Don't Panic!

October_Starter

Thanks Ladies.

It has occurred to me that I spend a LOT of my time doing things for him or for the flat or for other people and I am not doing anything that I really want to do. I am going to get my E of Bay things done tonight and see if I can't get some more money together. I am also going to get my sewing machine out and start making things. I have LOADS of fabric, fancy bits and pieces and a lovely sewing machine that my DA bought me. If I get good at a few things I could sell them on E of Bay too.

I looked at job listings last night. Nothing that really called out to me but I am thinking I should still apply for the things I can actually do. At least I will get interview practice and should I get offered any positions then I am not caught out without any position at all. I always have the chance to decide against taking it.

Even though I am still feeling very low about my OH, I am making myself think positive and making plans.

October xx

liltdiddylilt

Hello!!!

I didn't realise you had a diary, I am so sorry!! Have just read it from start to finish and you've had a real time of it. Now I understand why you like the idea of being like me with OH.

Let me tell you it has taken a lot of tears and self-coaching to get to the point I am at. I know you've read my diary so you know how much I broke when he left. I was ringing my mum at 11pm and making her talk to me until I fell asleep... having rising panic attacks and struggling to just do basic things. It is the fear of EVER feeling like that again that pushes me to be independent. He is a nice, often annoying addition to my life now.

I think you have to spend a decent amount of time on your own in order to find out who you are as an individual, without an 'other half'. Him is not my other half. I am a whole, all by myself. He is more like an extra limb. Occasionally useful, getting in the way a lot, and hard to make do what I want :rotfl:

I don't think you are fair to yourself with your financial situation with your OH. He moved in without paying anything in rent, even though he has a (decent I think) job. You say that you have closed the tab and lost many 'friends' because you are not being taken for granted any more, but really I think you've just transferred it all to OH. I don't mean to be mean, and I know he is chipping in more, but this *borrowing* at the end of each month then paying it back next payday is just enabling him to be bad with money and spend cash he hasn't got. You've had your LBM and are doing amazingly... OH.. not so much.

We ALL do the mother thing with our men. It is inbuilt and very strong, this mothering need. Him is an obsessive gamer, and it is almost worse because when he is gaming (Smite, Hearthstone - all made by Blizzard too) and on his ps4, in the nest I built for him in the corner of my living room, complete with 32 inch TV on the wall, desk, PS3 & PS4 set up, plus a brand new built by himself gaming computer with blue flashing LED's and a window to view them and all the components inside the tower.... He has a headset on and talks to his mates continually loudly above the sound of the TV, including a lot of choice words. So much so that even on the nights when he isn't here I still retreat to my bed and chill out there. I really enjoy the days he isn't here, for time to myself and a clean house. Even a toddler does not make as much mess as a gaming man.

I'm sorry for such a harsh sounding post. I think you are coping with a LOT and so well. You will be debt free so soon! And I have every faith that you are going to walk straight into a far better job. I've been in jobs like yours and always moved on to bigger and better things even when not leaving on my own terms.

am I allowed to come back and cheer you on? Big hugs to you!! xxx

beanielou

You are not out of order.
YOur BF is.
He needs to wake up & smell the coffee.
At very least he should be contributing to the bills & food.
200 quid on games cards?? :eek:

October_Starter

Lilt you are very welcome to come and hang out any time. A lot of what you said is very true. I don't think I've put my OH across very well. He has only borrowed money from me the one time and he did pay it back. He pays his half of the rent now and he will contribute to shopping (although he didnt do as much this month, as he has been off work - holiday). He has an ok job.

Unfortunately we're in the same room constantly unless work or the stupid gaming shop are involved. Tonight he has his earphones on and is watching stuff on netflixxx and I'm on my phone looking at mse and utube. We're not talking again as we had yet another fight.

I came home and found my bedroom door open. I figured he must have come home and fallen asleep and the door had opened when my housemate had gone in and out of his room. He hadn't though. He'd just left the door open and gone out. It's a shared flat. The agency and landlord and anyone else they want to give keys to can come and go in the communal areas. I make sure the door is locked even at night. Two iPads, my laptop, a very expensive computer etc etc. I was livid and sent him a text saying so. So yeah, we aren't talking again. It's such a nice atmosphere to be in every night. No wonder I'm not sleeping well.

I'm sure this is just a phase, at least I'm hoping so. I think my friend is right when she said he is burying himself in a fantasy world to escape the fact that this one he has to grow up in.

We'll see..

October xx

liltdiddylilt

When I first moved to Kent to be with Him, we were living in his bedroom at his parents house. The pressure was insane and we split up twice for a while and spent most of our evenings ignoring each other. I know the desire to get your own place and own space must be huge but the cost is enormous when you have so much instability.

