HELP!! Mortgage deposit, my husband has more!!

JimmyTheWig

Skinto_7 wrote: »

I am amazed that so many of you cannot understand why the OP's hubby would want to protect his inheritance.

The OP's husband is not "keeping it to himself" as some of you are suggesting, he is using it to enable BOTH of you to have a great start in married life, while quiet simply protecting it should you decide to run off with the milkman!!

If he was sticking it in his bank account and buyin himself, cars, clothes and computer games then i would have some sympathy but not for using it to buy a house!!

If you are so sure you will not run off, or would never try and benefit from any possible break up, then why are you so upset?

I dont mean to be harsh, i just think you are being unfair on your husband and taking his proposal totally the wrong way.

If my wife ran off with the milkman, the last thing I'd be bothered about is who got what share of our money.
I'd be too busy being devastated about my wife running off.

I can understand the OP's concern, then, if her husband doesn't feel this way.

Billie-S

I find the attitude of the OP's husband nothing short of appalling, and I would be very very upset about it if my husband said something like this. This isn't a marriage when one partner behaves like this.

Are you both quite young Daisy? I just ask this because IMO, this kind of attitude usually comes from younger people (young men especially,) like under 30. Nothing like this (involving big money,) happened to me and my OH when we were younger, but when we first got together and got married, (in our mid 20s,) he did have this 'my money, your money' attitude, and if he earned more than me (like through overtime,) he would keep it, as it was 'his.' Even though I did much more around the house. Also, I didn't have the opportunity to do overtime and earn more money.

Having 2 kids changed him though, and he became a lot less selfish. (I am not saying that people without children are selfish LOL; just that he wasn't so bothered about keeping money to himself anymore and preferred to spend it on our girls, and on the family in general.)

We have had a joint account now for about 18 years. Anything and everything that either of us gets, goes in there, and we spend what we want, when we want (within reason.) I got a bit of an inheritance a few years back and I put it in our savings. I didn't class it as mine, but ours.

I must say (and this is just me,) that I find it very odd when people are married, or in long term relationships, and they have separate money/separate bank accounts; especially if they have children.

It's also a lot more common for unmarried couples to have separate finances: married couples are usually joint; that is why I find your OH's attitude very strange Daisy, and frankly, unacceptable.

I hear very loud alarms bells ringing. He doesn't appear to be safeguarding the money for the marriage at ALL. Otherwise why not put it in an account under both your names? I would wonder if this was the right man for me if my husband got some money and made sure he put it in his name. But it's your call.

Marisco

alleycat` wrote: »

I actually consider that to be totally her money and, god forbid, should we ever get divorced it is not money i would ever consider that should be included in what is "divided up".

That's because you're a nice guy. But reading threads and life experience teaches us that not everyone is like that, and some (of whatever gender) will go all out to "fleece" the other in the event of a breakup. I agree with Skinto, he's not keeping it to himself in the true sense of the word, but protecting his assets in the event of a breakup, for which I don't blame him. The op can do something similar with her inheritance, so that they both have something to fall back on, without a dog fight about money, if they should ever split.

tea_lover

If he wanted to keep his money separate then he shouldn't have got married. It amazes me how many posts there have been lately from (or about) married people who still think in terms of 'mine', not 'ours'.

I put in all of the deposit to our house, and will be getting it back if things don't work out. But we're not married, and part of the reason we're not married is because we don't want to fully share our finances. If we do ever make the decision to tie the knot we'd both be completely aware (and comfortable) that everything would become joint.

Billie-S

silvercar wrote: »

I agree with you. It would also make me concerned with the future. What happens if you have children and jointly decide that you should reduce hours/ promotions/ take time out to be home with the children for a few years? Will he think all the money he is earning is his?

Exactly one of the things that I was thinking. If her OH thinks the money he has now is 'his,' then he will almost certainly think any wages he earns (when she is at home looking after the babies,) are all his.

He won't want to share it will he, when he is earning more?!

