Envy and misdead chat - advice please

Savvy_Sue

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

This is the first deed of misbehaviour he has displayed.

Gosh, that's not normal! :rotfl:

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

He has been grumpy of late, lots of exams and feeling hard done by as we haven't got a dog yet and all of his friends have.

And that's definitely one to watch: "but all my friends are allowed to ... stay up until midnight / watch 15 rated films / play Grand Theft Auto ..."

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

He has become huffy about it, and feels things are not fair, his friends have them why can't he.

So I am very much entering into the territory of him needing to understand things aren't necessarily fair all the time, that it is ok to envy but not to destroy or be mean because of it.

this is key: when DS1 was about your son's age, I realised that he thought that it was my duty in life to make things 'fair' for him. And his idea of 'fair' was not, in fact, fair. So it was very easy to say to him that no, my duty as a parent was to teach him that life is NOT fair, life is tough: deal with it.

CRANKY40

About the books....could you ask him to choose his book before his sister goes to bed so that he doesn't disturb her? I can't see anything wrong with him re-reading some old favourites even if they're not age appropriate. I enjoy reading some of my old favourites to my son and how many parents made their children go and see Paddington because they wanted to see it too?

What I don't understand is why he can't share his sisters iPod to do some of the stuff he wants to. Surely she can't be on it morning noon and night and wouldn't mind letting him use it sometimes? My sister visited in the summer and went home with my Ugg boots as she really wanted some, I didn't wear them often and I can always get them back if I want them. Fair enough I'm 47 and she's 44 so we've probably had longer to practice the sharing thing, but it's not a one off, we do it all the time because we're sisters and it was how we were brought up. It wouldn't have occurred to either of my parents to stop us going in each other's bedrooms either. If we wanted to borrow something we did have to ask properly and if was expected that we wouldn't break anything we borrowed.

I would be asking your ds if he knows how the iPod got into his room and go from there judging by his reaction. I'd also have a good chat with him and ask him if anything else is bothering him. It's a funny age. My ds is 10 and the hormones are just starting to make their presence felt amongst his friends judging by some of the complaints from fellow parents. I'd say that is probably the reason for his exaggerated response to your daughters iPod. My son was moaning about some piece of plastic junk he doesn't yet have the other day and I read him a quote that a friend posted on Facebook about being grateful for what you have rather than fretting about what you don't have. It's made both him and I think a bit more about how lucky we are to have a warm house, enough food and each other.

GobbledyGook

I would have the conversation you planned - especially emphasising the fact that he had his iPod first so it's not that it's always unfair, it just so happens on this occasion she has something first (assuming he'll be able to save and get a newer one).

Going into each others rooms without permission is something we have strict rules on (DD1 makes models and I don't believe she should have to tidy them away mid-task in her own room just to protect them from her siblings). So if the books belong to her he should ask - but added to that we also have a rule whereby if someone asks to borrow something you cannot say no without a good reason (this actually also applies to the adults in our house - so I can say 'no you can't use my iPad because you've got homework/dinner/you've been misbehaving/bedtime' but not just 'no' and it works far better now imo).

With books could they put books somewhere communal? My girls have a small bookcase that either of them can take a book from. Some are DD1's books and some are DD2's.

PenguinJim

He had an opportunity to do the right thing after the deed and he took it, so he clearly regretted taking the Ipod. He therefore knows what he did was wrong. I expect he feels he's done what you asked in return for no more being said about it, and won't make the same mistake again.

Please don't bring it up again! It would be awkward and uncomfortable and a single badly-phrased sentence could cause a lot of trouble in the long-term.

For the smartphone, set a date (e.g. January 15th) for him to give a presentation as to why he should have a smartphone, and which model is the best for the money (and why). Sit down and listen through the presentation, and ask plenty of questions at the end (you'll need to know a bit about smartphones for this to work well). You still don't have to agree - set another review date for 2/3 months down the line for another presentation - but it will improve his computer skills, presentation skills and debate skills as he focuses them on something about which he is passionate. And you never know - he might have a brilliant argument for why having a smartphone is essential.

FBaby

I think your son's attitude is very typical of his age. Has he moved to secondary school yet? If so, it is even more typical. They start a new school and their priority is to fit in and that becomes the most important aim in their lives. Very unfortunately, our society is such now that being owner of the latest electronic toys seems to score very high in the acceptance factor.

This means that for your son, this ipod has a lot more meaning than just a normal ipod. The way he sees it is that you are telling him you can't afford a newer 'coolest' phone, but can get your DD a brand new ipod (when you could have got her an older one on ebay (how much younger is DD? The same age than he got his?)

I personally think you need to cut him some slack. He is going through a normal stage in his development, showed that he did wrong, but most importantly, he acted maturely by coming clean about it rather than trying to get away with what he'd done with a lie. I think this is an opportunity to talk to him about life, fitting in, valuing his worth by electronics. My DD went through this materialistic stage at that age (except as a girl it was about clothing, make up, hair etc...) and I despair that lovely DD had turned into such a materialistic superficial self-centered person. I found it hard to like her that year, but things got better in year 8 when she settled in her own person. She became the one who wasn't most popular, but who everyone likes and she is happy to go from one group to another. As a result, she turned into a very confident and relaxed person and the whole pressure of having the latest this or that just disappeared and even went the other way! She now won't wear any make up, style her hair and likes to dress in her own style.

Try to give your boy some more 1 to 1 time and talk to him about school, friends, fitting in, the importance of relationship over material things etc...

Counting_Pennies_2

emsywoo123 wrote: »

I have an 11 year old DD and 4 year old DS, so do understand the situation you had with the newer iPod out: that said if DD had got upset at something I had given DS, I would have been having some *serious* words at that point rather than now.

It is a big concept for children, but I try to convey that treating people (in this case, siblings) equally does NOT mean treating them the same. It is about an equality of opportunity and fair treatment.

Having said it is a big concept for children, I teach young adults and it is a fairly big concept for them too :rotfl::D

I did speak with him at the time. It was probably briefer than I would have liked as we were midway through opening dd presents and I had another talk with him after that.
I think the jealousy of her able to access more things is getting to him and he has stepped it up a level in the envy stakes and that is why I want to ensure I manage it right as it needs nipping in the bud.

PenguinJim

Misdeed!!

That was driving me crazy. I was thinking something had been misread, or..?

Wilma33

I'm *much* older than 11, but I would be really embarrassed to have a £7.50 phone. I imagine it is pretty horrifying for an 11 year old at school, especially secondary school(?). I think this might be a big part of the problem. When will be he allowed a smartphone? Have you discussed this with him so he knows? Would he be happy with a cheap one and a giffgaff SIM?

Poppie68

It could just be a simple sulking issue.....his younger sister has got a more update iPod that allows her to access the same as his friends can on their mobiles... he most probably sees and hears about these apps etc and wants to try them out.
While some parents don't agree with 'keeping up with the Joneses' technology is here and a 11 boy is going to feel embarrassed and isolated when stood there with a £7.50 bog standard, only call your mum phone....and his friends have the latest access all tech in their hands....I bet he doesn't even get the phone out in front of them.

In my day we compared school bags and pencil cases.....life's moved on and technology isn't going away.

purpleshoes_2

I would never ask an 11 year old kid to do a presentation on why he wants a smartphone. Either he gets it, whether thats by saving up pocket money, or he doesn't.