My friend is a hoarder

Pollycat

Delree wrote: »

If I may say, it sounds like you're in a little bit of denial and making excuses for my friend to cover up your own problem.

WOW! Just WOW!

Maybe you should think about typing this again.

Delree wrote: »

By the way sorry if my initial reply was snarky, I didn't mean it.

I agree with this 100%

swingaloo wrote: »

Well until I read this last post from the OP I was firmly on her side and thinking she was trying to be a good friend and getting unfair criticism.

However after that response Im not convinced shes the right person to 'help' anybody.

You come across as very domineering and expect others to live to your standards. The previous poster was correct about the electrics, they are a seperate issue. not everyone who hoards has unsafe electrics.
Reading the opost it looks as if you had a snoop everywhere. I have a blown lightbulb in my back bedroom and have had for about 3 months but I dont expect my friends to criticise me for it.

If your friend genuinlly needs help then I hope she gets it but I fear the end of your friendship if you talk down to her as you have to others on here.

This suggestion below is likely to blow up in your face if your friend every finds out that the 2 of you have been discussing her behind her back.

Delree wrote: »

Having said that I have met one friend of hers who lives even further away, I could contact her on Facebook, but to be honest I have no idea if they're still in contact with each other.

Georgiegirl256

Delree wrote: »

If I may say, it sounds like you're in a little bit of denial and making excuses for my friend to cover up your own problem.

Until I read his paragraph, I was on your side OP. But woah! Hang on a minute! All you've done is have a go at DUTR, when all they were trying to do was to give you some advice. The above comment was simply unnecessary.

Good on you for wanting to help your friend out because hoarding is a terrible mental illness. I watched a programme on it once and it was terribly sad. But if your attitude is anywhere near as forceful as you have been in this thread, I'd say rather than doing your friend a favour, you might only serve to make it worse.

Before you go in all guns blazing, take a step back and try and understand the situation from the mindset of a hoarder. The way they think and place value on their possessions will be very different to yours, and you need to understand that before you do anything.

Pollycat

Lily-Rose wrote: »

Funny how you assume the post is aimed at you though.

Not an assumption at all.

You only have to read the sequence and content of the posts between mine and yours to know that your post was aimed at me.

SavingPennies_2

DUTR wrote: »

I bet your friend's house is not as cluttered as mine, however having a clearout, reveals little rubbish, this isn't an attack on your post, that's why I say raise the topic in light conversation. I don't know your friend, but as a person who has a lot of clutter, I can understand why some people do keep a lot of possesions.
It's nothing to do with self harm , it's not just cluttered houses that go up in smoke, so that is a weak argument.

As soon as I read you first post above I thought it might be a response from a fellow hoarder/collector and I think this is an issue that will divide people depending on how they are themselves. Here's my perspective as someone who hates clutter. The argument about a fire is a valid one, but it's not just that it's more likely to have a fire (although I reckon it is), but also in the event of a fire it can be physically hard to get out as there is no clear escape route. This was in the news that it happened to someone in a flat just a few weeks ago, a fire started and they were trapped. Also if the house is stinking and cats a toileting everywhere there your friend cannot be in a happy or healthy place. Its one thing collecting certain things or keeping sentimental items but there is a line into unhealthy hoarding and it sounds like she is in that category. If you mention it be prepared she may be defensive or on the other hand she may be grateful for some help. TBH if she was happy to have you round she may not even realise how bad it has become. I'd broach the subject gently by asking if she wants any help sorting out a few things in her home. Perhaps suggest you could do a car boot together.

DUTR

Delree wrote: »

I suspect the smell factor is starting to come through already. It's put me in quite a dilema if I'm honest and I'm thoroughly torn on what to do and how to do it.

Delree wrote: »

The dangerous electrics are not seperate from the hoarding. It's all symptomatic of the neglect of the house she is giving. There are blown light bulbs that have not been replaced (a torch is used in the kitchen after dark). The banister on the stairs has come loose and no longer usable.

If I may say, it sounds like you're in a little bit of denial and making excuses for my friend to cover up your own problem.

Delree, it's the way you approach the topic with your friend that is key.
Although I hoard, I know I do I'm not in denial about that, I can easily go to someone else's house and think 'this place is untidy' .
One of my friend's house is untidy to some visitors, not dangerously so, but when people comment in it he takes strong exception to it, as he feels the person is only noticing his less positive attributes.

Only you on this thread knows your friend well enough to guess how they may well react to any comment.

