Giving my husband all my money?

thorsoak

willysmum wrote: »

My older childrens father whom i was with for 13 years just trusted me to pay the bills and buy what i needed from our joint account, he wasnt interested in the money as long as the bills got paid.
My husband is 43 and as weve only been married for 4 months it is a new arrangement as before my money was mine until we got married. My son is not biologically his and his daughter is not biologically mine, we have been together coming up for 3 years.

You say that your money was "yours" before you married - when did you give up your job? On marriage - or on the birth of your son? You have put yourself in an extremely vulnerable position. Are you in receipt of child benefit for your son? Because if you are not, then you will not receive credit for national insurance - which in turn will impact upon pension contributions. If you are receiving the child benefit, then you will receive credit for pension contributions - but if it is going to your OH, then you won't receive the credits.

Re-open your bank account and arrange for your money to go back in there - you can then pay your direct debits from there. And get yourself back into the workplace - and if you have to work evenings, then why can't OH look after the children? That's what families do.

justme111

willysmum wrote: »

Sorry if this is in the wrong place but just after some opinions
My husband is self employed and on good money (approx £600+ a week) we dont have a joint account and the rent and majority of the bills go out of his account. I dont work.
Each month i get £600 tax credits and £54.20 child benefit, the tax credits is alot for this year as last year he only worked for 5 months. He gets the higher rate child benefit of £80 a month into his account as we have a child each living with us.
i have just under £170 of direct debits coming out of my account each month and have to give him £400 for my share of the bills obviously leaving me £30 for the month. I have an older daughter at uni who occassionally i would like to treat and another daughter who lives with her dad.
my husband says i can have his bank card whenever i want but if i do spend anything he wants to know to the penny what ive spent, just wondered if what i give him is reasonable? Thank you

Replying the question - impossible to say whether what you give to him as your share of bills is reasonable because we do not know what the total bills are. Then again , even if we did know - you agreed to it so you had your reasons , we do not know them. If he says you can have his bank card whenever you want - it does not make sense , he has card on him surely , how can you have it ? If you mean another card on his account - then he does not strictly.speaking deprive you.of money . The fact that you do not feel entitled to use it is another matter , figure out why. Is it because he disapproves of your spendi.g ? If you disagree with him disapproving why don't you.cut it straight away ?
Vast majority of couples would arrange it in such a way as to leave each of them with similar disposable income after bills (that is if they don't pull all money together and treat it as ours). You have chosen differently , who we are to say what is fair and what is not , you had your reasons for your choices.
I do not think it is right if one of the couple can afford frogs and another can not afford haircuts at 10% of frog value but you seem to think differently - who am I to tell you you are wrong ? So basically you either agree with him disapproving of your expenses and then there is nothing to discuss or you disagree and then the question is communication in your couple - if you do not feel entitled to tell him to stick his disapproval where the sun does not shine (in a polite way of course ) then I am afraid the issue is not theojey , the issue is unequal partnership to which you subscribed. So you either suck it up or make.it equal or get out of it. Simple as that.
I do not think money stuff will continue as it is , once tax credits are reviewed the landscape will be very different and you two will have to renegotiate as you will have income barely enough to pay for your life insurance and catalogues.

justme111

You been with him for 6 years , did not you see his attitude "I worked all day so you will look after children day and night and money is mine to do as I am pleased and may be throw you a bone"before ? Of course you did . You turned a blind eye to it , possibly because you wanted to become his wife above all. Now that you had you starting to review terms and conditions. - fair enough , as long as you you realise what you doing and why.

AlexLK

willysmum wrote: »

.... and has just spent £250 on a frog!!!

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: Sorry but this is quite possibly the funniest thing I've seen all day!

Spendless

thorsoak wrote: »

You say that your money was "yours" before you married - when did you give up your job? On marriage - or on the birth of your son? You have put yourself in an extremely vulnerable position. Are you in receipt of child benefit for your son? Because if you are not, then you will not receive credit for national insurance - which in turn will impact upon pension contributions. If you are receiving the child benefit, then you will receive credit for pension contributions - but if it is going to your OH, then you won't receive the credits.

