Envy and misdead chat - advice please

Better_Days

Well, the chat needs to include something about respect about personal space and for the belongings of others. Emphasise that it is courteous to ask before going in someone else's room and borrowing others things.

Ask him would he like it if other family members took things out of his room without asking?

Also maybe something along the lines that in the adult world taking things without asking can be construed as stealing and has serious consequences.

If he continues to go in your DD's room without asking then you will have to consider what consequences you feel will help him rethink his behaviour. I'm not sure at 11 it is so much enforcing him not going into DD room, but more getting him to realise, one way or another, that the behaviour is not acceptable.

mgdavid

I think you're over-thinking this about 1000%. Lighten up a bit (a load actually) and let them lead their own lives and sort things out between each other, they may learn to share too. I see frequent mentions of 'helicopter parents' and guess this is how it all starts.

j.e.j.

mgdavid wrote: »

I think you're over-thinking this about 1000%. Lighten up a bit (a load actually) and let them lead their own lives and sort things out between each other, they may learn to share too. I see frequent mentions of 'helicopter parents' and guess this is how it all starts.

Not necessarily. The OP might just be wanting to nip things in the bud before it descends into 'fisticuffs' :eek::rotfl:

Counting_Pennies_2

mgdavid wrote: »

I think you're over-thinking this about 1000%. Lighten up a bit (a load actually) and let them lead their own lives and sort things out between each other, they may learn to share too. I see frequent mentions of 'helicopter parents' and guess this is how it all starts.

It would be nicer if you could find a way of replying without flying insults.


I don't personally feel I am over thinking things.


I believe it is our job as parents to teach and guide our children through to becoming upstanding citizens later in life. My son has a lot of fun and also knows the meaning of hard work. He is encountering envy and jealously properly for the first time, and I am seeking advice on how to guide him through this so he doesn't believe it is acceptable to effectively steal from others when he feels something is unfair in life.

Better_Days

I don't think you are overthinking OP.

Seeking to guide your children into adulthood so that they can lead happy and fulfilled lives means that they need to understand what is socially acceptable. A parent can teach kindly and with tolerance and understanding. Lessons about taking what is not yours if not learnt until adulthood could have a substantially negative impact on the young persons life opportunities.

Leaving children to sort it out themselves results in the danger that the stronger either physically or emotionally will take advantage of the weaker. This isn't good for either, or for the parent who is abdicating their role to guide their children.

theoretica

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

He did a good deed with returning it, so I didn't have to turn the house upside down, but I am saddened by it. I want to have a chat about envy and the appropriate and inappropriate ways to behave. But equally I am concerned about going in too strong, as he really responded to a form of an amnesty.

You offered an amnesty, and he responded. I am concerned if you did talk about it exactly on the back of this that he might see you as having violated the amnesty.

That said, I think there are some very good talks to be had - about how it is advertisers jobs to get you to want something (and not buying it is a sort of beat the hype challenge), how older or simpler stuff often does the job just as well, about making choices about where to spend money, about how he can contribute to the family by not demanding expensive things, how technology advances and if you wait you get a newer or cheaper model.

Peer pressure can be a problem, is there anything he has that his friends don't?

emsywoo123

I have an 11 year old DD and 4 year old DS, so do understand the situation you had with the newer iPod out: that said if DD had got upset at something I had given DS, I would have been having some *serious* words at that point rather than now.

It is a big concept for children, but I try to convey that treating people (in this case, siblings) equally does NOT mean treating them the same. It is about an equality of opportunity and fair treatment.

Having said it is a big concept for children, I teach young adults and it is a fairly big concept for them too :rotfl::D

Jagraf

I used to steal pens from the boy next door. He had so many and I used to put them inside my jumper and go back home.

Eventually I was found out, I was told off and had to apologise to next door. End of. Ypur son made a mistake. Give him a light punishment and don't dwell on it, that will make t worse xx make sure he understands why envy isn't good.

He will grow up just fine by learning fom his mistakes. That's why we make them.

January20

Well, I'm not going to be popular for this post but......

The reaction at his sister getting the ipod was completely over the top and very much that of a spoilt child. I would have had a serious word (NOT discussion) with any child of mine who had reacted like this.

I know a lot of people will say sibling rivalry is normal, but it doesn't mean parents should ignore it and not guide their child in the right direction.

I'm however more concerned about his lack of respect for his sister's property and personal space, as well as your hesitant response to it. What to do? Decide with your partner what you expect from your son, present a united front and have a word with him (again not a discussion - it's not his space or his property).

Might be an idea to explain to him that once you've given something away, it doesn't belong to you any more!

Be kind but be firm and be clear.

laurel7172

Children from homes where they're expected to save up for things don't usually, in my experience, sulk or play up over a perfectly reasonable decision like this. Well, not for this long, anyway

Therefore, I can't help wondering how much hassle your son is getting over his £7.50 mobile-and how much social isolation he feels when excluded from all the shared smartphone stuff that happens online every night and weekend-perhaps the newer iPod runs some apps that might have let him join in with this? It's all very well to feel young people shouldn't have "expensive" tech, but it isn't we parents who have to live with the consequences. Being the only one excluded from Whatsapp might feel very isolating indeed. You did say he was sneaking into his sister's room to read old books. Maybe books from a happier time?

tl:dr : Trust you've brought him up right and investigate lonely and unhappy (or bullied) before settling on jealous or spoilt...

Good luck x