Wife wants out, but I want to keep the family together. Advice needed

thorsoak

1. Do you have an children?

2. Do you have a joint mortgage? Both names on the deeds?

3. Does she propose moving out of the marital home or is she asking you to move out?

We can give you more advice when these facts are clearer - but in the meantime, can I just suggest that dirty laundry remains in the washing machine - not on facebook! Don't do it! So tacky.

Platinumx

Cottage_Economy wrote: »

I have to agree with many others' opinions. Do not beg. You've already made it clear you want the marriage to continue.

To still be living together and her to file for divorce without saying anything means she is either

A) seeing someone
has fixated on an idea that someone else would make her happier and liven up her life
C) has reached the end of her tether about something you may not have taken seriously and her interest in you has dropped so low she sees no benefit in remaining married.

Or perhaps all three?

I'm afraid I was a c) with a long-term partner before I met my husband. Eventually you just give up and lose respect for them. You wonder how they can be so thoughtless to someone they are supposed to love, even after you have told them how you feel about something and they continue to do it, and then one day there is a 'click' and the solution becomes apparent. You finally put yourself first.

He did the 'stay and i'll change' but my feelings had already gone. There was nothing left. He needed action from me to take action about his behaviours. The trouble was, I spent a long time asking, explaining, commenting about what was wrong and only took action when I was done. He had about three years to do something - and he acknowledged he knew there was an issue - but waited until he'd lost me to try and win me back. What is that, the thrill of the chase?

If your wife had threatened divorce to try and get you to listen, that's one thing. She's actually taken independent decisive action, so she is some way down the road in her thinking now and it may very well be too late.

You have hit the nail on the head!

I learnt this the hard way.

Pricivius

If my spouse filed for divorce, I would take that as a very clear sign of intentions. It's not a hint, a nudge in the right direction, a subtle reminder or a tactful wink - it's a sledgehammer.

So, I would make it very clear that divorce is not what I want, that I am willing to discuss the issues and make efforts to see if the marriage can be saved and that I still love him/her. But once I had made that clear once so it could not be misunderstood, ignored or overlooked, I would start taking the required actions. Begin the conscious uncoupling, if you will. This is what you want so we need to do it, as quickly, quietly, maturely and amicably as we can.

No more hand-holding - you have made it clear you do not want to be with me so we no longer hold hands, kiss, sleep together, or share affection.
Finances - let's work out what we need to do with salaries, joint accounts, bills...
Accommodation - who is going to live where? Can we live here together, separately, whilst we sell it?
Possessions - who owns the picture in the hall? Was this your duvet cover or mine? Do you need the sofa?

That would be my approach. No Facebook, no petitioning friends, no grand gestures or desperate measures. I love you enough to give you what you want, even though it is not what I want.

BitterAndTwisted

Begging, pleading and Facebook campaigns?

I know you're desperate but none of these things, or any others, will make her change her mind if she's determined to end your marriage.

It only takes one party to decide that the marriage has no future and wants to end it, for it to end. She doesn't need your permission and she doesn't have to justify it to you either.

It's terribly, terribly sad for you, and possibly a huge shock but if she's made up her mind, and going to the trouble of having the documents drawn up and served is pretty damned persuasive, there is likely nothing on God's earth which will change the outcome.

The only thing you should do is try to act with some dignity and self-respect. Begging and pleading will only diminish what respect she may have for you.

swingaloo

PaulAA wrote: »

Hi all, I'm new and decided to try this forum.

My wife is filing for a divorce after 10 years together, and I want to keep the family together. In my view the relationship is a bit stale, but far from the end of the world. Annoying things have been said to each other, but we are not a bickering family. Lack of understanding has been mentioned - but I think nothing that cannot be fixed. No children.

In a nutshell, I think she is tired of me. Her application for a divorce was a shock to me: we haven't discussed this before. Since then we've had a good chat, I've listened to her concerns, and the way I see it there are very simple things that I can change to make her feel happier. And I want to do that. It has been a week since I've learnt about her intention, and she still feels adamant to leave. I keep asking her to stay every day. I don't think she has someone else in sights as of now.

So, she has lodged an application with the lawyers, and at this stage I understand there's very little that I can do - please correct me if I am wrong here; I do need to know what can be done to make marriage work. I keep thinking that with children we would have been busy taking care of them rather than focusing on what could be described as non-issues.

I have come across crazy ideas like facebook campaigns to collect thousands of likes to keep the family together. I think I am prepared to do whatever it takes to keep us together.

In case she decided to go ahead and leave this is going to be a truly lose-lose situation. We probably stand to lose the home, and what each person gets as a result is hardly going to be enough for another deposit. I would say each of us is not bold enough to comfortably live alone.

So, that's me. Any constructive thoughts would be appreciated.

That's what stands out to me!

duchy

Yep
No I in team

fairy_lights

duchy wrote: »

Yep
No I in team

But there is an 'I' in divorce...

firefly5

You can't force someone to stay with you, or be in love with you. It's sad, but these things happen. Hold your head up high and good luck!

CH27

PaulAA wrote: »

Hi all, I'm new and decided to try this forum.

My wife is filing for a divorce after 10 years together, and I want to keep the family together. In my view the relationship is a bit stale, but far from the end of the world. Annoying things have been said to each other, but we are not a bickering family. Lack of understanding has been mentioned - but I think nothing that cannot be fixed. No children.

In a nutshell, I think she is tired of me. Her application for a divorce was a shock to me: we haven't discussed this before. Since then we've had a good chat, I've listened to her concerns, and the way I see it there are very simple things that I can change to make her feel happier. And I want to do that. It has been a week since I've learnt about her intention, and she still feels adamant to leave. I keep asking her to stay every day. I don't think she has someone else in sights as of now.

So, she has lodged an application with the lawyers, and at this stage I understand there's very little that I can do - please correct me if I am wrong here; I do need to know what can be done to make marriage work. I keep thinking that with children we would have been busy taking care of them rather than focusing on what could be described as non-issues.

I have come across crazy ideas like facebook campaigns to collect thousands of likes to keep the family together. I think I am prepared to do whatever it takes to keep us together.

In case she decided to go ahead and leave this is going to be a truly lose-lose situation. We probably stand to lose the home, and what each person gets as a result is hardly going to be enough for another deposit. I would say each of us is not bold enough to comfortably live alone.

So, that's me. Any constructive thoughts would be appreciated.

Maintain your dignity at all times.

PaulAA_2

FBaby wrote: »

If it is do easy why haven't you fixed it before? Maybe she doesn’t believe you can deliver your promises in the long run and she can't threaten you with divorce every few years because that's the only time you'll consider her happiness.

I think there's some truth in here. How do I prove that this is not going to be the case then?