Someone did ask if the home is rented or owned outright, if rented, then contact the landlord regarding the electrics and banister it is their legal responsibility. If it is owned then your friend may not know of someone trustworthy enough to not rip her off or not complete the job to a proper standard. (Is your partner compentent and willing to make good the electrics and or the banister?) or indeed you may be a DIY'r yourself? (sorry) .

Animals do give off scent, I know when I had my cat, I could smell her as I walked in the door (not defecation or urine) , not every visitor could smell it though, it's like aspargus wee, not everyone is affected or observes it.

I guess broaching the subject of a doing a room (if they wish) is a start.

Mojisola

DUTR wrote: »

One of my friend's house is untidy to some visitors, not dangerously so, but when people comment in it he takes strong exception to it, as he feels the person is only noticing his less positive attributes.

I don't know why being untidy at home is considered "bad" and being tidy "good". Sounds like old Victorian values.

Some really screwed-up, unpleasant people have very tidy houses!

DUTR

SavingPennies wrote: »

As soon as I read you first post above I thought it might be a response from a fellow hoarder/collector and I think this is an issue that will divide people depending on how they are themselves. Here's my perspective as someone who hates clutter. The argument about a fire is a valid one, but it's not just that it's more likely to have a fire (although I reckon it is), but also in the event of a fire it can be physically hard to get out as there is no clear escape route. This was in the news that it happened to someone in a flat just a few weeks ago, a fire started and they were trapped. Also if the house is stinking and cats a toileting everywhere there your friend cannot be in a happy or healthy place. Its one thing collecting certain things or keeping sentimental items but there is a line into unhealthy hoarding and it sounds like she is in that category. If you mention it be prepared she may be defensive or on the other hand she may be grateful for some help. TBH if she was happy to have you round she may not even realise how bad it has become. I'd broach the subject gently by asking if she wants any help sorting out a few things in her home. Perhaps suggest you could do a car boot together.

Mosjila mentioned about a friend who's late father had 8 sheds , my neighbour has a 20ft wide garage and is unable to park his car in there , this is due to car booting, thankfully his house is not cluttered.

BTW I'm not defending clutter/hoarding/collecting they can all be done in a safe way, being ultra tidy can also be seen as obsessional.
So yes there can be two camps.

As an aside, my car is always spick n span, where as some with a tidy house may have a vehicle 'like a tip' IMO with loose items that can become very dangerous if the vehicle suddenly came to a stop.

It will be interesting to hear how the conversation with her friend concludes.

merlin68

you'd be amazed how many people have houses like this my mil and sil for one and a friend of mine if im invited round I have to make an excuse now, last time I nearly threw up cos the kitchen floor was covered in cat poo and she then offered me a cup of tea can't they smell it themselves.

j.e.j.

merlin68 wrote: »

you'd be amazed how many people have houses like this my mil and sil for one and a friend of mine if im invited round I have to make an excuse now, last time I nearly threw up cos the kitchen floor was covered in cat poo and she then offered me a cup of tea can't they smell it themselves.

:eek:

I think you are right. Some people just live in shit and seem perfectly happy living like it. I have no idea how someone can live in a house that's so cluttered and dirty, and especially if there are pets peeing and pooing all over the place, - the house must be like a midden _pale_


But at the end of the day it's THEIR house and if they wanted help tidying it or if they felt embarrassed about the state of the place they'd say.


OP I understand you wanting to be a bit pro-active and you'd feel bad if anything happened to your friend, but I think there's only so much you can do. I wouldn't go round there again, and certainly wouldn't eat or drink out of anything there.

Pollycat

DUTR wrote: »

Mosjila mentioned about a friend who's late father had 8 sheds , my neighbour has a 20ft wide garage and is unable to park his car in there , this is due to car booting, thankfully his house is not cluttered.

I don't consider my house to be cluttered.
BUT - I do have a lot of 'stuff'.

I love orchids and cacti and have lots of them on windowsills.
They are all in planters, mainly Denby.

I know that my sister considers my house 'cluttered' but that is because she likes clear windowsills and minimal decoration.

I dislike throwing clothes away, even those that don't fit me anymore and are unlikely ever to fit me again.
Luckily, I have lots of wardrobe space but I am getting to the point where I need to get rid of one item to be able to fit in a new one.
So far, that's working OK for me.

I have lots of shoes and will maybe wear 4 different pairs in a day.
I usually leave them out for a day or so before putting them in the wardrobe but that is the extent of my 'clutter'.