Wife wants out, but I want to keep the family together. Advice needed

claireabelle_2

OP
You poor thing, I've been there and it feels like your world is falling apart. I lost half my hair from stress and begged him not to go, which I regret so much. The book "it's called a break-up because it's broken" really helped me, written by an American comedy writer and his wife who had both been through it too. Good advice here from others.

SavingPennies_2

You said in your fist post you are not a couple who bickers and I think this could explain why it has come out of the blue. I am also not that type, when I am unhappy or something is bothering me I tend to dwell on it, I hate confrontation and I'm not a very vocal person. Things just gradually wear you down and eventually you snap, it might look like it's come out of nowhere but really it hasn't. Could this be the case with your wife? You admit not giving enough attention, maybe this has got to her over time and now she's had enough. Maybe she has asked you to do what she needs and you haven't - if it was as easy as you say it is to fix why haven't you done it sooner? I think you need to show her your best side and give her some time in the hope she will change her mind.


As for the facebook idea, I couldn't think of anything worse than a public campaign to save your family, cringe! It sounds like the ultimate humiliation sorry. Also the talking to her friends idea, sorry that sounds terrible too.

kloana

PaulAA wrote: »

Hi all, I'm new and decided to try this forum.

My wife is filing for a divorce after 10 years together, and I want to keep the family together. In my view the relationship is a bit stale, but far from the end of the world. Annoying things have been said to each other, but we are not a bickering family. Lack of understanding has been mentioned - but I think nothing that cannot be fixed. No children.

...

I have come across crazy ideas like facebook campaigns to collect thousands of likes to keep the family together. I think I am prepared to do whatever it takes to keep us together.

"Family" is an odd turn of phrase to use repeatedly here. You have no children...so what family? Each other's family, in-laws, etc.? If so, can't you just maintain a relationship with them anyway?

Frogletina

It came out of the blue to me when my long term partner said he wanted out of the relationship. He said he had been thinking about it for 6 months and had come to a decision at the end of it that he no longer wanted to be with me.

There's nothing to work on if the other person will not communicate. I wanted to know why he hadn't told me he was considering that, and if there was something I could do to change his mind, but all I got was that it wasn't anything to do with me, he was just considering what was best for him.

The following day I arrived home to bunches of flowers which I took to mean that he'd had a change of heart. But no, it was just to apologise for upsetting me.

That was the beginning of 18 months of heartache before he moved out. I had to tell him to move out of the 'marital' bed because I could not bear the thought that as he now felt single he might be with other women (he was, before he eventually moved out)

He knew I wanted him to stay but he had made up his mind to go. and eventually he did. I never wanted him to leave but I should have thought more about self preservation.

dandelionclock30

If shes says its over, its over. All you can do is ask her to reconsider and if theres anything you can do. If she still says no, then thats it.
Dont be begging and nagging at her as it wont work, move on and look for support from your own family and friends.

PaulAA_2

Mojisola wrote: »

Have you asked her?

Have you listened to her answers?

She keeps referring to the isolated events in the past. Her feelings are clearly hurt. She said she didn't feel happy. I doubt there's a 3rd party involved, but she couldn't explain the urgency of the move.

She seems to believe that by leaving she'd be able to find a perfect and happy relationship.

All is not broken with our relationship; I've been providing her with a relative comfort - perhaps less so the emotional comfort.

How common is it to get the lawyers involved in a plain case with no children and a jointly owned property? If the case goes ahead can I in practice "defend" myself or would I need lawyers on the case as well? Really don't want this to happen...

Pollycat

PaulAA wrote: »

She keeps referring to the isolated events in the past. Her feelings are clearly hurt. She said she didn't feel happy. I doubt there's a 3rd party involved, but she couldn't explain the urgency of the move.

She seems to believe that by leaving she'd be able to find a perfect and happy relationship.

All is not broken with our relationship; I've been providing her with a relative comfort - perhaps less so the emotional comfort.

Is that you thinking (or hoping) that that is the case or has she actually told you this?

Are you doing anything different to how you used to be to try to show her you can change?

PaulAA wrote: »

How common is it to get the lawyers involved in a plain case with no children and a jointly owned property? If the case goes ahead can I in practice "defend" myself or would I need lawyers on the case as well? Really don't want this to happen...

I don't see that it matters how common it is.
Your wife has involved solicitors in your specific case.

I've said this before.
You seem to be split between fighting for your marriage and 'defending' yourself/instructing your own solicitors.

Posted by me several days ago:

Pollycat wrote: »

Are you just getting ready in case the worst happens or have you given up?
TBH, it doesn't really sound to me that you are 100% committed (despite your protestations) to making this relationship work.

What's your strategy here?
No point in people giving you advice about trying to save your marriage if you're going to do tit-for-tat and instruct solicitors.

Mojisola

PaulAA wrote: »

Her feelings are clearly hurt. She said she didn't feel happy.

All is not broken with our relationship; I've been providing her with a relative comfort - perhaps less so the emotional comfort.

Does this show the chasm between the two of you - you think that because there's plenty of money, she should be happy.

Given the choice between being "well provided for" but in a sterile relationship and being poorer but knowing that the two of you are always there for each other and understand each others' needs - well, many people would chose the latter.

Neither is 'right' or 'wrong' - as long as both people in the relationship are happy and that doesn't seem to be the case here.

thorsoak

PaulAA wrote: »

She keeps referring to the isolated events in the past. Her feelings are clearly hurt. She said she didn't feel happy. I doubt there's a 3rd party involved, but she couldn't explain the urgency of the move.

She seems to believe that by leaving she'd be able to find a perfect and happy relationship.

All is not broken with our relationship; I've been providing her with a relative comfort - perhaps less so the emotional comfort.

How common is it to get the lawyers involved in a plain case with no children and a jointly owned property? If the case goes ahead can I in practice "defend" myself or would I need lawyers on the case as well? Really don't want this to happen...

Drop a plate on the floor - it breaks into pieces. You say you are sorry - does it get put back together? No. Same thing with your relationship.

You seem to be intent on "defending" your marriage - but your wife says it is broken. All you will do is fund the solicitors' new cars!

Let her go - with love (if you do still love her, not the thought of marriage).

PaulAA_2

I don't find this comparison particularly insightful. Finding a new partner may have worked for you and many other people on this thread, but may not work for me and my wife.

I like to think a relationship is like sharing a book. If you are not on the same page then there's no point in carrying on. But both can work towards being on the same page.

Yes, I do keep both the relationship and the lawyers in my sights.

The utmost priority is keeping the family together.