School dilemma, results v care

Blackpool_Saver

5 years old and a young carer?

susancs

For a 5 year old child, personal, social and emotional development are the building blocks on which everything else is build upon, so I would go for a more nurturing environment. If he is happy and feels secure, he will thrive. I would look at a school with a good pastoral care reputation and I think any school that has three learning support assistants for special educational needs children in a single class must be good at recognizing and supporting children's individual needs.

Octobergirl

Thanks for your replies. No it's not a typo, he's 5 in year 1, he attended a year in nursery and reception. The nursery was quite formal and very much part of the school, where they went to assemblies, did p.e. Etc

I don't think there is a danger of him joining in with the 3 in the new school, as they have very specific diagnosed needs and are more autistic type behaviours than naughty child behaviours.

Errata, Young carers don't take children on until they are 7 here....he gets no emotional support, but we do try to have a few hours at the weekend without our daughter. A lot has been expected from him from a young age by us and this is being compounded by school.

I totally agree with the nurture over academic pushing and we also don't know what life will throw at us, I was very driven uni /career wise, which is all out of the window and yet I'm just as happy with a simpler way of life.

I guess my concern is that we haven't shared our concerns with school as we have tried to deal with it in house. They are not able to do anything about the nature of his peer group, it realise it sounds awful but there are very few that I like! I'm familiar with the other class and they are a gentler, more innocent class.

z.n

OOctobergirl, a possible problem is that your son is not making friends. A small 'gang' of three or four boys will insulate themselves from over-frazzled and competitive children, creating their own peer judged measure of success and protective shell. (DS is a sensitive soul and struggled at that age) So in your position my efforts would first be expended on trying to develop decent friendships-playdates etc. That should also help with the playground violence. However, if the problem is in fact more to do with the failures of staff to instill decency and respect into the children then I would move to somewhere happier and better run. A dog eat dog approach in primary school (endorsed or encouraged by staff) is completely wrong and will cause all sorts of damage. The sooner your son feels safe the sooner he will recover.

IME bright children will do their best (actually I think this applies to any child!) in an environment where they feel valued and respected by the adults in charge, and where good values are rigourously enforced. If the 'good' school is capable of getting a high level of results from motivated pupils then it sounds the better option to me. (eg a proportion achieve at the highest level- so the opportunity and encouragement to do so is there.)

We changed schools twice with DS- age 7 and age 9 for a combination of reasons. First school- state and not at all academically minded (DS misbehaving as bored and bullied for using long words etc). Second private and as you describe your son's school- some nice parents etc but it felt like it was all about the money and instilling aggression of one sort or another-absolutely horrid. Third time we struck gold. Small private school- good ethos, approachable staff, fantastic firm but fair discipline, kind. Such a relief to have my children positively skipping into school, having friends and just happy to be there. Lovely also to know I could trust the staff to sort out problems quickly and without fuss. No problem or worry was too small and all were sorted out in a timely way.

As your son is five i would change now unless you feel complete confidence in the staff. the fact that you are on here rather than up the school asking questions suggests you are not comfortable with them. If need be you might need to change again when your son is older- but at his age he must be happy. end of. Just because other parents are happy does not mean they are right- it mystifies me how other parents at our second school were quite happy with the bullying by pupils and staff- it was like purposeful and deliberate self-delusion. I think it was because the school adopted this 'we are the best' attitude and some of the parents bought into it, almost like they were suspending disbelief by ignoring the many problems, or were told this mantra so many times that they came to believe having children at the school made them (the parents) the best, despite the evidence to the contrary. The sad thing is the children thought this was normal, being too small to know any different and so probably didn't complain as much as they should have.

A good way of checking the situation is to investigate pupil turnover- if significant numbers are leaving then there is an endemic problem. Turnover of the nicer staff is also a clue. Obviously, it is harder to see these patterns in a state school with tight catchment, but the signs will still be there. Plus you need to get into school and have a real chat with class teacher and/or head. If they have your child's individual best interests at heart they will have plenty of time for your worries.

Octobergirl

blackpool_saver,
Yes, unfortunately he does awful lot that other 5 years aren't expected to do . His sister requires 1-1 for everything, eating, dressing , moving etc so from birth he has had to wait until her basic needs were met before his. He's had to learn the become much more independent at an early age, carry out tasks to help us and be on entertainment duty which is a strain in itself. We've not been able to do activities for logistical reasons and everything we do has to be planned round her needs. I realise that is something that we have done to him, but despite our best intents it happens when there is a highly dependent family member.

Counting_Pennies_2

You really shouldn't be thinking about moving your child away from an environment that is familiar for him without first addressing it with the school.


If the teacher is no help, you need to speak with the head. If you get no where with the head speak with the governors, who the school are reportable to.


The school might be unaware of the impact being a young carer is having on him.


They may just see him as a disruptive, attention seeking child. Also schools have a SENCO who look at the special education needs of a child. That does not mean if a child is slow, that includes the social well being of a child. I would suggest asking for a meeting with the SENCO and see what help and support they can give him to fit in and be happy

northerntwo1

Problem is children change naturally. My son is the sweet, naive boy. Nothing fazes him and nothing upsets him. Younger years at school were hard for him as he wasn't in to rough and tumble and playing fun fights so he spent time with boys he had things in common with then. These weren't the best behaved and as he is a natural pleaser this left him at times uncomfortable.

Then he got into sports and now his friendship group is very different and he's got new struggles one being the quiet child in a pack of alpha males. They don't do hurt feelings but my boy does so he's got to develop those skills and stop feeling hurt by crass yet unintentional comments from his friends.

Next year who know?

Children change and there is the chance he could be unhappy at new school too. Could you try to work on his behaviour and self esteem to see if this improves the current school. Also which school do his friends go to that he sees outside of school as when he's older it's important he can knock to play football or go to the park and if his friends live far away it could impact him then.

Octobergirl

Z.n. You've encapsulated it in a nutshell. He is one of a 3 friendship group, which causes problems in itself. They are progressively starting to compete amongst themselves now. He will walk away because his self-esteem doesn't enable him to think competitively.

And yes, I don't think the school handle this aspect well.

and yes, that is my worry, the other school is 'looser', less controlling and structured, which is why I didn't send him the first place. I thought the tightly structured approach would help him.
(He is 5, 6 in a few months).

19lottie82

notanewuser wrote: »

?????

DD could have started full time school (nursery) on her 3rd birthday. here.

Yes nursery, NOT school. They're not the same thing. Also a lot of other points don't add up if the OPs son is 5!

notanewuser

19lottie82 wrote: »

Yes nursery, NOT school. They're not the same thing. Also a lot of other points don't add up if the OPs son is 5!

It's a nursery that's part of the school. Same building, same playground, same dinners, qualified teachers. They're a fully integrated part of the school. There's no difference.