Teenage step son that can't be bothered

GobbledyGook

Also if football is the thing he loves the most, and finds easy, do not underestimate how important that is for his self esteem.

My DD2 has a long list of health problems and learning issues. She's also a hot-headed, stubborn madam at times. Swimming is the one thing in life that she's good at without having to work ten times harder than everyone else. For me it's the one thing that will never be part of our discipline routine because it's too important that she has one activity/place where she feels good/normal/confident.

Seanymph

Parenting is about supporting our children (and others in our care) to achieve what they want. Not what you want, or what the education system says they should, but their potential, in their chosen field.

This is a young person, becoming an adult, and 'because I said so or I'll punish you' is not working here. As you are the adult and he is the young person the responsibility for the breakdown and unhappiness (his) is yours.

What you are teaching him is passive aggressive responses because you are not hearing him, or giving him choices, any other way.

'Can't be bothered' is code for 'I'm angry, and non co-operation is all you have left me to use to assert myself as an individual.

Give him choices - do you want to do your homework before tea, or after. what would work best for you?

I want you to spend half an hour with a book and no electronic gadgetry, but you can choose the book.

I will provide a tutor for you once a week, which subject do you think will help you best.

I recently watched the most awesome Tedx video on youtube (if you bother to look they are really worthwhile) where a 12 year old, who was in the special needs section and written off presents his theorum that it is believed may well get him the noble prize. He is now at Princeton.

he says that people have to spend less time learning and more time thinking.

You are not allowing this child in your care to think - you are doing all of that for him, setting his ambitions, setting his targets, controlling his life.

You are all in for a world of heartache if his father continues to abdicate his responsibility to you and you continue to treat this young man in such a heartless manner.

supermassive

lostinrates wrote: »

Yes. But not always self motivated unless the child is extremely driven. Children in other educational regimes may well do more self study than the average British schools child. Including holiday work. IMO its one of the failings of the the British state system, and showed a lot in first year undergrads when I was a student. As we can assume all people are equal, including more self motivated kids its not unreasonable to set targets for work over long holidays.

It is unrealistic and unfair to leave a child who has shown motivation is a hurdle and has educational difficulties AND has an emotional visit with a parent to 'get on with it' with no monitoring, help and then be so dismayed at the end of this period that would have been a prime opportunity to help establish a good holiday and weekend routine of say, forty minutes twice a day.




Strict doesn't have to be demoralising, nor involve removing the sport. Sport is good for learning development as well as other aspects of health. I've highlighted the relevant bit IMO, that it involves both the child AND the adult/s to be involved. If the child is 'failing' then some active 'parenting' ( or being an uncle or big brother, or in my case aunt or person taking care of child) is required. And yes, its hard work for the adult too! But its important. Things like sport and time away from the books to do other activities, particularly physical ones, are, IMO pretty important too.

Yes it's important, but we're not talking about tying the child to a chair, merely taking away something he likes doing until he complies with the rules set in place to do the things he might not enjoy quite so much. This is also great preparation for adulthood.

lostinrates

supermassive wrote: »

Yes it's important, but we're not talking about tying the child to a chair, merely taking away something he likes doing until he complies with the rules set in place to do the things he might not enjoy quite so much. This is also great preparation for adulthood.

In adult hood he's going to have to balance and prioritise. Learning to chose sport over tv time is no bad choice IMO.

And it will be him making these priority choices. Better he learn to budget time that can balance some sport and some work and some socialising than think that improvement and achievement means no life and it really is an all or nothing choice for him.

GwylimT

Attempt to copy a passage in greek, it is a fairly accurate way of portraying some of the problems those with dyslexia face. For many people witb dyslexia punishment is much easier to accept rather than feeling embarrassed and frustrated because you can't do something 'easy'.

Mojisola

supermassive wrote: »

Yes it's important, but we're not talking about tying the child to a chair, merely taking away something he likes doing until he complies with the rules set in place to do the things he might not enjoy quite so much. This is also great preparation for adulthood.

No, taking away everything he likes doing!

barbie_babe

I am dyslexic.I get very tired from reading. Also after a full day learning I would be unable to do night home work. All the things you say he must do each day is way to much. Learning for people with dyslexia is very diffcult and people find there own learning styles.Reading - ask what he wants to read maybe football books and let him read them. Maybe get him to read newspaper threads from internet about a team he likes. Maybe even a few pages each day is a good start. Maths bite size might be ok but go on dyslexic webs sites to see if they suggest a better way. Dont make him do maths every night.
Do not make him give up his sports it very important he has this social event in his life. His friends will be very important to him thoughout his life.

lostinrates

barbie_babe wrote: »

I am dyslexic.I get very tired from reading. Also after a full day learning I would be unable to do night home work. .

And yet there were dyslexics at my all girls school who had a longer school day than at most British state schools, then formal school prep for boarders or day girls whose parents couldn't get them until later from five till seven. However, a difference was those girls got good extra curricular support.

candygirl

Have you discussed strategies to motivate him, with the SEN team at school?with both the dyslexia n dyspraxia, they will have a few that might help him!Also stopping him doing the sport he is good at, is imo cruel and counter productive

Mojisola

One thing that helped my (now adult) son with his reading was his Kindle.

He set it to read out to him while he followed the text - he was able to keep the momentum going without losing the sense of the story every time he struggled with a word and was able to enjoy reading instead of it being stressful. As a result of repeatedly seeing and hearing the words together, his word recognition increased significantly which meant that he was able to read other things more easily.