Envy and misdead chat - advice please

Jagraf

I learnt a long time ago not to analyse my DD behaviour too much. It drives you insane and stops you reacting in a quick and uncomplicated and clear way to something relatively straightforward.

If things take ages to sort out then when kids have real issues they are less likely to tell you for 'fear' of reaction.

Kids do mean, naughty, things. Kids do, just like adults, have emotions of greed, envy and spitefulness. Until they have experienced these emotions they won't know what those emotions are, that's what uncomplicated parenting is for.

My DD is green with envy at my new phone, she's 15. She told me it was a waste of money me having such a good phone. I just keep showing her what my new phone can do and make a joke about how rubbish hers is in comparison.

Get on with christmas and have a lovely time.

ash28

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

I wonder if you can all help.


The reaction when she got it on her birthday was out of proportion he cried and for a prolonged period of time. He said there are many games and other activities she can do that he can't on his.

However last week DD's ipod went missing. She was devastated. I couldn't understand it as only the night before I put it on charge in her room as it has run out of battery.

She hadn't moved it, I couldn't work out what had happened. We asked DS if he had seen it, he said he hadn't.

Roll on to last night, he went to his room to get something, and I said if you see her ipod on your travels please can you pop it on my bed.

I received the ipod on my pillow with a note saying he found it tucked behind his radio.

Now I have tried to think of all possibilities of how it could have arrived there and only one answer comes out.

He did a good deed with returning it, so I didn't have to turn the house upside down, but I am saddened by it. I want to have a chat about envy and the appropriate and inappropriate ways to behave. But equally I am concerned about going in too strong, as he really responded to a form of an amnesty.

Would anyone have suggestions?
Does anyone have any better suggestions?


Many thanks

I have shortened your post a bit.......

IMHO, your son's reaction to the present of a new ipod touch for his sister was totally out of proportion. The reaction you describe is something I would expect from a three or four year old, not an eleven year old.

Your son went into his sister's room, unplugged the ipod from its charger, took it and kept it for a period of time (several days?) - until you said if you see it pop it on my bed.

He stole the ipod....he took it without permission - either his sister's or yours. He lied and said he didn't have it. How long would he have kept it if you hadn't given him a way out?

For me the taking it without permission (and keeping it) is one thing and lying about it is another. In our house he would be trouble for both to be honest. There would be no excuses or mitigating circumstances.....I brought our children up to understand that telling the truth is the best policy, even if you have done something wrong. And they knew that long before the age of eleven.

If he had taken it and kept it overnight and then returned it to his sister the next morning - "sorry, I borrowed your ipod, I didn't think you'd mind", could have earned him a "it doesn't belong to you, don't take it again without asking". But he went way beyond that.

He didn't do a good deed in returning it....he was trying to get himself of a hole of his own making.

You probably should have dealt with the issue when he returned the ipod and not left it.

What happens the next time someone has something he wants?

purpleshoes_2

What is your husbands view in all this? Forgive me if I'm wrong but in times gone by I am sure you have posted threads because youve felt less than supported at home. If that's the case, I wonder how much of that is picked up by the kids.

It might be more than the iPod that's an issue. Your threads always sound like you do a lot for others and maybe don't get an awful lot back.

McCloud1

Just re the smartphone issue, I get the impression that a lot of the older crowd will not understand the gravity of the role smartphones play in connecting and the socialising of young people.

To understand how your son feels consider this: Smart phones are not new technology, they've been widespread for close to a decade. It's hardly a novelty to have one. If your son's phone is a £7.50 model then the technology will be significantly older than he is. For those of you born in the 90's, it's like if your parents had given you a gigantic 80's mobile with a pull-out aerial. Except it would have mattered less as less kids had phones, and the functionality far more comparable.

Not having one is not going to kill him and he has no automatic right to one, but it doesn't change the fact that he will be left out of things amongst his peers and will naturally feel resentful for it.

Personally I don't understand your objections to him having one. You can get them brand new for less than £100 pay as you go (because it's OLD technology, don't have to get him a £600 one) or free on a monthly contract. Not having things because he might get mugged seems a bit over-protective. Should he not have a car at 17 in case somebody steals it? In any event, thieves are likely to target expensive iphones/Samsung models, not a cheap one.

I don't see how having old, cheap technology would make him spoilt either. If he were demanding a new iPhone it'd be different.

Just my 2 cents.

purpleshoes_2

McCloud1 wrote: »

Just re the smartphone issue, I get the impression that a lot of the older crowd will not understand the gravity of the role smartphones play in connecting and the socialising of young people.

To understand how your son feels consider this: Smart phones are not new technology, they've been widespread for close to a decade. It's hardly a novelty to have one. If your son's phone is a £7.50 model then the technology will be significantly older than he is. For those of you born in the 90's, it's like if your parents had given you a gigantic 80's mobile with a pull-out aerial. Except it would have mattered less as less kids had phones, and the functionality far more comparable.

Not having one is not going to kill him and he has no automatic right to one, but it doesn't change the fact that he will be left out of things amongst his peers and will naturally feel resentful for it.

Personally I don't understand your objections to him having one. You can get them brand new for less than £100 pay as you go (because it's OLD technology, don't have to get him a £600 one) or free on a monthly contract. Not having things because he might get mugged seems a bit over-protective. Should he not have a car at 17 in case somebody steals it? In any event, thieves are likely to target expensive iphones/Samsung models, not a cheap one.

I don't see how having old, cheap technology would make him spoilt either. If he were demanding a new iPhone it'd be different.

