Should I tell BF not to come over?

System

I can understand needing space as sometimes i switch off myself yet i admit i find it hard giving others space. I'm a worrier and always worry that i've done something wrong or that its my fault the other person is unhappy. Bf atm isn't feeling great about things, and its thrown me. I tried giving him space (even though he said i didn't need to ) but just ended up overthinking everything. We finally talked last night and he told me when he's like this he just needs to figure things out himself and people trying to help just make that process longer so i've resolved to treat things normally but not worry about everything. Though its different for us as we are long distance so don't see each other everyday.

Communication is key i think having things explained to me means im less likely to castrophisize things and give the person the space they need without worrying.

Brallaqueen

To Update - things are looking good. I'm feeling better now that you have all helped me see things through different eyes.

Work still is a nightmare but I'm feeling much better placed to cope now that I'm home and away from the whole situation (friday evening, whole weekend ahead of me!) so concentrating on cheering myself up and building up my armour for Monday.

Him turning up at lunch was a surprise which knocked me off kilter, but it was a good thing overall. He was able to reassure himself I was OK and not upset with him, and he reassured me that he understands that I'm just not in a good place right now and that he respects that, and is giving me the space I've asked for.

lostinrates

Brallaqueen wrote: »

To Update - things are looking good. I'm feeling better now that you have all helped me see things through different eyes.

Work still is a nightmare but I'm feeling much better placed to cope now that I'm home and away from the whole situation (friday evening, whole weekend ahead of me!) so concentrating on cheering myself up and building up my armour for Monday.

Him turning up at lunch was a surprise which knocked me off kilter, but it was a good thing overall. He was able to reassure himself I was OK and not upset with him, and he reassured me that he understands that I'm just not in a good place right now and that he respects that, and is giving me the space I've asked for.

I'm glad its worked out. Tbh, you both sound like nice people.

Lily-Rose_3

Brallaqueen wrote: »

Well I texted him not to come over tonight. He turns up to work three hours early so that he can speak to me during my lunch hour. We work together but on different shifts.

Not sure if happy about this or not.

No that would not please me. A boyfriend I used to have, used to wait for me EVERY lunchtime when I was in an office near the shopping centre, just so he could walk round with me and have lunch with me. (His workplace was 5 mins walk from mine, and we were both near the shops.) Used to drive me nuts. I was glad when I changed jobs and it was 10 miles away from him. It lasted 5 months before I ended it.

Jagraf wrote: »

It's difficult to understand the context here. My husband isn't insecure at all but sometimes he constantly follows me round for some fuss :rotfl:

Wanting to be on your own just needs explaining properly.

In my experience and opinion, men do seem more clingy and needy than women, and are much more likely to take it personally if their woman wants to have quiet time, or be on her own, than if the situation were reversed.

My hubby, as much as I love him, rarely goes out on his own, and if he says 'I fancy going up town, d'ya wanna come?' And I say 'no, I'll stay home,' he says (9 times out of 10,) 'errrm well I may as well leave it then.' I say 'you don't have to not go, just coz *I* am not going you know' but he just will not go without me. Only if he is shopping for Christmas/birthday/anniversary gifts for me. I go out without him at least once a week: on my own, or with a friend, but he will rarely go without me!

And if I feel quiet and want solitude, sometimes (not always,) he thinks I'm being 'funny' or I've got one on me, or it's my time of the month LOL. I love him, but he is a bit insecure sometimes. It can occasionally be quite energy draining; having to convince him that I am NOT going off him, I have NOT got one on me, and I just want to have some quiet time.

I love him very much, I do, and he has many great qualities: he is kind and considerate and loving and giving and a great dad and a great husband, but he is a bit insecure and clingy at times. In fact, considering it's women/girls that are supposed to be the needy ones who try and trap men into marriage and babies and so on: I have always found the opposite: it's men who are more needy and demand an explanation when you don't feel like meeting up or chatting for ages.

FBaby wrote: »

The question is, why is it that when you don't feel great, you don't actually want to share this with him? The other question is? Is it because you really want to be alone, or you just don't want to be with him?

I do find it a bit strange that in a caring and loving relationship of 9 months, you would feel so strongly about not wanting to be with your partner and not feel like having to explain yourself. I would feel really offended if I was in his shoes, not because of you wanting to spend time alone, but deciding at the last minute, that it should be the entire week-end, that it didn't deserve an explanation let alone a phone call. I would be seriously asking myself if my feelings were still reciprocated.

What an over-reaction! The girl just wants some 'me time' to herself because she just does! Why should she have to explain herself in great detail? What is he? Her Dad?! This is a grown woman with a career and her own home we're talking about; not a naughty child. And lets face it, even if she WAS honest, and just said 'I just want this weekend to myself as I feel tired and weary;' he would STILL whine and moan and demand to know why.

She can't win, let's face it. I hear alarm bells here. The last man I dated who was like that, I ended it, as he showed the same signs as the OP's B/F, that he was insecure and needy and would probably have been very controlling.

duchy

FBaby wrote: »

I agree although that usually is a behaviour that women are quite critical about their man!

Some women might be.....others aren't.

Personally nothing makes me cringe more than couples who can't give each other any space at all. It might suit them but it would drive me insane.

Peter333

This is an interesting thread.

Of course the OP should be allowed to have a weekend to herself without explaining herself. And her boyfriend does sound awfully needy.

And re: the 'needing space' argument. I have to say I do know a number of men who have multiple hours - maybe 20 a week - to themselves - to go to footy matches, to play golf, to go bowling, to go to the pub with their mates, to go fishing, etc etc. But then cry off and act like the walking wounded if the missus wants some quality time to herself or with her friends or if she gets a hobby/joins a hobby group.

And if they're left alone with the kids! :eek:

I have heard many a young man complaining that they have to 'babysit' the kids while SHE goes out to her Zumba class or to the gym or to her art class! Who 'babysits' their own children?!

It makes me cringe.

FBaby

What an over-reaction! The girl just wants some 'me time' to herself because she just does! Why should she have to explain herself in great detail?

Maybe because he said no to an invitation because he thought he was spending the week-end with his girlfriend who only told him at the last minute that she didn't want to see him?

It all worked out ok for OP and as a one off, I would find this annoying, but not enough to question the relationship, however, if everytime my partner felt he had a bad time he needed to retreat into himself, pushing me away, giving me little explanation and only told me at the last minute that he didn't want to see me leaving me having to organise my week-end at the last minute, I would have certainly question where the relationship was going.