School dilemma, results v care

Caroline_a

Am I the only one who is shocked that the OP is worrying about hampering her 5 year old's academic progress?? My mother was an infant teacher and she would turn in her grave to hear this sort of pressure applied to a young child. Surely he has enough to cope with in his short life with a disabled sister, without having to worry if he is progressing quickly enough in his 'studies'? No wonder people thought he was 15 and it was a typo!

Please OP, let the child be a child. If you feel he isnt happy in his school then move him, but just remember that children fall in and out of friendship all the time at that age, and his apparent happiness at the thought of changing schools might just have been a transient thought.

hardpressed

Octobergirl wrote: »

blackpool_saver,
Yes, unfortunately he does awful lot that other 5 years aren't expected to do . His sister requires 1-1 for everything, eating, dressing , moving etc so from birth he has had to wait until her basic needs were met before his. He's had to learn the become much more independent at an early age, carry out tasks to help us and be on entertainment duty which is a strain in itself. We've not been able to do activities for logistical reasons and everything we do has to be planned round her needs. I realise that is something that we have done to him, but despite our best intents it happens when there is a highly dependent family member.

Having worked with children with complex needs, I have seen the effects on siblings. I think you need to find ways to get help with your daughter so the your son doesn't feel that her needs come first all the time.

Do you get any help with her outside school time? I don't mean to be harsh but I've seen many parents who have felt unable to let anyone else care for their child, they feel they are the only ones who know how to do it. You must make time for you son or the problem is only going to get worse.

Seanymph

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0H7b9faIBo

There are a lot of TED videos which are worth watching. I came late to the party of allowing my kids to be themselves rather than forcing them to conform to someone else's idea of what they should be, and judging them on what society viewed as achievements.

My daughter who was accepted to do Psychology as a degree is just finishing Textile design and the one who started Biomedical Science dropped out after one year and is now deep into Equine Science and Rehabilitation. They are both happy.

I rather wish I'd got there earlier - we did great all round things as a family, but I squished them a bit by imposing other people's standards and I wish I'd let them be themselves and valued that more.

He's little, let him be little.

[Deleted User]

I have an 18 year old who has ASD.., not to an extreme level but his life has been made very difficult due to bad schools. He can at times overtake family life and my younger son, (who is 8) can suffer because of this. I know that at times he goes into my older son and tries to calm him down himself rather than tell me (in spite of me saying its lovely of you but that's my job as parent). So however much we've tried to not make my younger son a carer, inevitably he is.

Because of the experiences with my older son, I quite deliberately placed my younger son in a very small local school. There's only 120 students there. All teachers know all children (and vice versa) and while they don't have the best academic standards, I know I can back up myself any short comings if necessary.

The one thing they do do exceptionally well, is deal with bullying. My older son was bullied, and had a head who always seemed to make excuses for the perpetrator, and as a result, the bullying carried on. When issues with my younger son occurred, they were dealt with, straight away. The school my older son was at was among the best in the area.., but they got that way by concentrating on getting as many kids through their exams as they could. This meant that the bright ones, or kids who needed more individual attention were left without their needs being met. The school actually went downhill rather quickly after my son left, their policies failed dismally.

So with my younger son, I went for nurture. Its not as intellectually stimulating as it could be, but I am certain my son will grow up whole as far as his character is concerned. I will deal with the added learning needs when he is older (he is very intelligent).

peachyprice

Blackpool_Saver wrote: »

I don't think there is anything wrong with putting some academic pressures on young children, where they are able of course.

At age 5 there is.

The rate at which children learn is not linear. This terms shining star is just as likely to be next terms Miss/Master average. Putting pressure on such young children to always perform to a high academic standard is unnecessary and harmful to their overall wellbeing.

z.n

OP your son sounds like he is quite mature for his age (the silliness with other children if anything confirms that he is over-compensating and trying to work out how to fit in with his more childish peers) so take his view on school very seriously. Yes, speak with the school, but don't discount your son's stated wish to move. I wish I had listened to my son as it would not have taken us so long to get him where he needed to be- the damage done takes years to undo.

Also, just bear in mind that the attention you are giving your son now is probably feeling rather wonderful to him- so make sure that an equivalent amount of attention goes on (eg) football or something so that he doesn't equate focused parental attention with problems at school. He sounds like a wonderful little chap.

