School dilemma, results v care

theoretica

I believe children are defined as a 'carer' if they have a family member with major needs regardless of whether they actually do any of the care. This acknowledges the major impact which it has on their life. Just as 2nd or 4th kids get on average a different experience from 1st and only children.

On the school front it is perfectly possible other kids will pick on him (or are doing so) because of his sibling.

tyllwyd

My feeling is that at age 5, the most important thing is for the child to feel happy and secure, not whether the school is pushing him academically. If he feels happy, that will give him the space to develop to his own level, if he is unhappy, being pushed might actually have a negative effect. He's still at a stage where all he really needs is to be learning to read, basic maths skills, curiosity about the world and learning to interact with other children. If he goes up to secondary school secure in all those things, then he'll be in a good position when eventually he starts studying for GCSEs.

Errata

Octobergirl wrote: »

T

Errata, Young carers don't take children on until they are 7 here....he gets no emotional support, but we do try to have a few hours at the weekend without our daughter. A lot has been expected from him from a young age by us and this is being compounded by school.

Fair enough, but there's nothing to stop you seeking advice from Young Carers about what is best for him. Or talk to your social worker.
You say "he does silly things to fit in". Perhaps the silly things get him the attention he feels a lack of.
I don't mean to seem harsh, just pragmatic, as I've experienced this situation with a family I know. The older sibling went completely off the rails in the worst possible way because all the family concentration went on the disabled younger sibling.

jackyann

OP - do get support, from the team that care for your other child, from your children's centre, wherever you can. Your post shows the strain you are under, trying to do your best by your children.

And in the meantime, change schools (wouldn't hurt to look at a few others as well) to where you think he will be happy.
That trumps everything else, assuming the school is basically OK.
We chose the school that felt the the happiest, the most caring for our children, and let the pushy lot go elsewhere.
All in their 30s, ours all have good careers and happy personal lives.

Blackpool_Saver

Is this 'outstanding school' a private school? do they intake and arrange in a different way from the local free schools?

I don't think there is anything wrong with putting some academic pressures on young children, where they are able of course.

What concerns me here is that there doesn't seem to be any downtime.......

Octobergirl

B_S, no it's not private, a state run school. They do think highly of themselves, and the majority of parents I've spoken to are aware that it's focus is on the academic.

I spoke to DS again this evening, kids can change their minds on a whim. He is adamant he wants to change. I asked him what he would want to be different in a school and he replied everything and 'better friends'. I think this is the crux of it. I've been inviting different children home each week to try and foster new friendships outside of his threesome. to be honest I found the majority rude or obnoxious.......maybe that's just 5 year old boys?

We've pretty much decided on putting him on the waiting list for the other school. If he struggles with making friends there, they have a play leader and full time pastoral care teacher. I'm not under any illusions that it will be a magic quick fix.

I'm actually scared/nervous about discussing this with his head( we need her signature on the forms). You've highlighted to me that we haven't discussed things enough with school. I have mentioned how concerned we were about he has been doing socially/ emotionally during all his parent evenings, but from their point of view he was doing well.

I shall make an appointment tomorrow. Not quite sure how to explain our point of view diplomatically.

Errata

I think this is the crux of it. I've been inviting different children home each week to try and foster new friendships outside of his threesome. to be honest I found the majority rude or obnoxious.......maybe that's just 5 year old boys?

Not necessarily, but it's made me wonder if he's being bulled at school because his sister is different.

Blackpool_Saver

Errata wrote: »

Not necessarily, but it's made me wonder if he's being bulled at school because his sister is different.

Or he is different, more serious/grown up, so acts out (silly) to overcompensate

CRANKY40

We moved house this year. I offered to drive my son to the school he was attending before we moved. He was often unhappy there, there were children who couldn't wait to get out of school and tell other children's parents if their child had been told off. There was just a general undercurrent of nastiness if you know what I mean.

He made the decision himself to join a school where he knew one person from an outside school activity. He started in September and he is like a different child. The boy who used to tell me that he hated school is now one that can't wait to get there in the mornings. His head teacher tells me what a pleasure he is to have in school, and he made good friends very quickly as the school encourages a culture of being kind and good to each other. This school also has a play leader and a pastoral care teacher. The pastoral care teacher in particular has been amazing. Anything at all that he wasn't sure about, he only had to ask.

My little wallflower who only played with a couple of children now comes home dirty from playing rugby at play time with the boys, has a best friend that he spends a lot of time with outside school (in their house and ours) and is looking forward to going on the school holiday next year with his new friends. He was refusing to go on his previous schools holiday. School is finally how it should have been from day one for him.

I'd move yours if I were you. Especially having seen the change in my son.

Octobergirl

That does describe him B_S, he is very mature in a lot of situations, yet can do really silly things. That's the bit I don't understand. I don't think he has been bullied because of his sister, we probably have that to come. One of the other boys that came over did tell her to shut up in front of me ( she squeals when excited). I told him off for being so rude. he's not on my invite again list!

It's not the other children that gleefully tell tales about him CRANKY40, it's his 'friend's' mother!