You aren't portraying your OH in a bad light. You are being truthful about him and if you can't get some of the stress out here, then where can you hmm? I think you just have yet another of those yet to grow up men (as do I) who live in Neverland with Peter Pan and stick their fingers in their ears anytime someone mentions taking some responsibility. All been there hun. 6 years on I am still with my child and he has grown up a bit in some ways but it took a lot to get him there.

Only you know whether he is worth the effort mine is... sometimes.

As for the stuff... :eek: OMG I cannot believe that. I am a bit lx about my security sometimes in as much as I leave a window cracked, but since you have to scale two floors to get to said window I almost think it would have to be Spiderman and he can come anytime xx

October_Starter

Hello Diary and Lovely Diary Readers :hello:

So last night was a very quiet one and once again I didn't sleep well. I got a bit of a lie in as it is Sunday and I don't start work until 10:30am. OH went to work at 4am but his shift got cut short so he was finished at 10. He treated me to breakfast and put £50.00 into my account for shopping as we have no food in now and I am down to my last £20.00. Also realised that I have probably thrown out my debit card . He is going to look for it when he goes home. He asked me if I wanted him to do any jobs at home. I told him that I wasn't going to ask him to do anything because when I got home and he hadn't done them, I would get angry. I also told him that if he couldn't see what needed to be done then he obviously needed new glasses :rotfl:. In my OH's usual manner he said "fair enough."

So yesterday was my 7th NSD. I am so proud of myself as I think this is my record for NSDs since my LBM. I know it isn't much compared to some but for me NSDs are REALLY hard. :T

I spent a LOT of time yesterday organising a budgeting spreadsheet. I am really good with Exxcel and even sent a copy to my friend. I have it so I can put in my expected income and then add extras from E of Bay etc and DM. Then I have my budgets in other colomns so that I can put in things like petrol and food shopping etc. See where I have gone over budget or under budget etc. I have given myself a very strict budget of £35.00 a week for shopping. I am sure I can do this but just to make sure I am going to use OH's £50.00 tomorrow and do a full weekly shop. I am going to do my meal plan for this week and shop accordingly.

Today won't be an NSD as I was naughty and didn't make lunch and I need hand soap and pizza for dinner. (Just pizza for dinner not hand soap:rotfl: )

Hopefully today will be a better day. Didn't get my E of Bay stuff done yesterday as I was cross. Even angrier with myself now as I was determined to do it. Going to try again tonight and see if I can get some bits put up. I have a top in mind that I got in a Mr A sale for £3.00. I am hoping to get £5.00 for it. There are some other bits too. I think I read somewhere that you are more likely to sell things on a Sunday evening so we will have a go

As always, thank you all so much for supporting me. Your words here and your own diaries are such a help to me. Never forget how special you all are! xxx

October xx

beanielou

I so do wish you would stop beating yourself up about everything so much

liltdiddylilt

beanielou wrote: »

I so do wish you would stop beating yourself up about everything so much

Ditto. You really need to be a bit more positive about yourself and your life. You are doing so well... Debt is going in the right direction. You've made huge sweeping changes and are sticking to them, and you are asserting yourself more in every department.

You are fab! xx

Bubblesmum

liltdiddylilt wrote: »

Ditto. You really need to be a bit more positive about yourself and your life. You are doing so well... Debt is going in the right direction. You've made huge sweeping changes and are sticking to them, and you are asserting yourself more in every department.

You are fab! xx

Ditto ditton ditto :T

October_Starter

Hello Lovely Diary and Loveliest People

Thank you for your kind words. I didn't realise I sounded so negative. Apologies. It's something I am generally really bad at when it comes to talking about myself.

On a positive though.. I have made up with the OH. Like we discussed he is very childish and is finding it difficult to grow up. However it seems like he is trying and it takes a long time to change years of bad habits. I am trying to give him a break. He put all the dishes in the dishwasher last night without me having to ask him and cooked dinner again :T

Today and yesterday are not NSDs. Today is my first day of trying to stick to a shopping budget for a week. I do most of my shopping at Mr A. So today I have spent a long time on their website getting price ideas for things OH and I buy regularly. I have put them in a spreadsheet which has all the prices and then I can put quantity in and it works out the total. I can then print the list off and I have my shopping list and an idea of how much I am going to spend. Sounds very complicated but it really isn't :rotfl:. I have also done my meal plan for this week and a lot of the items on this week's shopping list can be made into more than one meal so will cover a couple of weeks hopefully

Otherwise, a simple, at work day. I am feeling really tired as once again I couldn't get to sleep until the early hours. Ended up taking OH to work at 5:30am too as he missed his bus. I went back to bed afterwards and slept for awhile longer. I didnt have to start work until 12. Ohh.. Something that did make me concerned, our cleaner ended up trying my bedroom door.. whether it was because he was leaning on it or some other more dubious reason, I don't know but it did worry me. Especially after OH's recent door incident.

Anyways, time to finish some things for my boss and then shopping.. the joys.. Have a good evening everyone!

October xx