Janepig

Octobergirl wrote: »

That does describe him B_S, he is very mature in a lot of situations, yet can do really silly things. That's the bit I don't understand. I don't think he has been bullied because of his sister, we probably have that to come. One of the other boys that came over did tell her to shut up in front of me ( she squeals when excited). I told him off for being so rude. he's not on my invite again list!

He does silly things because he's a five year old boy, that's what they do!! I often pick up children of friends' after school and to hear them and DS (who is nearly 9) in the back of the car is hilarious, the nonsense they talk and there's nothing they like more than farting noises (chicken farts under the armpit being the best!) and saying things like "willies" and "bum". I could strangle them sometimes but it's just how they are, five year old boys like silliness, and it sounds like your son doesn't get much chance to be a silly five year old. Let him be silly sometimes. He's five, not fifty.

moomoomama27 wrote: »

He is so early in his school career, although I'm shocked children enter the education system full time at 3!? That he needs to be secure.

Both my children were full time at 3 (DS was 3 years 4 months and DS was 3 years 9 months) with no ill effect. As NANU says in Wales it's a play based curriculum until they're 7 anyway. Individual schools will always pressurise children in different ways - in Wales they have introduced tests every year (like SATS) from year 2, I know some schools work the kids into the ground in preparation for the tests, sending them home with past papers, etc.., but DS's school really plays them down, other than being given a timetable for when they take place, you wouldn't know they were doing them.

Jx

Octobergirl

Thank you for all your replies. We went to see the head this morning- who was very nice and on the surface reassuring. She sees him as immature but not does not have any concerns about his behaviour or work - which is the school's main focus. I stressed a number of times it was emotional/social state that I was concerned about. She didn't really understand the demands on him having a disabled sibling, feeling that this was no different to a child getting a new baby in the family. - At best she is highlighting our concerns to other staff. (Oh, and a place at homework club!)

I still feel he would be better at the other school and feel better that I've started discussions, if he isn't more settled by March I shall start the process of moving him. I've also been to see the head at the other school today to express my interest at going on their waiting list.

We do get a few hours respite a week. DD has a carer for a few hours at the weekend, which we use to focus on him, he also goes to rugby and swimming and will start beavers in a few months. We are allocated 48 nights respite a year for her, but haven't been able to take it up yet due to her severe anxiety, which we've been on the cahms waiting list for over a year.

Counting_Pennies_2

Octobergirl wrote: »

Thank you for all your replies. We went to see the head this morning- who was very nice and on the surface reassuring. She sees him as immature but not does not have any concerns about his behaviour or work - which is the school's main focus. I stressed a number of times it was emotional/social state that I was concerned about. She didn't really understand the demands on him having a disabled sibling, feeling that this was no different to a child getting a new baby in the family. - At best she is highlighting our concerns to other staff. (Oh, and a place at homework club!)

I still feel he would be better at the other school and feel better that I've started discussions, if he isn't more settled by March I shall start the process of moving him. I've also been to see the head at the other school today to express my interest at going on their waiting list.

We do get a few hours respite a week. DD has a carer for a few hours at the weekend, which we use to focus on him, he also goes to rugby and swimming and will start beavers in a few months. We are allocated 48 nights respite a year for her, but haven't been able to take it up yet due to her severe anxiety, which we've been on the cahms waiting list for over a year.

You really must be insisting on meeting with the SENCO (Special Education Needs Co-ordinator) they deal with emotional as well a educational issues.


If the head refuses, I would ask to see your health visitor, which at age 5 you are very much entitled to still do and get a referral to the SENCO that way

Brighton_belle

Octobergirl wrote: »

She didn't really understand the demands on him having a disabled sibling, feeling that this was no different to a child getting a new baby in the family.

Seriously, I'd put him on the waiting list now.
Bet in a years time you'll be saying you so wished you had moved him earlier because he thrives at the new place.
He's said he wants to move - how wonderful if he could feel he had some control over what happens to him in life, when so much is dominated by other people's needs.
I know it is really tough being a parent, but the red lights are flashing bright and loud over what good decision it would be to move him. Just my opinion though.