Should I tell BF not to come over?

Mojisola

Brighton_belle wrote: »

We don't know what she said in her text (the world's worst form of communication for misunderstandings) or how long they have been together.

I would always rather talk to someone than text but there's another thread running which shows how many people hate to talk on the phone, even with their longterm partners, and communicate mostly by texts.

In this case, there was nothing to stop him phoning and actually talking. No need to come into work three hours early!

lostinrates

Mojisola wrote: »

But isn't willing to respect his partner's wishes to have some time to herself.

We don't know that yet. He might just not understand and want to communicate, and be communicated to and assured and explained to.


Wanting to resolve a problem before it becomes an 'issue' could be a good quality in many circumstances, or a bullish and oppressive one or others.

A text of don't come over would have hurt my husband deeply. A phone all, or if possible a face to face chat where I could reassure in real time that it was no reflection on my feeling for him I just needed silence, headspace and me time. ( or out time, dancing and load time on other occasions, but that doesn't happen to me any more ) would be met with indulgence and caring, even though he doesn't feel the same I've been able to communicate that its something that isn't a reflection on him/ us. Just I need balance of stimuli, and that includes lack of other people/ noise/ etc sometimes.

Mojisola

lostinrates wrote: »

We don't know that yet. He might just not understand and want to communicate, and be communicated to and assured and explained to.

Mojisola wrote: »

In this case, there was nothing to stop him phoning and actually talking. No need to come into work three hours early!

As above. .................

lostinrates

Mojisola wrote: »

As above. .................

As you said, some people prefer to text partners. Maybe he feels the need to communicate in real life. Maybe her text left him concerned? A lot of information is missing, maybe including background information about the relationship that would add perspective to sway either way, all of which is probably too much when you want to hibernate. The courtesy of communication that is fair on a partner ( and the reaction , whether understandable to you or not, does suggest he feels the communication is not 'adaquate') shouldn't be too much. .

As for the three hours early, it might be that to take lunch at same time as op, he had to start his shift pattern then.

marisco_2

Brallaqueen wrote: »

On the other hand I really don't fancy coping with 20 questions on why he can't come over - what's wrong what have I done etc etc etc - either

For your partner to respond as above, to a straightforward message simply advising that you need some quiet time this weekend, suggests he has deep set insecurities. Phoning him instead of texting him may be better in future. Tone and connotation can be misinterpreted by text.

Mojisola

Brallaqueen wrote: »

On the other hand I really don't fancy coping with 20 questions on why he can't come over - what's wrong what have I done etc etc etc - either.

lostinrates wrote: »

As you said, some people prefer to text partners. Maybe he feels the need to communicate in real life. Maybe her text left him concerned? A lot of information is missing, maybe including background information about the relationship that would add perspective to sway either way, all of which is probably too much when you want to hibernate. The courtesy of communication that is fair on a partner ( and the reaction , whether understandable to you or not, does suggest he feels the communication is not 'adaquate') shouldn't be too much. .

There's obviously background to this otherwise Brallaqueen wouldn't know that she would have to face a string of questions about her decision to have a quiet weekend alone.

Knowing that's what happen, she chose to text him.

Jagraf

It's difficult to understand the context here. My husband isn't insecure at all but sometimes he constantly follows me round for some fuss :rotfl:

Wanting to be on your own just needs explaining properly.

Izadora

As someone who can be an insecure mess at times, I know that getting a text saying "don't come over this weekend" would be likely to send me into a head-spin and, even if I was told it was nothing personal, would feel like a rejection.
I guess how long you've been together/how much time you usually spend together/whether he knows you need to hibernate sometimes/how the text was phrased etc. all make a big difference.
My boyfriend is someone who needs a lot more alone time than I do but whenever he's wanted me not there he's always told me in person. Having someone give you a hug and say "I love you and if I wanted to be with anyone this weekend it would be you but I really need some time to myself" is a lot easier to accept than just "Please don't come over."

mgdavid

Mojisola wrote: »

Saying "I've had a crappy week and just want to hibernate this weekend until I feel better" is explaining. She shouldn't need to justify why she prefers to be alone when she's feeling rough.

No basis for a lifetime relationship here then; she should do the decent thing and let him go free.

Calling him 'the chappie' and wanting to exclude him on her terms alone makes it sound like she is the possessive demanding one.

lostinrates

Mojisola wrote: »

There's obviously background to this otherwise Brallaqueen wouldn't know that she would have to face a string of questions about her decision to have a quiet weekend alone.

Knowing that's what happen, she chose to text him.

Alternatively, knowing he wouldn't understand a brief communication she denied him a full one?

Of course there is background. All relationships have them. However the trick is to learn from this about how to best communicate for mutual contentment and satisfaction.

' honey, its really not you, I am a bear with a sore head this weekend and as much as I adore you I really don't feel social or loving, even for the person I would most want to spend time with. I NEED a day to hole up and hibernate like an animal so I can try and emerge as a human, as your loving girlfriend again. I'm sorry, I know we both look forward to weekends, but feeling like this NOTHing good would come out of this tonight, I'd feel grouchy, disrespected and pressured. How about spending Sunday together? / what about coming to see if I'm fit for the world on Sunday evening/ why not take this weekend off and maybe catch an extra mid week evening together/ next week I'll even go and see that dread full man film you want to see. '