words were having a ballet across the page. With the right tools and help and support I'm doing well. I will stress though that including me in decisions, not just been told what to do is what helped me the most.

arbrighton

Regardless of his SPLD, he's now a teenager, and you are not actually his mother, any putting the foot down is likely to have the exact opposite effect of what you want. I think taking away the Ipad is a bit extreme- perhaps it should be 'only allowed when you have done your homework'
He will be exhausted by the effort he puts in at school- does he get any additional support at school with strategies to deal with his difficulties, e.g. literacy input or help with organisation, or revision strategies that work for him?
Also, any homework task will probably take longer for him to complete than his peers and if it feels overwhelming or he thinks he will get hassle regardless of whether he tries, it's probably easier just to not even try to do it. Is the homework appropriate for him or is it inaccessible to him due to his difficulties? Would you want to do extra reading if you found it really difficult, and it perhaps gave you a headache?

For goodness sake, don't stop the sport, which will help with co-ordination, motivation and self-esteem, which is probably sorely lacking.

Finally, please consider the potential impact of very little contact with his mother, and having just seen her on him, at a time in his life when hormones and confusion are probably adding to the mix. Your viewpoint that he cannot be bothered is possibly self perpetuating

(former teaching assistant and tutor)

arbrighton

hopfarm wrote: »

) he can't find his completed homework , and has done no reading , my maths or put in extra homework) because he "can't be bothered" . I have come down tough , taken away his iPad , banned him from xbox and ceased all after school activities . My husband has said we can't stop him playing football as it lets his team down , I disagree , am I beng unreasonable ?

Would you really expect any teenager to do 'extra' homework, especially over the Christmas break?? I wouldn't, bar perhaps Y10 upwards when they may well have mocks (but equally many won't have done)
You are being extremely unreasonable taking all those steps.

lostinrates

arbrighton wrote: »

Would you really expect any teenager to do 'extra' homework, especially over the Christmas break?? I wouldn't, bar perhaps Y10 upwards when they may well have mocks (but equally many won't have done)
You are being extremely unreasonable taking all those steps.

Yes. But not always self motivated unless the child is extremely driven. Children in other educational regimes may well do more self study than the average British schools child. Including holiday work. IMO its one of the failings of the the British state system, and showed a lot in first year undergrads when I was a student. As we can assume all people are equal, including more self motivated kids its not unreasonable to set targets for work over long holidays.

It is unrealistic and unfair to leave a child who has shown motivation is a hurdle and has educational difficulties AND has an emotional visit with a parent to 'get on with it' with no monitoring, help and then be so dismayed at the end of this period that would have been a prime opportunity to help establish a good holiday and weekend routine of say, forty minutes twice a day.

supermassive wrote: »

I'm strict like this with the children I have in my care at regular intervals (Niece, Nephew, Younger Brother) in a similar way. They each have varying degrees of dyslexia/dyspraxia/ADHD etc. Very 'trying' aspects of their personality that can be difficult to deal with.

They need to learn that if they cannot be bothered to put the effort in when it's required (and not fun) then they won't be allowed to put the effort in when it is something they want to do.

He's let the football team down, nobody else. If asked "Why didn't you turn up" the answer will be that he couldn't be bothered to do his school work which would have allowed him to turn up.

Regardless of Dyslexia/Dyspraxia (which alot of people worsen by thinking you need to be less tough... you actually benefit from being MORE tough. Empathetic, but stricter) the child is being a lazy oaf. Welcome to having a teenager

In regards to the Dys/dys/etc you need to decide whether you're going to push the child to overcome these obstacles, or if you're going to try to work life around them. Those are the 2 routes that are available... other than ignoring it... and I think overcoming is much better. It's emotionally draining for both of you, but can be achieved with consistency.

Strict doesn't have to be demoralising, nor involve removing the sport. Sport is good for learning development as well as other aspects of health. I've highlighted the relevant bit IMO, that it involves both the child AND the adult/s to be involved. If the child is 'failing' then some active 'parenting' ( or being an uncle or big brother, or in my case aunt or person taking care of child) is required. And yes, its hard work for the adult too! But its important. Things like sport and time away from the books to do other activities, particularly physical ones, are, IMO pretty important too.