My friend is a hoarder

Delree

Last weekend I visited a friend for the first time and I was shocked at the state of her house.

The house is terribly cluttered and you can't move around it easily thanks to the masses of boxes and junk lying around everywhere.
She has five cats and the place smells to high heaven. I suspect the cats are defecating in hard to reach parts and their feaces are going undiscovered.

Aside from the obvious health risk there is a massive fire risk too, if that house goes up the blaze will be uncontrollable.

My question is, how do I broach this subject without offending her? Or should I not worry about that and risk our friendship for her greater good?

DUTR

It's her house not yours, I guess you could create light conversation about the masses of content in the house, but accept her answer, trying to change someone for your own achievement is where the downer is. She may say she needs help with sorting the stuff out or she may wish to keep them for sentimental value.

Delree

DUTR wrote: »

It's her house not yours, I guess you could create light conversation about the masses of content in the house, but accept her answer, trying to change someone for your own achievement is where the downer is. She may say she needs help with sorting the stuff out or she may wish to keep them for sentimental value.

It's nothing to do with me, I'm not considering this for my own benefit at all.

Hoarding is a mental illness and ignoring it doesn't help the sufferer. Just like someone who self harms, you wouldn't say "it's their body, let them cut it" would you?

DUTR

Delree wrote: »

It's nothing to do with me, I'm not considering this for my own benefit at all.

Hoarding is a mental illness and ignoring it doesn't help the sufferer. Just like someone who self harms, you wouldn't say "it's their body, let them cut it" would you?

I bet your friend's house is not as cluttered as mine, however having a clearout, reveals little rubbish, this isn't an attack on your post, that's why I say raise the topic in light conversation. I don't know your friend, but as a person who has a lot of clutter, I can understand why some people do keep a lot of possesions.
It's nothing to do with self harm , it's not just cluttered houses that go up in smoke, so that is a weak argument.

pmlindyloo

Some useful information on here:

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/hoarding/Pages/Introduction.aspx

Is your friend definitely hoarding? - see the definition at the beginning of the article.

How does she seem in herself?

Pollycat

Delree wrote: »

It's nothing to do with me, I'm not considering this for my own benefit at all.

Hoarding is a mental illness and ignoring it doesn't help the sufferer. Just like someone who self harms, you wouldn't say "it's their body, let them cut it" would you?

A bit of a snappy reply to good advice from DUTR, imho.
I was going to reply in the same vein.

If you're like this generally I don't really see how you can broach the subject without offending your friend.

You seem hell-bent in changing this person and getting rid of all her stuff.

Your analogy about self-harming is not the same thing at all.
How would you stop someone self harming? Handcuff them to a chair?

Delree

pmlindyloo wrote: »

Some useful information on here:

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/hoarding/Pages/Introduction.aspx

Is your friend definitely hoarding? - see the definition at the beginning of the article.

How does she seem in herself?

The definitions fit, that's a good link thank you.

Delree

Pollycat wrote: »

A bit of a snappy reply to good advice from DUTR, imho.
I was going to reply in the same vein.

If you're like this generally I don't really see how you can broach the subject without offending your friend.

You seem hell-bent in changing this person and getting rid of all her stuff.

Your analogy about self-harming is not the same thing at all.
How would you stop someone self harming? Handcuff them to a chair?

Hang on, I'm not hell bent on getting rid of her stuff. I'm worried about her stuff but I know it's her clutter and not mine.

Should I not want to help someone who's obviously suffering from pernicious mental illness?

And no, you don't help a self harmer by handcuffing them to a chair, you help them instead by offering support. Same with hoarders.

DUTR

Pollycat wrote: »

A bit of a snappy reply to good advice from DUTR, imho.
I was going to reply in the same vein.

If you're like this generally I don't really see how you can broach the subject without offending your friend.

You seem hell-bent in changing this person and getting rid of all her stuff.

Your analogy about self-harming is not the same thing at all.
How would you stop someone self harming? Handcuff them to a chair?

I just had a look at 'hoarding is a mental illness' one of the points
6. Many hoarders are perfectionists. They fear making the wrong decision about what to keep and what to throw out, so they keep everything.

Which is why I mentioned the friend may or may not take heed of some help, we all hoard in one way or another, just some more to a degree than others.
It takes a long time to de-clutter but one's home is not always the home of another, the kitchen and bathroom are clear.
Having a TV in the same area as eating or sleeping could be classed as clutter or hoarding.

Buzzybee90

I think the fact she allowed you into her home is a good starting point. Often hoarders don't let others see their hoard.

I think you need to drop subtle hits and allow her to bring the subject up herself, she must know it's not a good situation. Once you've hopefully got that trust established you can look into some more practical tips.

Delree

DUTR wrote: »

I just had a look at 'hoarding is a mental illness' one of the points
6. Many hoarders are perfectionists. They fear making the wrong decision about what to keep and what to throw out, so they keep everything.

Which is why I mentioned the friend may or may not take heed of some help, we all hoard in one way or another, just some more to a degree than others.
It takes a long time to de-clutter but one's home is not always the home of another, the kitchen and bathroom are clear.
Having a TV in the same area as eating or sleeping could be classed as clutter or hoarding.

That's very true, we all keep things we shouldn't and sometimes find it tough to let go.

But it's when that becomes a problem, rooms are no longer usable, not being able to sleep on beds, piles of magazines dating back to 2007 and not being to shut doors.

This is a terraced house and it is a major fire risk as the electrics are overloaded, four ways everywhere and plug sockets loose from their fittings.

I am uneasy at raising this subject with her as it's not really my business but then again maybe it is.

By the way sorry if my initial reply was snarky, I didn't mean it.