Feeling guilty. Am I wrong? (parents)

misspickle_2

Run forest! Run!
Holy mother you have no idea what you are letting yourself in for.
If you can't run then batton down the hatches.
Don't let them in!
I think I'd emigrate. Hand them the keys, sign it all over and leg it. You might aswell.
If YOU don't take control then I can assure you they will.
What a pants situation.

belfastgirl23

Well the one good thing about this situation is that whatever you do your parents will not be happy. You've tried negotiating with them, it wasn't enough and they weren't happy. You've tried giving in to them and they weren't happy. So I reckon you may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

In your shoes I'd be in touch with your dad first. Tell him that you're delighted they're moving back but that obviously they were never going to be able to stay with you longer term. Given that he hasn't addressed the problem with your mum and that they are arriving at a time when you're not going to be at home anyway, you're presuming they're making their own arrangements for where to stay. But if they want you to put them in touch with a reputable estate agent you're happy to do so.

This is the easier bit. The tougher bit will be sticking to your guns. But you need to keep in mind that you will not please them no matter what you do so you may as well do it this way. It will be tougher in the short term but might just be the thing that salvages your relationship in the longer term.

The other thing is that them moving in with you will not just stress you. It will stress your OH and cause problems for your relationship. But it will also stress your parents, your mum because she expects so much of you and and your dad because he will need to mediate between yourself and your mum. Letting this go ahead is in my mind taking an easier way out and postponing tough discussions now for even tougher ones in the future.

But I wouldn't want to suggest it will be easy. Good luck!

gfplux

"There is also a problem with my dad regarding tax. He is working abroad and has declared himself as "no longer domicile to the UK" I am no expert but I took that to mean he has declared that he has moved abroad and has no intention to return, therefore does not have to pay tax in the UK. I have no idea what the implications are once he returns and I've told him it would be best to look into it first, but again this has been ignored. "You don't know what you're talking about""

This should not be a problem if he has been declaring income and paying Tax in his Country of residence. This would assume when he left the UK he convinced the UK tax authority that he was registered for tax in the new Country.
It will now be a simple matter of paying tax up to his departure from this overseas country and then paying tax in the UK from his arrival.

DivineSaver

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

In your shoes I'd be in touch with your dad first. Tell him that you're delighted they're moving back but that obviously they were never going to be able to stay with you longer term. Given that he hasn't addressed the problem with your mum and that they are arriving at a time when you're not going to be at home anyway, you're presuming they're making their own arrangements for where to stay. But if they want you to put them in touch with a reputable estate agent you're happy to do so.

Thanks for this. I took your advice and sent a message along those lines. Asked them what their arrangements were for when they got home today and was told they're staying at my mum's sisters for a night then will call me on Sunday. :mad:

So it looks like they're just expecting to stay with me as of tomorrow, again without speaking to me and OH first!!!!! I don't understand why it just seems to be expected of me to put them up without even communicating this to me first?

balletshoes

DivineSaver wrote: »

Thanks for this. I took your advice and sent a message along those lines. Asked them what their arrangements were for when they got home today and was told they're staying at my mum's sisters for a night then will call me on Sunday. :mad:

So it looks like they're just expecting to stay with me as of tomorrow, again without speaking to me and OH first!!!!! I don't understand why it just seems to be expected of me to put them up without even communicating this to me first?

stop with the "looks like" - ask them the question! If they aren't communicating their wishes with you (and not even asking you - beggars belief!) you need to be direct with them. Maybe they've just got into the habit of turning up at yours in the past because you don't stand up to them when their stays at your home don't suit you, so they just don't think they even have to ask anymore? You shouldn't need to have to have an excuse, like being away from home, to say no to your parents plans when they include your home, your car, your daily routine.

Mojisola

DivineSaver wrote: »

So it looks like they're just expecting to stay with me as of tomorrow, again without speaking to me and OH first!!!!!