Re-open your bank account and arrange for your money to go back in there - you can then pay your direct debits from there. And get yourself back into the workplace - and if you have to work evenings, then why can't OH look after the children? That's what families do.

I;m guessing here but I suspect what has happened is the OP hasn't worked for some years was claiming as a single parent, because she lived alone with her child/ren until very recently when she married and that has meant her going from the income she did receive as a lone parent (possibly made up of benefits) to now where the household income is made up of her husband's wages and the taxcredits which have been pointed out will be clawed back. She's also in receipt of child benefit for her 4yo, but at the lower rate as her husband claims the higher rate for his 6yo, from her opening post.

willysmum wrote: »

He gets the higher rate child benefit of £80 a month into his account as we have a child each living with us.

Finances and how they would change from 2 households both receiving an income (from employment/benefits) to one on co-habiting should have been discussed beforehand. Hopefully if the OP talks to her husband it will turn out to be an issue of ignorance rather than anything sinister. Fingers crossed.

FBaby

Did you not discuss finances when you moved in with him? At least before you married?

Why are you paying for broadband and car insurance, or is this for you only?

You haven't responded in regards to maintenance. Are neither of you receiving any? And are you looking after the 3 year old?

If your husband is ok with you taking his card, can you tell him that you will get x amount of cash every week rather than using his card for every purchase as this way, he will know how much is taken out and it will be easier for you to manage. See what he says.

bugslet

maman wrote: »

What bothers me about this thread is that everyone seems to be making the assumption that OP and her husband should split their money (soon to become just his money) 50:50.

bugslet wrote: »

When you get married and have kids together and take on children from a previous relationship, it's all a joint enterprise, it's joint effort, joint income. Currently it seems very one-sided. How do you think things are going to be in the years to come, more of the same?

.:(

Just to clarify, when I was talking about joint, I mean joint agreement as well. If discretionary spending and/or spending on bills is 50:50, or 75:25 doesn't matter. What matters is that it's an arrangement that suits both spouses; if one feels put out by the arrangement, then it doesn't come across as a joint venture to me.

I never married for several reasons and one of those was that I'm very independent and never wanted to whole joint thing, which is what marriage means to me. That's a personal stance and everyone is of course, free to interpret marriage in their own way:)

lovinituk

willysmum wrote: »

i have run tax credits about his wages and they have said until they have his final 2013/2014 there isnt much they can do although they said they will write to me within 2 weeks.

As soon as they have the final figures you will be told to pay back some/all of the tax credits. If you are already spending it then how are you going to pay it back?

What you should be doing is putting it to one side in a bank account ready to pay back. Anything else is naive and rather stupid.

I am also self employed and the year I knew we would earn too much to qualify for tax credits I placed it all in a bank account every month. When the expected instruction to repay it came, I was able to pay it back immediately in one lump sum, while keeping some interest it had earned.

What are you going to do when you have to pay it back and your husband refuses to help and says it was your money, your problem?!

FBaby

Totally agree with above post really hippie your hedge already discussed how this over payment will be repaid as it is going to be a very large sum of money.

margaretclare

willysmum wrote: »

Thank you Mamam, i dont work as the children are 4 and 6 and my husband is of the belief that a womans place is at home.
The direct debits i pay are life insurance, phone and broadband, car insurance, phone contracts and a couple of small catalogue bills.
I guess what i didnt make clear is that my husband has 2 cars (1 i use for the school run is on finance as he 'needed' it) and a rather expensive motorbike on finance, as its winter coming and he cant use his bike so much he needed a new hobby and has just spent £250 on a frog!!! Money is tight at the moment as he will buy whatever he wants and sees.

Tell your husband that it's the 21st century, his attitude is one maybe two centuries out of date. Women have had the vote for a century now!

A frog? I have frogs in the garden and they're not much of a 'hobby' in the winter-time because they hibernate, hiding in the bottom of the pond and breathing through their skin. They came free!

There is no obligation on you to give your husband anything. Sharing is a different matter - sharing costs, expenses etc, that's what couples do. Giving is something else again.

I agree with others who have said that this is a form of domestic abuse. It's control really - keep her barefoot in the kitchen and she can't go anywhere. Like slavery! How dare he demand that you give him all your money! Grrrr!!!