Wife wants out, but I want to keep the family together. Advice needed

PaulAA_2

Ozzuk wrote: »

Don't do facebook, last thing she wants is the world being dragged in. Given your info she's apparently jumped straight to divorce so I hate to say it but I'd be amazed if there isn't someone else.

Let her go, it's horrible but you'll survive. Sure let her know it's not what you want, let her know you'll do counselling or whatever it takes to fix things but ultimately you can't force her and it sounds like her mind is made up. Really does sound like she's found someone else as usually there is a 'trial separation' or 'I need space'. From what you've said anyway.

Thanks. I could be very wrong, but I do think there's no someone else involved at this stage. I could be wrong, but what if I'm right?

If so this makes me wonder why jump straight to lawyers without having and open discussion and, as suggested, trial separation. We are doing lots of counselling now, which she enjoys, probably as a tool to better understand herself. What type of specialists do we actually need?

What I fail to understand is that we still hold hands while walking.

caprikid1

OP. I am in pretty much the exact same situation as you.

I have come to the conclusion if I am to save our marriage I should let her go. Begging / keeping her here will change nothing in her mind.

Feel Free to PM me.

PaulAA_2

Platinumx wrote: »

Get yourself over to

Love Shack 180

To be honest, from all the reading I've done, post my recent separation, it sounds as if a 3rd party is on the scene.

We were together 6 years and it was virtually ended over night and they moved out.

Begging and promising the world is not attractive, I've done that before but not this time.

Get on the phone to your pals and get out socializing. Get down the gym and shape up.. look forward for you.

This is interesting as I have an open invite for a great do this weekend. Instead I was thinking of spending more time together with my wife. Why would it be a bad idea to remind ourselves about the good times that we can have together?

Mojisola

PaulAA wrote: »

Instead I was thinking of spending more time together with my wife. Why would it be a bad idea to remind ourselves about the good times that we can have together?

If your wife has started the divorce process, why do you think she would want to spend the weekend with you?

Platinumx

Hello Paul,

I should have said, sorry to hear of your situation.

I didn't realise you were still living together.

Very true, if you are still living together and things are amicable then it's worth a shot, one can only imagine. I would still suggest getting over to Love shack and the 180 post.

There is some great reading over there. It's opened up my eye to a lot of things.. reading through a lot of what other people have been through.

From what I've read, a least readying yourself for what may well happen, will hopefully, at least prepare yourself somewhat for what lays ahead.

Best of luck!

whitewing

I agree that begging and pleading and great love campaigns won't work.

A simple 'I don't want us to split up' shows your feelings without being desperate.

Other than that, I agree with the focusing on things like the gym that get you out of your rut.

PlutoinCapricorn

Platinumx wrote: »

Get yourself over to

Love Shack 180

To be honest, from all the reading I've done, post my recent separation, it sounds as if a 3rd party is on the scene.

We were together 6 years and it was virtually ended over night and they moved out.

Begging and promising the world is not attractive, I've done that before but not this time.

Get on the phone to your pals and get out socializing. Get down the gym and shape up.. look forward for you.

I agree with most of this. Begging is a huge turn off and is counter productive: it never works. The same with offering presents, holidays etc.

Someone called Sean T has an Insanity workout that two people who lost their wives say saved them. I would add that doing some worthwhile work gives confidence.

It is possible that she has met someone else; it is possible that she is using this as emotional blackmail - to get a better car or house for example; it is possible that she has been influenced by a circle of female 'friends' who are telling her that she could do better; it is possible that she just wants to stir up some drama.

If you Google "My wife wants a divorce" you will find a lot of cases, advice and information. Be very careful with online dating sites!

Mojisola

PlutoinCapricorn wrote: »

It is possible that she has met someone else; it is possible that she is using this as emotional blackmail - to get a better car or house for example; it is possible that she has been influenced by a circle of female 'friends' who are telling her that she could do better; it is possible that she just wants to stir up some drama.

It's also possible that there is some fault on the OP's side!

[Deleted User]

In my similar experience (except that we both wanted out):

Decent relationship counselling might help. And might help you to understand her reasons for wanting to leave - especially as she has mentioned 'lack of understanding'. Sometimes it's easier to let it all out in a neutral space.

Back off from asking her to stay every day. Just be her friend and listen. If you truly love her then let yourselves have some breathing space.

In my case (married 7 years, together 10, no children) we were both miserable. The counselling and space helped me to realise that the world wouldn't stop turning and there was a life to be lived after the end or our marriage. I'm living it now, nine years later, very happily with my 2nd husband.

PaulAA_2

Mojisola wrote: »

If your wife has started the divorce process, why do you think she would want to spend the weekend with you?

She doesn't seem to mind. I am not a George Clooney, but my company can still be enjoyable.
As I said we still do walk together by holding hands.

What do you think about the idea of me asking her girlfriends to talk to her about the prospects of the single life? Over the years I have created an environment of a relative financial comfort for her. I think it's going to be a challenge for her to go on her own.