I don't understand why it just seems to be expected of me to put them up without even communicating this to me first?

You're going to have to change their expectations by being very strong and very united with your OH.

You will have to spell out in very simple terms that they cannot stay at your house.

In future, instead of asking an open question like "Where are you going to stay?", say something like "As you can't stay with us, where will you be?" - "We can't pick you up, will you be hiring a car or getting the train?" - "As we can't store your stuff, where will you be keeping it?"

itsanne

If they can stay with your mum's sister for a night, why can't they stay there longer? They can look for rented accommodation from there - it might even give them an incentive to decide on something quickly.

If you let them stay at all, you're going to have real difficulty getting them out, quite apart from repeating all the problems of recent visits.

I don't envy you!

thorsoak

So what is the situation now, DS? Hope your parents have stayed with your aunt!

lulu_92

Do you have an update? What happened?

DivineSaver

Hello all,

Just thought I'd post a quick update. It's been just over 2 weeks since my parents arrived in the UK.

I got a text message on the Sunday (15th) asking if I could speak to my mum about our issues and try and resolve them.. went to my aunt's house where they are currently staying and talked things through. I put all my points across- how I feel I am not being communicated to regarding certain things (they apologised for not consulting me before their move) and still how angry I was over my mum telling my dad that he wasn't welcome to stay with me... my mum's response was "I don't remember saying that"... trying to deny it ever happened. I told her the lies have to stop now.. "everyone here knows you said that because I took a screenshot and sent it to dad in an email so there was no denying what was said". She just glared at me. Anyway, the conversation stopped there as my auntie then came home and I told my mum on no uncertain terms that we could not resolve our issues overnight, it would take a lot of work on both sides, but I was willing to put in the effort because I desperately want to have a good relationship with her again.

So the week passed with no problems, I told my dad he could borrow my car to go to house viewings as long as I had it back for nightshift.. so saw him every day and things seemed to be going fine. Invited my mum and dad round for dinner the following Saturday (21st) and we had a really good night. OH and I cooked dinner and there was a nice atmosphere all round.

Again, the next week passed with no major issues, I was still on nightshift so still saw my dad every day to get the car back. He mentioned on a few occasions that my mum was getting fed up with her sister not having the heating up high enough and always having the wifi router switched off when not in use.. didn't really think anything of it to be honest.

Then Saturday morning came (28th) just passed and I got a text from my dad "you have to speak to mum again about your issues" so ok, invited them round... the conversation started with my mum saying "I think it would be best for us to stay here with you from now on". I asked her why and she said they were having "issues" with her sister.. though wouldn't tell me what those issues were. So I explained: "I'm sorry but I don't feel comfortable with you staying here yet.. I told you the issues wouldn't be resolved overnight" I don't want to jepordise our relationship any further by letting my mum stay here and then her flying off the handle (like she always does) and me having to ask her to leave. She asked me how do I expect our problems to get resolved if we don't live together? Again, I said I'm sorry I'm not comfortable with her staying here. This is when her rendition of "The Blame Game" started.

"I'm not trying to defend myself but you know I'm going through the menopause and I get angry and say things I don't mean" - Then went on to say she gets angry, lashes out at people then forgets about it the next day because she thinks everything is fine because she has gotten her anger out. I told her that's all fine and well but you don't think about how your lashing out effects other people. "Why would it effect other people though?" I give up

"I came back to the UK for you not for myself" - I told her that although I am very glad to have her back, I never told her to come back, she made that decision on her own.

"YOU'RE the daughter, its your job to let me stay here". - Uhm, no. No it's not.

After that, she said "we're leaving" and stormed out the house (my dad said absolutely nothing during this conversation) and I haven't seen or heard from her since.

Not entirely sure if this is progress but I can honestly say I am proud of myself for standing my ground and not backing down during her usual tactics. I think it has come as a shock for her as well because in the past it would have only taken one round of The Blame Game and I would have been KO'd :eek: