Wife wants out, but I want to keep the family together. Advice needed

PaulAA_2

Hi all, I'm new and decided to try this forum.

My wife is filing for a divorce after 10 years together, and I want to keep the family together. In my view the relationship is a bit stale, but far from the end of the world. Annoying things have been said to each other, but we are not a bickering family. Lack of understanding has been mentioned - but I think nothing that cannot be fixed. No children.

In a nutshell, I think she is tired of me. Her application for a divorce was a shock to me: we haven't discussed this before. Since then we've had a good chat, I've listened to her concerns, and the way I see it there are very simple things that I can change to make her feel happier. And I want to do that. It has been a week since I've learnt about her intention, and she still feels adamant to leave. I keep asking her to stay every day. I don't think she has someone else in sights as of now.

So, she has lodged an application with the lawyers, and at this stage I understand there's very little that I can do - please correct me if I am wrong here; I do need to know what can be done to make marriage work. I keep thinking that with children we would have been busy taking care of them rather than focusing on what could be described as non-issues.

I have come across crazy ideas like facebook campaigns to collect thousands of likes to keep the family together. I think I am prepared to do whatever it takes to keep us together.

In case she decided to go ahead and leave this is going to be a truly lose-lose situation. We probably stand to lose the home, and what each person gets as a result is hardly going to be enough for another deposit. I would say each of us is not bold enough to comfortably live alone.

So, that's me. Any constructive thoughts would be appreciated.

PlutoinCapricorn

Something like this happened to a friend of mine, and I did a lot of research on his behalf.

'No fault divorce' means that people can opt out of a marriage at any time for no particular reason. This is breach of contract, but they can get away with it. Sometimes they add insult to injury by trying to get assests and money.

The consensus is that when it reaches the "I want a divorce stage", it is too late to redeem the situation. My friend offered all kinds of things including expensive holidays, which does not work. His wife wanted someone better, someone like Tom Cruise or George Clooney.

PlutoinCapricorn

"I keep asking her to stay every day... I think I am prepared to do whatever it takes to keep us together..."

I found some posts online a while back that seem relevant here:

first man "My hole was so deep that I actually wondered whether it was possible that someday in the future I might laugh again. To ever be happy again was so far beyond reach, that I had a better chance of driving to the moon and back.

I am here to tell you that you will survive, and if you are smart you will learn from this experience, and someday in the future you will apply these lessons in you next relationship. And yes someday in the future you will be happy again.

Now to be blunt, give up on trying to get her back. Everything that you have tried has bounced back at you. When a wife walks away, trying to get her to see how wrong she is, begging her to come back, sending her cards and flowers, etc., do nothing but push her further away and make her even more determined. She loses even more respect for you, and she sees it as a way to try and control her."

Second man "Thanks everyone for your advice. I do know what I need to do but putting everything into practice is a different story. Much of the advice I've read on these threads is the same so I guess I just have to try. One thing that scares me tho is if I don't try and get her back she will move on thinking I don't want her back which is obviously not true. I've always been a great believer in if you want something bad enough then fight for it and you'll get it. that's always worked for me in the past but maybe that just doesn't work for marriages."

Third man "I thought fighting for my wife would be the best thing to do because if the roles were reversed that's what I would want her to do. Well, turns out (as everyone is saying in every separation/divorce thread) that is the worst thing you can do. I made things 1000 times worse by doing that and killed any chance of fixing things."

FBaby

It is highly likely that the is someone else involved. Youwouldn't be the first one who saw no signs of it, whose been told there is no one else to then discover at a later stage that the was a boyfriend around all that time. The signs are usually a sudden hush to move it forward despite various talks and promising potential resolutions.

justme111

So "she wants one thing but I want another , how can I make her do what I want "?
Charming.
Replying the question though - find out what she wants and give it to her. I doubt she wants nagging that you giving her now.

justme111

FBaby wrote: »

It is highly likely that the is someone else involved. Youwouldn't be the first one who saw no signs of it, whose been told there is no one else to then discover at a later stage that the was a boyfriend around all that time. The signs are usually a sudden hush to move it forward despite various talks and promising potential resolutions.

Yeah , its just what this guy needs - to find "the reason" for a breakup in a third party

Ozzuk

Don't do facebook, last thing she wants is the world being dragged in. Given your info she's apparently jumped straight to divorce so I hate to say it but I'd be amazed if there isn't someone else.

Let her go, it's horrible but you'll survive. Sure let her know it's not what you want, let her know you'll do counselling or whatever it takes to fix things but ultimately you can't force her and it sounds like her mind is made up. Really does sound like she's found someone else as usually there is a 'trial separation' or 'I need space'. From what you've said anyway.

InsideInsurance

On what grounds is divorce being filed? Unless she alleges your infidelity or unreasonable behavior then there are minimum timescales before divorce can be filed for, namely 2 years of living apart.

If you've allowed to get it as far as her lawyering up then you've already left it too late and your opportunity for change was when you noticed things were in your words "stale" or more accurately when she became so unhappy with the relationship

You'd be better off expending your energies on moving on in my opinion

warmhands.coldheart

Trust me.. DO NOT for one second assume having a child/children will fix things... IT WILL NOT !! happened my SIL... now a single parent.....

I think you should move on personally if she is really that adamant and you are arguing about petty things.... do it now when you have no real ties like kids.....

I know it will be tough but it may be the right thing to do..... you can't force someone to "love" you......

Move on..... it could be the best thing for everyone all round, even yourself....

Mojisola

PaulAA wrote: »

I do need to know what can be done to make marriage work.

A marriage can only work when both people want it to work.

If your wife doesn't want to be with you any more, it doesn't matter what you do - if fact, the more you push to 'make it work', the chances are the faster you'll push her away.

Platinumx

Get yourself over to

Love Shack 180

To be honest, from all the reading I've done, post my recent separation, it sounds as if a 3rd party is on the scene.

We were together 6 years and it was virtually ended over night and they moved out.

Begging and promising the world is not attractive, I've done that before but not this time.

Get on the phone to your pals and get out socializing. Get down the gym and shape up.. look forward for you.