Just my 2 cents.

I do understand even though Im in my 40s, however, I also understand that not every family will be able to afford a smartphone. Someone else posted earlier about how a child/teen managed to run up two huge bills.

I have a smartphone with unlimited texts, unlimited minutes and 1 gig of internet usage, thats £33 a month. I know some parents might easily afford that but caution needs to be used when giving a kid something that internet connects because unless they can get onto wifi wherever they go, its easy to rack up more bills if they go over an allowance.

Plus, surely if the house has internet, they can connect to most of the apps that a mobile phone has anyway.

A cheap tablet might be a compromise, again obviously he's going to need internet to connect, but speaking as someone who spent far too much money on a contract tablet (and it certainly wasn't one of the most expensive), I just bought myself one for 29 pounds and it does the job fine.

He could get a cheap tablet and get the apps he wants on that, might be something worth thinking about.

McCloud1

purpleshoes wrote: »

I do understand even though Im in my 40s, however, I also understand that not every family will be able to afford a smartphone. Someone else posted earlier about how a child/teen managed to run up two huge bills.

I have a smartphone with unlimited texts, unlimited minutes and 1 gig of internet usage, thats £33 a month. I know some parents might easily afford that but caution needs to be used when giving a kid something that internet connects because unless they can get onto wifi wherever they go, its easy to rack up more bills if they go over an allowance.

Plus, surely if the house has internet, they can connect to most of the apps that a mobile phone has anyway.

A cheap tablet might be a compromise, again obviously he's going to need internet to connect, but speaking as someone who spent far too much money on a contract tablet (and it certainly wasn't one of the most expensive), I just bought myself one for 29 pounds and it does the job fine.

He could get a cheap tablet and get the apps he wants on that, might be something worth thinking about.

Tablets are effectively just big smartphones that cannot call using the usual method, they can over wifi. Having a tablet would not protect against huge bills. He can rack up bills on all the same apps. It doesn't change the bill for his call time as he already has a phone capable of that. In any event you can protect against him racking up bills by simply setting a password on the account so he cannot authorise payments without it.

I understand not all parents can afford one, fair enough, but that doesn't appear to be the issue here.

A cheap tablet would be better than nothing, but he'll then need a phone too to make calls, and it's far less practical due to size.

McCloud1

purpleshoes wrote: »

I do understand even though Im in my 40s, however, I also understand that not every family will be able to afford a smartphone. Someone else posted earlier about how a child/teen managed to run up two huge bills.

I have a smartphone with unlimited texts, unlimited minutes and 1 gig of internet usage, thats £33 a month. I know some parents might easily afford that but caution needs to be used when giving a kid something that internet connects because unless they can get onto wifi wherever they go, its easy to rack up more bills if they go over an allowance.

Plus, surely if the house has internet, they can connect to most of the apps that a mobile phone has anyway.

A cheap tablet might be a compromise, again obviously he's going to need internet to connect, but speaking as someone who spent far too much money on a contract tablet (and it certainly wasn't one of the most expensive), I just bought myself one for 29 pounds and it does the job fine.

He could get a cheap tablet and get the apps he wants on that, might be something worth thinking about.

Oh and no, you cannot access most apps on the internet from a normal PC.

purpleshoes_2

McCloud1 wrote: »

Tablets are effectively just big smartphones that cannot call using the usual method, they can over wifi. Having a tablet would not protect against huge bills. He can rack up bills on all the same apps. It doesn't change the bill for his call time as he already has a phone capable of that. In any event you can protect against him racking up bills by simply setting a password on the account so he cannot authorise payments without it.

I understand not all parents can afford one, fair enough, but that doesn't appear to be the issue here.

A cheap tablet would be better than nothing, but he'll then need a phone too to make calls, and it's far less practical due to size.

He already has a phone, he doesn't need another one. He might want a smartphone, it's not a necessity.

But if his parents wanted to get him a smartphone then Im sure an iphone would be able to do most of the same stuff as his sister's ipod, he would have a phone that has apps. I have a couple of ipod touches (one was a gift and the other was back up as Im a fitness instructor and its not good if your ipod dies on you), but I only use them for music. My iphone Id use for music if everything else went to pot but its mainly for texts and phone calls plus occasionally internet if Im at home or out and about.

You can get kids sized android tablets for £30, my tablet isn't massive, its 7 inches.

purpleshoes_2

McCloud1 wrote: »

Oh and no, you cannot access most apps on the internet from a normal PC.

But you'd be able to from a cheap android tablet I presume?

McCloud1

purpleshoes wrote: »

He already has a phone, he doesn't need another one. He might want a smartphone, it's not a necessity.

But if his parents wanted to get him a smartphone then Im sure an iphone would be able to do most of the same stuff as his sister's ipod, he would have a phone that has apps. I have a couple of ipod touches (one was a gift and the other was back up as Im a fitness instructor and its not good if your ipod dies on you), but I only use them for music. My iphone Id use for music if everything else went to pot but its mainly for texts and phone calls plus occasionally internet if Im at home or out and about.

You can get kids sized android tablets for £30, my tablet isn't massive, its 7 inches.

I don't understand what you're trying to say. How is that any better than buying him a cheap smartphone? He now has two things to carry around and lose/get stolen.

purpleshoes wrote: »

But you'd be able to from a cheap android tablet I presume?

Yes you would, but once again, why a tablet? I don't mean to be rude, but I don't understand how what your saying responds to my posts. I simply highlighted the effect it will have on him and how he would feel, I admitted he had no automatic right to one.