My friend is a hoarder

Delree

Buzzybee90 wrote: »

I think the fact she allowed you into her home is a good starting point. Often hoarders don't get other see their hoard.

I think you need to drop subtle hits and allow her to bring the subject up herself, she must know it's not a good situation. Once you've hopefully got that trust established you can look into some more practical tips.

You see I wondered that. Did she invite me over as a cry for help perhaps? I don't know, maybe I'm reading far too much into it. But either way now I've seen the state of the place I cannot ignore it.

I think I will take your advice, just raise a light hearted subject, how's the house? Have you done any more tidying?

Lily-Rose_3

Delree wrote: »

Hang on, I'm not hell bent on getting rid of her stuff. I'm worried about her stuff but I know it's her clutter and not mine.

Should I not want to help someone who's obviously suffering from pernicious mental illness?

And no, you don't help a self harmer by handcuffing them to a chair, you help them instead by offering support. Same with hoarders.

Exactly! And I can't believe you're getting scolded to such an extent for wanting to help your friend. I agree, to just say 'mind yer own it's nothing to do with you' is poor advice.' What kind of friend just leaves a friend who clearly needs help? I think too many people are accused of being busybodies, and that is why people fall down in life, because not enough people seem to care.

As someone said above, she sounds like a bit of a hoarder, but she can't be THAT bad yet, or she wouldn't have let you in her home. But she does sound like she has the beginnings of a big problem.

Do you know someone who you talk to about it (who she knows?) Maybe you could ask someone like a GP? Obviously there are privacy laws surrounding this, but at the same time, a professional may be able to advise.

It is hard to say something yourself isn't it, as she may be upset. But you could see if someone else she knows could broach the subject.

Delree

Lily-Rose wrote: »

Exactly! And I can't believe you're getting scolded to such an extent for wanting to help your friend. I agree, to just say 'mind yer own it's nothing to do with you' is poor advice.' What kind of friend just leaves a friend who clearly needs help? I think too many people are accused of being busybodies, and that is why people fall down in life, because not enough people seem to care.

As someone said above, she sounds like a bit of a hoarder, but she can't be THAT bad yet, or she wouldn't have let you in her home. But she does sound like she has the beginnings of a big problem.

Do you know someone who you talk to about it (who she knows?) Maybe you could ask someone like a GP? Obviously there are privacy laws surrounding this, but at the same time, a professional may be able to advise.

It is hard to say something yourself isn't it, as she may be upset. But you could see if someone else she knows could broach the subject.

Your reply is such a tonic. Thank you because I was starting feel like a bad person.

I'm afraid we have no mutual friends and we live 2 hours apart. If there is an intervention it'll have to come directly from me.

Having said that I have met one friend of hers who lives even further away, I could contact her on Facebook, but to be honest I have no idea if they're still in contact with each other.

Mojisola

Delree wrote: »

Last weekend I visited a friend for the first time and I was shocked at the state of her house.

The house is terribly cluttered and you can't move around it easily thanks to the masses of boxes and junk lying around everywhere.
She has five cats and the place smells to high heaven. I suspect the cats are defecating in hard to reach parts and their feaces are going undiscovered.

Aside from the obvious health risk there is a massive fire risk too, if that house goes up the blaze will be uncontrollable.

My question is, how do I broach this subject without offending her? Or should I not worry about that and risk our friendship for her greater good?

Hoarding to this level is not healthy and will only go in one direction unless she deals with the problem that is making her hoard.

Do you know her well enough to pick up on what's behind it? If you can see that, say, it's problems at work, could you ignore the hoarding and try to help her with the source issue? If the main issue can be dealt with, she might cut back on the hoarding.

If the house is starting to stink because of cat pee and !!!!, it won't be long before she starts to smell because the stink will be on her clothes and in her hair. I couldn't let a friend get to that kind of state without trying to do something.

Delree

Mojisola wrote: »

Hoarding to this level is not healthy and will only go in one direction unless she deals with the problem that is making her hoard.

Do you know her well enough to pick up on what's behind it? If you can see that, say, it's problems at work, could you ignore the hoarding and try to help her with the source issue? If the main issue can be dealt with, she might cut back on the hoarding.

If the house is starting to stink because of cat pee and !!!!, it won't be long before she starts to smell because the stink will be on her clothes and in her hair. I couldn't let a friend get to that kind of state without trying to do something.

I suspect the smell factor is starting to come through already. It's put me in quite a dilema if I'm honest and I'm thoroughly torn on what to do and how to do it.

DUTR

Delree wrote: »

That's very true, we all keep things we shouldn't and sometimes find it tough to let go.

But it's when that becomes a problem, rooms are no longer usable, not being able to sleep on beds, piles of magazines dating back to 2007 and not being to shut doors.

This is a terraced house and it is a major fire risk as the electrics are overloaded, four ways everywhere and plug sockets loose from their fittings.

I am uneasy at raising this subject with her as it's not really my business but then again maybe it is.

By the way sorry if my initial reply was snarky, I didn't mean it.

The 4 ways are indeed or can be dangerous, loose sockets are indeed dangerous but seperate from clutter.

I have older magazines than that :eek: , but for me they are hobby magazines from before I had internet, in fact some are from the mid 90s (nicely stored mind you) .

Some solutions are simple enough, 'have a home for the items' for years my bedrooms were very cluttered, clothes on the bed floor etc, although I had wardrobes and bedside cabinets, it was only one day I realised I didn't have a tallboy chest of drawers in there, a trip to ikea and £70 down, that cured the bedroom storage :cool:

I live on my own yet have 4 TV's in the house, only yesterday my brother asked if I know anyone that has a TV going for my Dad, so will be down to 3 TV's .

I will be parting with some clothes at the weigh in charity shop hopefully today.

Your friend may appreciate some help, the mental illness and sensationalisation of what could happen, need not be brought up.

flossy_splodge

But whatever you do, DON'T try to force a 'tidy up'.
I had to go into hospital a couple of years back and a family member and her very bossy husband took it upon themselves to 'tidy' my house and throw out 'rubbish'.
What HE saw as rubbish was computer mags I was working my way through and in their tidying they threw away a bottle of vintage wine as it was 'old'.
I have not forgiven them to this day and it has fundamentally affected how I feel about them.
NO ONE has the right to know better what and how you should live. NO ONE.
Just remember, your eyes are just that, YOURS!
You are viewing through YOUR perspective.
Offer some time to do ANYTHING they might like without being directive about WHAT needs to be done.
Before anyone misunderstands, my health isn't what it once was and periodically a neighbour asks if I can use half an hour of her time and she then comes in to help me a bit but at MY direction. It works. I don't feel hounded and she is happy to help.
Lucky me, I know, but its MY life and I'll dig my heels in if anyone tries to force me to do ANYTHING.
So if you've followed my ramblings, offer time but don't think you know better, it is counter productive.
Good luck.

Lily-Rose_3

Delree wrote: »

Your reply is such a tonic. Thank you because I was starting feel like a bad person.

I'm afraid we have no mutual friends and we live 2 hours apart. If there is an intervention it'll have to come directly from me.

Having said that I have met one friend of hers who lives even further away, I could contact her on Facebook, but to be honest I have no idea if they're still in contact with each other.

No. You're not a bad person. :j You sound like a good person.

There are always posts on here, from people that are less than positive about the original post (and the poster; ) no matter WHAT it's about, or WHAT they say! You can guarantee it. If you said you've found a cure for cancer, they'd accuse you of being an attention seeker. :rotfl:

That aside, I think you DO need to say something #awkward.

If it were me, and someone told me this, I would feel awkward and a bit offended, but at the end of the day, I would be thankful.

Could you say to her something simple, like 'I'm bored, would you like some help with the housework? I think the cats may have pooped.' And then laugh it off so she knows you're not being mean.

One woman my hubby works with smelt really bad of B.O. and had done for many months, and one woman took her aside the other week and told her, as everyone was badmouthing her. She was quite upset, and she said sorry, she didn't realise. She is 50 and lives alone with about 9 animals, and I think she had just let herself go. Funnily enough, she smelt fine the following week, and five weeks on she still no longer smells. It's a terrible thing to have to say to someone, but it has to be done, and I am sure she will (eventually) thank you!

If she does take offence, just be very apologetic, and say you were just worried about her, as she seems to be struggling. If she is STILL miffed and throws you out; well you have done all you can.

Delree

DUTR wrote: »

The 4 ways are indeed or can be dangerous, loose sockets are indeed dangerous but seperate from clutter.

I have older magazines than that :eek: , but for me they are hobby magazines from before I had internet, in fact some are from the mid 90s (nicely stored mind you) .

Some solutions are simple enough, 'have a home for the items' for years my bedrooms were very cluttered, clothes on the bed floor etc, although I had wardrobes and bedside cabinets, it was only one day I realised I didn't have a tallboy chest of drawers in there, a trip to ikea and £70 down, that cured the bedroom storage :cool:

I live on my own yet have 4 TV's in the house, only yesterday my brother asked if I know anyone that has a TV going for my Dad, so will be down to 3 TV's .

I will be parting with some clothes at the weigh in charity shop hopefully today.

Your friend may appreciate some help, the mental illness and sensationalisation of what could happen, need not be brought up.

The dangerous electrics are not seperate from the hoarding. It's all symptomatic of the neglect of the house she is giving. There are blown light bulbs that have not been replaced (a torch is used in the kitchen after dark). The banister on the stairs has come loose and no longer usable.

If I may say, it sounds like you're in a little bit of denial and making excuses for my friend to cover up your own problem.

Delree

Lily-Rose wrote: »

No. You're not a bad person. :j You sound like a good person.

There are always posts on here, from people that are less than positive about the original post (and the poster; ) no matter WHAT it's about, or WHAT they say! You can guarantee it. If you said you've found a cure for cancer, they'd accuse you of being an attention seeker. :rotfl:

That aside, I think you DO need to say something #awkward.

If it were me, and someone told me this, I would feel awkward and a bit offended, but at the end of the day, I would be thankful.

Could you say to her something simple, like 'I'm bored, would you like some help with the housework? I think the cats may have pooped.' And then laugh it off so she knows you're not being mean.

One woman my hubby works with smelt really bad of B.O. and had done for many months, and one woman took her aside the other week and told her, as everyone was badmouthing her. She was quite upset, and she said sorry, she didn't realise. She is 50 and lives alone with about 9 animals, and I think she had just let herself go. Funnily enough, she smelt fine the following week, and five weeks on she still no longer smells. It's a terrible thing to have to say to someone, but it has to be done, and I am sure she will (eventually) thank you!

If she does take offence, just be very apologetic, and say you were just worried about her, as she seems to be struggling. If she is STILL miffed and throws you out; well you have done all you can.

I think that's the way to go, be jovial about it and go round the houses a little bit.

It's not healthy to have that much junk, and despite what another poster has said, keeping 7 year old magazines is not right. They have no use and never get looked at. All they are, are kindling for when one her plug sockets starts sparking one night.