Wife wants out, but I want to keep the family together. Advice needed

Blackbeard_of_Perranporth

Go to the suitcase and put her stuff in it. Then get a locksmith.


No, have a weekend away together instead.

marisco_2

PaulAA wrote: »

I think I am prepared to do whatever it takes to keep us together.

Starting facebook campaigns or asking friends to intervene is likely to cause way more harm than good. When a relationship is in trouble both parties are in pain, and they each need their emotions, thoughts and feelings to remain private and respected.

A better way forward would be to suggest to your wife, that you sit down together and calmly talk things through openly and honestly. Agree that you will both really listen to one another, and try to get to the bottom of where you are each at. It may not lead to you being able to sort things out and get back on track. You will at least not be left in this awful state of confusion and anxiety that you are naturally feeling right now. Sorry for all you are going through. I wish you luck.

Pollycat

PaulAA wrote: »

My wife is filing for a divorce after 10 years together, and I want to keep the family together. In my view the relationship is a bit stale, but far from the end of the world. Annoying things have been said to each other, but we are not a bickering family. Lack of understanding has been mentioned - but I think nothing that cannot be fixed. No children.

In a nutshell, I think she is tired of me. Her application for a divorce was a shock to me: we haven't discussed this before. Since then we've had a good chat, I've listened to her concerns, and the way I see it there are very simple things that I can change to make her feel happier. And I want to do that. It has been a week since I've learnt about her intention, and she still feels adamant to leave. I keep asking her to stay every day. I don't think she has someone else in sights as of now.

You say you've listened to her concerns but what have you promised to do about the things that you know you can do that may (or may not) make things better?

Has she said that if you can actually make good with the promises she'll stay and give it another try?

Don't keep asking her to stay.
There's nothing worse than someone banging on about something.
It's likely to have the opposite effect.

PaulAA wrote: »

So, she has lodged an application with the lawyers, and at this stage I understand there's very little that I can do - please correct me if I am wrong here; I do need to know what can be done to make marriage work. I keep thinking that with children we would have been busy taking care of them rather than focusing on what could be described as non-issues.

You say you need to know what you can do to make your marriage work but earlier in your post you said you'd had a chat and she'd told you her concerns.
So hasn't she actually already told you what you can do?
Are you sure you are listening to her because I'm not totally convinced you are?

PaulAA wrote: »

I have come across crazy ideas like facebook campaigns to collect thousands of likes to keep the family together. I think I am prepared to do whatever it takes to keep us together.

You're right - it is a crazy idea and one that I'd disregard right now, along with any similar silly ideas.

PaulAA wrote: »

In case she decided to go ahead and leave this is going to be a truly lose-lose situation. We probably stand to lose the home, and what each person gets as a result is hardly going to be enough for another deposit. I would say each of us is not bold enough to comfortably live alone.

So, that's me. Any constructive thoughts would be appreciated.

She may have considered your financial situation and decided she would rather struggle alone rather than be with you.
Have you talked about money and the future apart with her.

FBaby

PaulAA wrote: »

Lack of attention, and I don't deny it. But I think this aspect is an easy one to fix.

If it is do easy why haven't you fixed it before? Maybe she doesn’t believe you can deliver your promises in the long run and she can't threaten you with divorce every few years because that's the only time you'll consider her happiness.

duchy

Talking to her girlfriends is the worst idea ever.
Women stick together -you are asking them to side with you. Firstly they probably won't, secondly they will tell her and she'll be furious with you.

It isn't over til she packs her bags and leaves
Instead of talking about what you CAN do-why don't you just start doing it and see if she softens a bit. Just don't expect her to praise you for treating her how you should have treated her all along.

PlutoinCapricorn

It may be too late now. I remember reading a post by someone who said that he thought his situation was similar to a bad appraisal at work where you must agree to work on some weak points, but the reality is that it was like being given reasons for dismissal.

Any action that makes you appear weak, needy, desperate and of lower value than her is not likely to be effective - quite the reverse.

Cottage_Economy

I have to agree with many others' opinions. Do not beg. You've already made it clear you want the marriage to continue.

To still be living together and her to file for divorce without saying anything means she is either

A) seeing someone
has fixated on an idea that someone else would make her happier and liven up her life
C) has reached the end of her tether about something you may not have taken seriously and her interest in you has dropped so low she sees no benefit in remaining married.

Or perhaps all three?

I'm afraid I was a c) with a long-term partner before I met my husband. Eventually you just give up and lose respect for them. You wonder how they can be so thoughtless to someone they are supposed to love, even after you have told them how you feel about something and they continue to do it, and then one day there is a 'click' and the solution becomes apparent. You finally put yourself first.

He did the 'stay and i'll change' but my feelings had already gone. There was nothing left. He needed action from me to take action about his behaviours. The trouble was, I spent a long time asking, explaining, commenting about what was wrong and only took action when I was done. He had about three years to do something - and he acknowledged he knew there was an issue - but waited until he'd lost me to try and win me back. What is that, the thrill of the chase?

If your wife had threatened divorce to try and get you to listen, that's one thing. She's actually taken independent decisive action, so she is some way down the road in her thinking now and it may very well be too late.

Mojisola

PlutoinCapricorn wrote: »

More quotes, some from the Christian heartland in the US but all confirming what people here have said:

"These women will do anything in their power to justify their selfishness. All one can do is sincerely hope that one day reality slaps them in the face. We, the innocent, have to remain strong for our well being, throw some prayer in there, read some books, find someone to talk to and keep walking forward. Under no circumstances do anything stupid, much less sink down to their level"

"Do positive things to sublimate the depression or anger. Exercise (sports, weight lifting, running) is awesome for this. Get back in shape (if you need to) lose fat, build muscle, work on the six-pack. Get in touch with an old friend. Build or fix something that you've put off. Start keeping a journal for the future. "

" don't beg her to stay, that is one of the many regrets most of the husbands feel on here. Keep your dignity. It still hurts to me to this day, how with both of my ex's, how i cried for them so, and begged them to stay and then later begged them to PLEASE come home, I need you and I love you, on and on. Today I am very, very ashamed of myself for begging them both the way I did. Every man that I know personally has been through this very kind of thing.It's the same story over and over, with not much difference between the stories, only the names change."

Best thing is to keep well away from these evil daughters of Eve so that they can't drag you down with their temptations and manipulations.

Stevie_Palimo

You could try this :-

DKLS

It reads like she has found a greener patch of grass to lie in, now that path of grass may turn to a weed and dog egg covered patch in the future, but if she wants out and doesn't want to work to save the marriage the only option is to let her go with grace.

I wouldn't recommend any wacky ideas to keep her such as friends or bookface campaigns. Just lay your cards on the table in an honest and open manner, the choice is hers to then pick them up or walk on by.