Envy and misdead chat - advice please

Counting_Pennies_2

I wonder if you can all help.


My DS 11 is rather envious of his little sisters ipod. It is of a better generation based on the date we purchased it. His was purchased sooner than hers. This is the first time she has ever had something that is better than he has, due to age.


The reaction when she got it on her birthday was out of proportion he cried and for a prolonged period of time. He said there are many games and other activities she can do that he can't on his.


We discussed it at the time and stated that if he wanted the next generation that he would need to save up his pocket money and birthday money. He is getting closer to the total.


However last week DD's ipod went missing. She was devastated. I couldn't understand it as only the night before I put it on charge in her room as it has run out of battery.


She hadn't moved it, I couldn't work out what had happened. We asked DS if he had seen it, he said he hadn't.


Roll on to last night, he went to his room to get something, and I said if you see her ipod on your travels please can you pop it on my bed.


I received the ipod on my pillow with a note saying he found it tucked behind his radio.


Now I have tried to think of all possibilities of how it could have arrived there and only one answer comes out.


He did a good deed with returning it, so I didn't have to turn the house upside down, but I am saddened by it. I want to have a chat about envy and the appropriate and inappropriate ways to behave. But equally I am concerned about going in too strong, as he really responded to a form of an amnesty.


Would anyone have suggestions?


I was thinking of saying, thank you for returning the ipod to me. I think we both know that it was taken from your sisters room and that it doesn't just appear at the back of your radio.
That while it is acceptable to be envious at other things people have it is not acceptable to remove or sabotage an item that someone may have that is better than yours or because you are jealous.


Does anyone have any better suggestions?


Many thanks

Wilma33

He did the right thing in the end. I would go ahead with the wording you suggest, but praise him slightly more for returning it (presumably in good working order). He obviously took it on the spur of the moment and changed his mind once he time to think about it (which is a credit to you!). You don't want to punish him more than you would if it had never been found else he might regret returning it. I would tell him that it is very mature of him to realise what he did was wrong.

Tigsteroonie

Seems odd behaviour by your son, as it's not remotely sneaky. If he had taken it but then felt guilty, why didn't he hide it somewhere else in the house or even return it secretly to her room (eg under the bed)?

Is there any evidence on the device that he might have used it while it was missing? Different tunes, different scores on games?

Is there the remotest possibility that she took it into his room for some reason, put it down and got distracted?

Wilma33

But if he genuinely just found it then surely he would just yell down the stairs, knowing everyone would be pleased with him? He wouldn't go to the effort of writing a note and leaving it where his mum asked him to.

j.e.j.

Aww.

You're probably right, but before accusing him, I would look for clues that might prove it was him who took it, like, as another poster said, has he made any changes on it?

I would have foreseen that giving one child a better iPod than the other child has is going to cause one or two problems, tbh.

Counting_Pennies_2

Tigsteroonie wrote: »

Seems odd behaviour by your son, as it's not remotely sneaky. If he had taken it but then felt guilty, why didn't he hide it somewhere else in the house or even return it secretly to her room (eg under the bed)?

Is there any evidence on the device that he might have used it while it was missing? Different tunes, different scores on games?

Is there the remotest possibility that she took it into his room for some reason, put it down and got distracted?

This is the first deed of misbehaviour he has displayed.


He has been grumpy of late, lots of exams and feeling hard done by as we haven't got a dog yet and all of his friends have.


He is coming across a lot as a very spoilt child. Which I have to confess he does have a few nice things, we don't shower him, but he has use of the family ipad, has an ipod and a PS4, which he only plays if a friend comes round to play.


We recently (in the last few years) upgraded our house and I think he is entering into the awareness of what he has and doesn't have.


He has a mobile phone so he can text to say he has arrived at school safely and for emergencies, but it is a £7.50 one from Tesco, and all his friends have smart phones which we refuse to buy as we are concerned of the distraction it causes and how more susceptible he will be to being mugged. Also we don't feel he has a need for one. We see it as the 20p equivalent we walked about with when there were lots of phone boxes.


He has become huffy about it, and feels things are not fair, his friends have them why can't he.


So I am very much entering into the territory of him needing to understand things aren't necessarily fair all the time, that it is ok to envy but not to destroy or be mean because of it.


I am thankful in someways that he did return it and not sneakily return it some other way, as at least he still has the naivety of some honesty that a child still has.

Wilma33

You can check the "recently played" playlist to see if he listened to anything.

Better_Days

Your son made a mistake, but he also had the maturity to try and make amends. Perhaps you could consider telling him that everyone makes mistakes but what is important is that we learn from them and don't repeat them. So maybe something along the lines that you wont be so understanding if he lies to you and does something of the like again.

Also as you identify the jealousy also needs to be addressed. Could you consider taking the tack that although DD's ipod is a later generation, he has had the benefit of his for long before she had hers. Would he have the insight to consider how DD felt before when he had an ipod and she didn't?

The out of proportion reaction when DD got the ipod makes me wonder if he is a bit insecure about something - have there been changes in his life recently, is he getting bullied at school, is there anything else which could have upset him?.

Would it be possible to consider joint gifts for your children on occasion that they have to share?

Is there anything else that your son has that your DD doesn't but would like? Again trying to gently remind him that he is not hard done by. I think him saving up to buy the ipod he wants is an excellent life lesson and a good way of learning about the value of money, and that we can't always have what we want when we want it.

Counting_Pennies_2

j.e.j. wrote: »

I would have foreseen that giving one child a better iPod than the other child has is going to cause one or two problems, tbh.

The ipod was no longer available at the old generation when we purchased his sisters.


Also I think it is good for him to understand he won't always have the best. That if you want the best you have to work for it, as he is in saving up for the next generation himself.


I need to work on the envy part of him

purpleshoes_2

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

The ipod was no longer available at the old generation when we purchased his sisters.


Also I think it is good for him to understand he won't always have the best. That if you want the best you have to work for it, as he is in saving up for the next generation himself.


I need to work on the envy part of him

Some adults feel envy, its an emotion that might not be the most positive but it's there in a lot of people and I think that for kids, they might feel it more.

His sister has an ipod with better features? I don't think its the worst thing to think, I wish I had one the same as her.

Counting_Pennies_2

I also need to find ways of keeping him out of her room.


When she is asleep he seems to sneak in and take books to read (ones he read years ago, chose to give to her and is rereading them)


I think he goes in more often than we realise, and I want him to understand about her personal space.


Not sure how we can enforce it.