Should I tell BF not to come over?

Brallaqueen

Everyone - thank you all so much for taking the time to post.

I'm sorry for leaving things hanging and will try to address points individually, but please for all of you who have given input I want you to know that it is taken on board, it is appreciated and it is helping me put things in perspective.

Brallaqueen

As requested, some background:

We will have been together 9 months on 9 December. This is the first proper 'relationship' we have both been in and so we both obviously have baggage and are latecomers to the whole thing.

I've got a previous thread from the initial stages of the relationship about how capable he is floating around that I will find and link to.

We work together, which is how we met. I currently work the morning shift (7-2.30) and he works the evening shift (3.30 - 11).

We work in a place where you will be sacked immediately if you are found with your mobile phone on - for data protection - and it is a target driven environment so long breaks away are frowned upon. I posted from the loo and texted him when i nipped upstairs to the canteen.

lostinrates

Brallaqueen wrote: »

Everyone - thank you all so much for taking the time to post.

I'm sorry for leaving things hanging and will try to address points individually, but please for all of you who have given input I want you to know that it is taken on board, it is appreciated and it is helping me put things in perspective.

p
What a lovely response to a thread where people have been quite personal about you and your partner.

Brallaqueen

Here is the previous thread, for background.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4935075

lostinrates

He's always prepared?

He's a fixer?

He's probably not a hibernator and so will need the concept explained. Like when you turn a computer off and on again. You need to be turned off. But you are more complex than a computer so you take longer to turn off and reset. Maybe that sort of analogy might help? That he is very much part of the software that's not being bug fixed...( um, I'm not techy, this is obviously a difficult analogy for me?.) but other stuff needs to go through the process.

Other analogies might be better , lol.

Mojisola

Brallaqueen wrote: »

Here is the previous thread, for background.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4935075

So has the fact that's he's always capable and able to deal with any little problem turned into him being controlling?

What's happened in the time you've been together that you knew you'd get 20 questions from him? Does he always turn decisions you make into something about him?

Brallaqueen

balletshoes - couldn't you have called him instead of sending a text

Yes, in retrospect I definitely should have called him. Texting him was just selfish and a cop - out. I didn't want to have to deal with him and his responses and that was unfair.


pawsies - Is he usually overprotective or insecure?
pogofish - Is he prone to acting like this..?

He's a deeply caring individual. It's one of the characteristics that drew me to him in the first place. It also makes him really easy to hurt - he blames himself if someone is unhappy and feels responsible for making things right. His family have, in my opinion, used and abused his caring nature to such an extent it is unreal! And it has had repercussions that we are both still figuring out.

Mojisola - If his reaction to you saying the bit in bold is to think you're lying and try to force the 'truth' out of you, that's an issue you really need to deal with when you're better.

He won't try and force 'the truth' out of me, but he is prone to feeling that he is somehow responsible for people's misery, and will ask questions to prove or disprove the theory. I know this and side stepping it was the wrong thing to do in this case. It would have only taken second to reassure him that I'm just feeling low, but instead I left him to stew.

lostinrates - How has his week been? Maybe a compromise is the way forward? Instead of arriving tonight he could arrive tomorrow night?

He's having a great week! And when I am so miserable, it feels like salt in the wound. I've really done my best to be happy for him, but work sucks for me right now and for him it's going swimmingly well. He's not being mean or inconsiderate, he's had a really hard tme of it recently, and he deserves to be proud that he has gotten back on track, picked himself up and even got a promotion.

duchy - He sounds a bit suffocating

I really appreciate your perspective, and I can see where you are coming from.In his defence, he was not able to contact me. I dropped a text on him out of the blue and then due to work'no phone' rules, went incommunicado for hours. I can see why he came in to see me at lunch time, especially since I have now found out that he had been planning to surprise me this evening.

Mojisola - Couldn't he have phoned you during your lunch break if he wanted to speak to you?

Thank you. You have a really strong perspective on things and it helps me put things in focus. My lunch break is not set - it is whenever I have a chance to get away from the desk due to targets etc.

mgdavid - Calling him 'the chappie' and wanting to exclude him on her terms alone makes it sound like she is the possessive demanding one

This is a very fair point. As caring as he is, he's a analytical minded person with a family background that is not big on affection or emotion. I,on the other hand, am a great big emotional drama queen 95% of the time and he deals with it really well.

In some ways it helps (he can read me easier when i 'blow hot') but it also really confuses him when I go cold and shut down for the other 5%.

I call him chappie because calling him my cuddly polar bear often offends :P

Mojisola

Brallaqueen wrote: »

As caring as he is, he's a analytical minded person with a family background that is not big on affection or emotion. I,on the other hand, am a great big emotional drama queen 95% of the time and he deals with it really well.

In some ways it helps (he can read me easier when i 'blow hot') but it also really confuses him when I go cold and shut down for the other 5%.

As you recognise the differences between your ways of handling things, you should be able to work it out.

Could you have something particular you say when you're having a 5% moment so that he knows to leave you to it?

(That would mean that if you don't say it - he knows you think he has done something wrong!):)

lostinrates

Brallaqueen, of you were having an AMAZING week and he didn't want to celebrate with you how would you feel?


I'd feel hurt, and a bit.....less important. Kind of the same as I'd feel if my DH didn't respect my ' I vanna be alone' times.


This knowledge added, I'd have compromised differently. I'd still have wanted my 'bear with a sore head time, but I'd have suggested a celebratory meal out before separating for the evening, so he felt celebrated and you could then retreat guilt and worry free, and he could enjoy the weekend drying what ever it is he wanted to do.

( edit, cut that....just realised his promotion wasn't this week! Apologies!)

Brallaqueen

Mojisola wrote: »

So has the fact that's he's always capable and able to deal with any little problem turned into him being controlling?

What's happened in the time you've been together that you knew you'd get 20 questions from him? Does he always turn decisions you make into something about him?

I wouldn't call him controlling, to be honest. I think he's actually quite the opposite - he's a bone - deep people pleaser and has developed specific traits to be able to be that person in the context of his family. Cos his family is frankly weird, the techniques that serve him well there are a bust on me :P