Should I tell BF not to come over?

natjscofield

Having read your previous posts you sound an awfully lot like me!

My husband and I live together, (obviously haha) but we both have days or weeks where we feel everything is getting on top of us or we're particularly stressed at work. When I'm in a crappy mood more often than not I just want a cuddle but sometimes, like you said, you just want to hibernate.

If you're wanting your relationship to 'go the distance' he needs to understand (nicely of course!) that sometimes you just need to take an evening to yourself and chill out because you've had 100 things rattling round your brain all week. You, on the other hand, need to explain that it isn't a reflection on him or anything he's done (he sounds like the caring, worrying type so reassurance is a good thing) but that you just need to enjoy your own company and get your head together.

It's something you'll come to realise in time (when you've lived together a long time for example) that you don't even need to explain any more, that your boyfriend/husband will just KNOW when you need a bit of space. When I'm in a bad mood, my husband just seems to click on. He'll ask if I want to read a book and have a bit of peace and quiet while he sticks a film on downstairs. Vice versa, if I can sense he's having a crappy day I'll bring him a cup of tea and leave him to it. When you really get to know each other, and I mean REALLY, you won't worry about side stepping the issue of wanting to crawl up and not speak to anyone, or worry about hurting his feelings because he'll understand.

Sounds like you both care about each other a lot, the only thing you can do is compromise. You tell him how you feel and say that you don't feel like talking about it tonight but that he hasn't done anything wrong. You're just feeling a bit under the weather and need to spend some time in your own company. Just reassure him that this is something most girls do!

Hope everything's okay. It can be daunting explaining your feelings to someone who perhaps hasn't quite seen you in this sort of mood yet. My husband has seen me at my worst and knows what to expect haha. You'll both get there too if you want to.

Brallaqueen

lostinrates wrote: »

( edit, cut that....just realised his promotion wasn't this week! Apologies!)

No worries, all input is good. I kind of know I'm not thinking clearly at the moment and i'm reacting well out of sync to what is going on. I want to cry all the time and hide away - hence the text which started all this mess.

At times like this, having other, clearer insight is beyond helpful. I can't speak to family because they all have 'real, concrete' problems to deal with right now, rather than me feling tearful and blue because work sucks, I'm not doing well and can't seem to catch a break for love nor money right now.

FBaby

The question is, why is it that when you don't feel great, you don't actually want to share this with him? The other question is? Is it because you really want to be alone, or you just don't want to be with him?

I do find it a bit strange that in a caring and loving relationship of 9 months, you would feel so strongly about not wanting to be with your partner and not feel like having to explain yourself. I would feel really offended if I was in his shoes, not because of you wanting to spend time alone, but deciding at the last minute, that it should be the entire week-end, that it didn't deserve an explanation let alone a phone call. I would be seriously asking myself if my feelings were still reciprocated.

Brallaqueen

natjscofield wrote: »

Having read your previous posts you sound an awfully lot like me!

Hope everything's okay. It can be daunting explaining your feelings to someone who perhaps hasn't quite seen you in this sort of mood yet. My husband has seen me at my worst and knows what to expect haha. You'll both get there too if you want to.

Thank you, it's really heartening to know I'm not alone with this struggle. I'm so happy for you and your husband having reached that 'zone' where you can pick up on each other's moods and react accordingly. I hope we do half as well as you!

FBaby

Posted at the same time. Are you sure you are not fighting a bout of depression? That would explain the seemingly lack of emotion about the situation.

Brallaqueen

FBaby wrote: »

The question is, why is it that when you don't feel great, you don't actually want to share this with him? The other question is? Is it because you really want to be alone, or you just don't want to be with him?

I do find it a bit strange that in a caring and loving relationship of 9 months, you would feel so strongly about not wanting to be with your partner and not feel like having to explain yourself. I would feel really offended if I was in his shoes, not because of you wanting to spend time alone, but deciding at the last minute, that it should be the entire week-end, that it didn't deserve an explanation let alone a phone call. I would be seriously asking myself if my feelings were still reciprocated.

It seems outwardly cold but i'm not unemotional - it just all happens inside my head when i feel like this and to be honest that's for the best.

This is the problem I am facing. I'm unhappy and have a mechanism to cope. In the past this has been fine because I've not had any close relationship, I live alone, so it has been fine.

This relationship has been the shining star of my life so far but right now, I just want to be left alone to cry and mizz and obsess about everything until I feel better.

It's childish and I know that.

Selfishly, I didn't want the pressure of having to put a brave face on it, to preface everything with 'I'm glad you are doing really well at work and got a promotion but ...' or have to refuse physical affection because I really don't want to be held or touched right now.

ETA -thank you for your concern about depression - I think it is situational (work -based ) rather than depression but if i don't feel any better by Monday I'm booking an appointment with the doctor just to make sure they are aware of it.

Izadora

I know it's not exactly going to be a good weekend but I hope you get your head sorted, feel better soon and that your boyfriend understood after he'd had a chance to talk to you.

FBaby

It's childish and I know that

I don't think it is childlish at all, we all cope differently and I know where you are coming from, I've been there, emotional exhausted and just don't want to make anymore effort to please anyone. I know though that it can be very confusing for people around, especially if they don't feel like this themselves (and it sounds like your partner wouldn't). Is it the first time since you've been together you shut down like this? Does he already know you at times need to be a recluse? Does he understand it is not a reflection on him?

Mojisola

FBaby wrote: »

The question is, why is it that when you don't feel great, you don't actually want to share this with him? The other question is? Is it because you really want to be alone, or you just don't want to be with him .

People deal with feeling 'off' in different ways.

There are a lot of women who know to give their man 'cave time' when they're not feeling good about life. There's no reason why women shouldn't also be given space if that's how they prefer to handle their feelings.

FBaby

There are a lot of women who know to give their man 'cave time' when they're not feeling good about life. There's no reason why women shouldn't also be given space if that's how they prefer to handle their feelings.

I agree although that usually is a behaviour that women are quite critical about their man!