Envy and misdead chat - advice please

purpleshoes_2

I also think you need to cut him some slack. I can look back at times when I must have driven my mum round the bend. I grew up in a family where there wasn't much spare cash, my mum is a single parent, but when I was 11 or 12 it wasn't mobiles (no such thing), it was fashion, ridiculous fashion, your mates had it and you wanted it no matter how daft it made you look.

You can't stop him feeling envious of his sisters Ipod, as I said before its a natural emotion. If he did take it, he put it back.

I also think in the years to come you'll look back on this and very likely be thinking, I wish that 11 year old kid who took his sisters Ipod would come back, because the teen years for a lot of people are tough.

My wee brother was a great kid, but when he was about 14 he went through a stage of not wanting to wear something unless it had a well known label attached. He certainly didn't always get and a lot of that is peer pressure, but he grew out of that.

When I see him now (hes in his 30s), he doesn't walk about in labels from top to toe, he doesn't care, but he did then, but again, that's wanting what your friends have.

Kaye1

Things aren't always fair. I needed to explain my oldest that sometimes her little sister grows like crazy and needs lots of new clothes, while she still fits hers. Other times, she needs lots of things- shoes, clothes etc while her sister doesn't.


She was expecting to have new clothes whenever I bought them for LO, even if she didn't need them. Once I had explained it all, she was ok. But I also needed her to understand that sometimes, it isn't fair. While I appreciate your situation is slightly different, life isn't always fair. People aren't always fair. It's how we cope with it that matters.

tyllwyd

I think it is easy for our generation to underestimate the place that a smartphone has in teenagers lives - my DD is a bit older, and was a bit late having a smartphone and she was getting upset because when she was with her friends, they were all playing on their phones and she was sat there like a lemon with nothing to do.


Why would a smartphone be more of a distraction to your son than a new ipod is for your daughter? I can see why he might be a bit jealous and perhaps sneak into her room to borrow it.


I think there is room to compromise between a £7.50 nokia and a new top of the range phone, and I think maybe you are putting more pressure than you realise on your son, who isn't very old and is struggling to find his place in the world at the moment.

j.e.j.

How much does a smartphone cost?? A lot, I would imagine. I don't have one, mainly because I can't afford one. An ordinary cheap PAYG phone is perfectly adequate, especially for a kid, fgs.

balletshoes

j.e.j. wrote: »

How much does a smartphone cost?? A lot, I would imagine. I don't have one, mainly because I can't afford one. An ordinary cheap PAYG phone is perfectly adequate, especially for a kid, fgs.

if the OP means she has her son on a £7.50 Tesco contract, she can get her son a smartphone (and a fairly decent one too) on contract renewal time, on the same contract, with no upfront cost.

You can also, especially at this time of year, get a decent smartphone for less than £50 on payg. It won't be an iphone or a samsung newest range, but it will do what all other smartphones do.

If he's in secondary school OP, I can see why the accessibility of apps etc that his sister can get, but he can't, would be an issue for him.

Poppie68 is right in my opinion - in my day it was fragranced pencils/erasers/stationery, 3D stickers on your bags, and the style/type of schoolbag you had that was the "in" thing to have to fit in with your peers. Smartphones are the equivalent now, especially in secondary school.

FBaby

I can understand OP resistant with the smartphone, I too felt annoyed by this smart phone culture. Unfortunately, it's not just about fuctionality, but very much status and too didn't want my kids to associate status with a stupid piece of equipment.

But I agree that we live in the society we live in and we have to accept this to some extent. My kids are never amongst those who are first or even second to get the 'cool thing to have' of the moment, but they do get it at some point. We discuss it, we agree on a compromise and what they need to go to get it, I explain my reasons why they are not getting it right away (let it be financially or that I consider it is something they should earn one way or the other).

DD in the last few months is suddenly showing little interest in these popular items, and I think it is because she now is purely interested from a functionality perspective. She asked for a laptop for Christmas because she really needs it for school and also likes to watch films on it, but when I asked her which one she wanted, her answer was that she really didn't care as long as she could do what she needed to with it.

gettingtheresometime

purpleshoes wrote: »

I would never ask an 11 year old kid to do a presentation on why he wants a smartphone. Either he gets it, whether thats by saving up pocket money, or he doesn't.

Perhaps not a presentation about why he wants a smartphone but why not get him to research phones/contracts/cost ?

valk_scot

I remember it was my OH that got the petted lip when our then 16 yr old DS bought himself a tablet with his hard saved up pocket money and Saturday job earnings. OH had a tablet, it just wasn't as good as DS's and OH was always trying to "borrow" it which DS didn't like as OH would then try to keep it for ages. I had to have a few words with OH over this in the end about the shining example (not) he was setting the kids.

z.n

This made me laugh- get ready for years of it! The most important thing is for both your children to be aware that you are doing your level best to treat them equally. That might mean that it was DD 'turn' for the next new thing but that you are keeping that in mind when considering the next purchase for DS. Kids understand taking turns and fairness- but also waiting their turn.

Getting your son a smartphone opens up a whole world of potential pain. Single mum friend -twice faced with £300 plus bills. So think very carefully about the cost and how to manage access overnight etc. You would be horrified to know how many kids are posting after midnight and still expecting an instant reply-the pressure can be significant. Also, keeping kids out of the loop of facebook/twitter etc is something you need to be able to control. Ipods are easy because you can control the wifi and access to certain apps etc (facebook bullying anyone?). Smartphones with 3g are trickier to keep on top of.

My children age 14 and 16 still have basic £7.50 phones with payg plus ipod touches. DS also has a very good gaming pc to make up for the lack of internet stuff outside the home. At home I can block what I want to and switch the router off if need be. I don't view this as mollycoddling- when they earn money they can buy their own smartphones. They are luxuries not essentials and the desire to have one is primarily peer status driven. Frankly, I feel it is a good life lesson not to provide one. You cannot ever 'keep up with the Jones' unless you are a multi millionaire. So childhood is a time to learn how to live without the latest gadget. It also teaches kids not to judge others by what they do or don't have.

mgdavid

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

It would be nicer if you could find a way of replying without flying insults.

I don't personally feel I am over thinking things.
.......

I gave my opinion based on experience raising our own two children, if you take my opinion as an insult it says more about you than me. (BTW what is a 'flying' insult?)
Unfortunately (IMO, of course) the wording of your posts make it sound like you are conducting a social experiment on children in a laboratory environment. This is simple parenting, you deal with things like this all the time from an early age, to set boundaries, norms and expectations, and to teach values. This one should all be sorted in about 5 minutes. No biggie.
Obviously you don't think you are over-thinking things, that's why I mentioned it. Maybe, just maybe, as you came on here asking for input you could be receptive to a different point of view. Clearly mine is a minority point of view so it probably doesn't carry much weight with you. But it is road-tested and life-proven as a valid approach.