My friend is a hoarder

There_Goes_Trouble

Ames - thank you for sharing, it's very brave of you and extremely helpful to read.

A website I find very helpful is 'help for hoarders' - google it. There's info and a forum for hoarders, but also for relatives and friends of hoarders. You'll get advice there about how to approach your friend.

Ames

Thanks everyone. Yes, I was saying that the OP was using language that came across as smug and condescending, not that they were/are those things.

As for how to approach the friend, it all depends on the friend, the friendship, how long you've known each other etc. And it's going to be different for each person.

Personally, I realised when a council workman reported me because my flat's a fire hazard. The tenancy support officer came in and said 'I think you have a hoarding problem'. I could have cried - in relief.

It wasn't just me being messy and a failure, it was a problem with causes, and therefore with solutions.

Family saying 'I'm not coming here ever again unless you tidy up', and meaning it to the point of peeing in the street rather than use my loo, didn't help.

A social worker saying 'if you tidied up, you wouldn't be so depressed', didn't help.

'I think you're a hoarder and we can help you with that', did help. (although in the end there hasn't been any help, but that's a whole other story). By then I already had an inkling - having less than half the bed to sleep in and having to know which piles were safe to balance on to move around the flat had been pretty big clues. But calling myself a hoarder seemed melodramatic and attention seeking.

Ironically, the other big thing was when I came across a thread on here about hoarding which led me to the ones on Old Style, and then I realised that I wasn't alone, I wasn't a failure, I had an illness which could be dealt with, albeit not easily.

The OPs friend could have invited her as a cry for help. Or she could have invited her because she lives so far away that the friend can pretend it's not a problem. The invite could have been propping up the denial - see, I can have friends around! (but only if they live hours away and I won't have to look them in the eye for a long time).

If the friend is a hoarder, and if it were me, then mentioning the electrics and that there's safety concerns and that there is actually help out there, might have worked. But only if I was already in the place that meant I was ready to deal with it.

Delree

I admit my pop at DUTR was unwarranted but I was majorly frustrated at her attitude. Here we have someone clearly in need of some form of help and all I got were excuses for her behaviour and suggestions that I'm some sort of busy body for wanting to help. Realising that she also hoards made me angrier because she of all people should know how damaging that lifestyle is and she attempted to stop me from helping.

A bit like how some deaf societies and charities oppose hearing aids and cochlear implants.

All the other replies however have been fantastic and really useful. And getting Ames' insight is remarkable and humbling that you took the time to share that. Unlike DUTR you admit the problem, know it needs facing and explained very clearly the methods that worked and what didn't. I will consider your posts very carefully before deciding on what I do next.

Just reassure the people on here that think I'm going to turn up at her house with a team of people dressed up like CSI officers and forceably clean her house, I am not. This requires a gentle approach.

Pollycat

Delree wrote: »

I admit my pop at DUTR was unwarranted but I was majorly frustrated at her attitude. Here we have someone clearly in need of some form of help and all I got were excuses for her behaviour and suggestions that I'm some sort of busy body for wanting to help. Realising that she also hoards made me angrier because she of all people should know how damaging that lifestyle is and she attempted to stop me from helping.

A bit like how some deaf societies and charities oppose hearing aids and cochlear implants.

All the other replies however have been fantastic and really useful. And getting Ames' insight is remarkable and humbling that you took the time to share that. Unlike DUTR you admit the problem, know it needs facing and explained very clearly the methods that worked and what didn't. I will consider your posts very carefully before deciding on what I do next.

Just reassure the people on here that think I'm going to turn up at her house with a team of people dressed up like CSI officers and forceably clean her house, I am not. This requires a gentle approach.

But it wasn't DUTR's hoarding habit we were discussing, was it?

DUTR has said that although she has old magazines they are all stored very nicely.
He/she also said that having a clearout reveals little rubbish.
And also that they are clearing clothes out.

I find it hard to believe that you acknowledge that your reply to DUTR was unwarranted and then you take 2 more swipes after that.

If you're like this with random strangers on the internet I find it hard to believe that you are capable of taking a 'gentle approach'.

Mojisola

Ames wrote: »

As for how to approach the friend, it all depends on the friend, the friendship, how long you've known each other etc. And it's going to be different for each person.

If the friend is a hoarder, and if it were me, then mentioning the electrics and that there's safety concerns and that there is actually help out there, might have worked. But only if I was already in the place that meant I was ready to deal with it.

I think this is the main problem - something that worked with one person won't with someone else; something that didn't work with one person would work if tried at another time - so anyone trying to help is likely to get it wrong unless they are very lucky.