Daisydot123

I am 29 and he is 32. He has never been like this. Infact he is most generous with money. We have separate accounts but half all bills etc. Have lovely holidays. And we always go half. He said that this will be the only ones we will ever get and he needs to looking into long term if say I do run off with the milk man then that he can still be in a stable position and get back all the money he put down. I can completely understand that. But if I was his is situation. It wouldn't cross my mind whatsoever to even mention it to him. He reckons everyone does it when people have more money. But I see us as a team. Two people who have had one stage of a life together and are now moving onto another stage. I would totally see his point if I was his girlfriend for only the last year or two. But I'm not. He says it's only if things go tits up and he knows they arnt so there is nothing for me to worry about. I just feel that him having to mention it is worrying. As husband and wife I don't wanna feel oh well he put 60k down on the house so he owns most of it. I wanna feel like this is my house and if having to save for another 5 years to get there I will.

burnoutbabe

depends if any kids will come along.

If i inherited from my parents, as me and OH are not having kids, we'll both be wanting our inheritances to stay within our own side of the family (ie pass onto siblings and/or our niece/nephew), this is considering things on death but also in terms of divorce.

Mojisola

Daisydot123 wrote: »

I am 29 and he is 32. He has never been like this. In fact he is most generous with money.

It's out of character so give him time to grieve and see how he feels in six months or so.

Billie-S

Marisco wrote: »

That's because you're a nice guy. But reading threads and life experience teaches us that not everyone is like that, and some (of whatever gender) will go all out to "fleece" the other in the event of a breakup. I agree with Skinto, he's not keeping it to himself in the true sense of the word, but protecting his assets in the event of a breakup, for which I don't blame him. The op can do something similar with her inheritance, so that they both have something to fall back on, without a dog fight about money, if they should ever split.

Sorry I think this a bit of a concern. I would be VERY worried if my husband decided to keep money he had acquired in case we break up! :eek: What does that say about the marriage?

tea_lover wrote: »

If he wanted to keep his money separate then he shouldn't have got married. It amazes me how many posts there have been lately from (or about) married people who still think in terms of 'mine', not 'ours'.

EXACTLY. I guess each to their own LOL. But there are attitudes from some, that you are somehow needy and insecure if you want your finances to be joint. What is wrong with wanting and expecting joint finances when you're married FGS? Don't get married, if you don't want to share. That's what a marriage is supposed to be about. Not keeping every little penny you acquire to yourself.

Personally, I don't think it shows much trust and security or closeness in a marriage if one partner is wanting to keep 'their' money to themselves.

But as I said, each to their own.

Billie-S

Daisydot123 wrote: »

I am 29 and he is 32. He has never been like this. Infact he is most generous with money. We have separate accounts but half all bills etc. Have lovely holidays. And we always go half. He said that this will be the only ones we will ever get and he needs to looking into long term if say I do run off with the milk man then that he can still be in a stable position and get back all the money he put down.

I can completely understand that. But if I was his is situation. It wouldn't cross my mind whatsoever to even mention it to him. He reckons everyone does it when people have more money. But I see us as a team. Two people who have had one stage of a life together and are now moving onto another stage. I would totally see his point if I was his girlfriend for only the last year or two. But I'm not. He says it's only if things go tits up and he knows they arnt so there is nothing for me to worry about. I just feel that him having to mention it is worrying. As husband and wife I don't wanna feel oh well he put 60k down on the house so he owns most of it. I wanna feel like this is my house and if having to save for another 5 years to get there I will.

He actually SAID that?! :eek:

For real?

Doesn't bode well IMO.

Also, I find it strange that a couple of around 30 y.o. who have been married 7 years, still have separate accounts and 'just pay half each' for everything.

Sorry, but this is something I would expect two unmarried 19 year olds to do in their first rented flat.

As was mentioned earlier; what if you have kids, and you give up work for a few years and have no income; will he still think his money is his then? And leave you high and dry, begging for housekeeping and 'pocket money?'

There have been numerous threads on here from women who are married/in long term relationships, who have kids, and have given up work, who have husbands/partners who pretty much keep their money to themselves as much as possible, because they earned it, so it's theirs. They end up with the men spending on frivolous luxuries for themselves, whilst never lifting a finger in the house, or helping with the kids, while the woman goes completely without.

PLEASE don't be one of those women. The things you are saying are not sounding good.