If the OP tries to help and is rebuffed but still wants to help, it's really down to saying "I'll be here for you when you want help."

Buffythedebtslayer

DUTR wrote: »

Earlier I was going to post a pic , but then refrained, I can imagine the Op's friend's house is similar with clutter but a different kind of clutter.
Ideally for me , I would need to take everything out of the house and put into storage as if I were moving house, then just put back the things I actually use and have the house minimalistic.
The plans always sound easy on paper, but executing them is another matter

this rang a HUGE bell with me. If any of my close friends saw I how I live at the moment I would be HORRIFIED. Truthfully I don't think any of my friends have ever seen the current bedroom I live in or what passes as a conservatory at the moment.


I have so many plans but am currently working 6 days a week and so tired on my days off the house is getting worse. This summer, being outside for most it, I had a lovely time but the house suffered. I am still carting about stuff for the charity shop from June!


The front room and kitchen are fine as is the hallway but my room and the conservatory are full of stuff that needs sorting and putting away or chucking.


and the plan is literally three days to do it. but I never have three days so............it never gets done.

Ames wrote: »

Thanks, I can talk about it now because I have dealt with the issues. I know now that I do x,y,z, and why, so I can avoid it.

It's helped that a lot of my issues are around family, so now they're out of my life I can step back and be more analytical about it all.

I took photos at the beginning and looked at them last week, it's great to see how far I've come.

I am seeing the house move as a new start. I'm going to get a cleaner, and from the start I'm going to invite people round for a cuppa. I'm determined it's going to be different.

Although how I get from here to physically being able to move is a bit hard to see. I need to just break it down into small bites of the elephant.

Ames it is SO good to "see" you again I bet you don't remember me! but I remember you from the Daily Chat thread from about a million years ago and the subsequent outings


So good to read how well you are doing bloody marvellous, lots of luck with the house move XXXX




My only suggestion to the OP is just keep being there, you will be able to help when she is ready. any problem a person has is ultimately their problem to solve - with help and support but till they are ready to change they are not going to change.


I think I would possibly mention the electrics tho, very subtly? I get it is an awkward position to be in.


Good luck

CH27

Delree wrote: »

I admit my pop at DUTR was unwarranted but I was majorly frustrated at her attitude. Here we have someone clearly in need of some form of help and all I got were excuses for her behaviour and suggestions that I'm some sort of busy body for wanting to help. Realising that she also hoards made me angrier because she of all people should know how damaging that lifestyle is and she attempted to stop me from helping.

A bit like how some deaf societies and charities oppose hearing aids and cochlear implants.

All the other replies however have been fantastic and really useful. And getting Ames' insight is remarkable and humbling that you took the time to share that. Unlike DUTR you admit the problem, know it needs facing and explained very clearly the methods that worked and what didn't. I will consider your posts very carefully before deciding on what I do next.

Just reassure the people on here that think I'm going to turn up at her house with a team of people dressed up like CSI officers and forceably clean her house, I am not. This requires a gentle approach.

Is there any need to be so rude to DUTR?
They have kindly attempted to help you understand the mindset of a hoarder & you carry on sniping insteading of listening & learning.

Pollycat

Delree
It might have been better if you'd left your post at this (purple text only):

Delree wrote: »

I admit my pop at DUTR was unwarranted but I was majorly frustrated at her attitude. Here we have someone clearly in need of some form of help and all I got were excuses for her behaviour and suggestions that I'm some sort of busy body for wanting to help. Realising that she also hoards made me angrier because she of all people should know how damaging that lifestyle is and she attempted to stop me from helping.

A bit like how some deaf societies and charities oppose hearing aids and cochlear implants.

All the other replies however have been fantastic and really useful. And getting Ames' insight is remarkable and humbling that you took the time to share that. Unlike DUTR you admit the problem, know it needs facing and explained very clearly the methods that worked and what didn't. I will consider your posts very carefully before deciding on what I do next.

Just reassure the people on here that think I'm going to turn up at her house with a team of people dressed up like CSI officers and forceably clean her house, I am not. This requires a gentle approach

danandjens_worldtravels

j.e.j. wrote: »

The programmes on tv with that Greek guy (can't remember his name) were insightful. There may be many people up and down the land who live like this and would love to find a way out.

Do you mean Mr Trebus?

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edmund_Trebus

Gingernutty

Mr Trebus was German/Polish.

I think they meant Stelios Kiosses the guy from the Channel 4 series "The Hoarder Next Door".