My friend is a hoarder

theoretica

lincroft1710 wrote: »

Don't come to my house!!

I have magazines which are 60 years old!

My oldest are about 150 years old, which pales beside my dad's 1770s ones... and neither of us read them very often!

Peter333

So, what do the people who think that the OP should do about her friend then? Apparently saying something to her will potentially send her into a downwards spiral of hoarding, and is generally a horrible thing to do. But surely if she leaves her, she could get into a real state.

So as several of the posters think she is a rude and smug and pretty awful person for suggesting she says something, what do you all suggest she does?

I am genuinely curious.

Mojisola

Ames wrote: »

I couldn't start making inroads until I figured out why I hoarded, why I had so much of various things (for instance, I had dozens of bags of clothes, most of which I hadn't worn more than once. The reason for it was I was constantly trying to 'reinvent' myself into someone people would like. Until I realised that, and worked out what clothes I actually like and suit me, there was no point getting rid because the cycle would just continue).

For me, the actual stuff was largely irrelevent, it was about creating a physical barrier to keep me safe from anyone who might want to come in the flat.

So, dealing with the stuff comes last. It's figuring out the psychological issues that comes first.

Peter333 wrote: »

So, what do the people who think that the OP should do about her friend then? Apparently saying something to her will potentially send her into a downwards spiral of hoarding, and is generally a horrible thing to do. But surely if she leaves her, she could get into a real state.

This is the point I made - the clutter is a symptom of a problem. If the OP can help her friend with the problem, the clutter will go in time.

Peter333

Mojisola wrote: »

This is the point I made - the clutter is a symptom of a problem. If the OP can help her friend with the problem, the clutter will go in time.

Well exactly. To suggest that the OP is a horrid smug little madam because she wants to help her friend (who quite clearly has issues) is just not very nice to be honest.

j.e.j.

I just wanted to say well done Ames :beer: and thanks for sharing.

I had an inkling the cause of hoarder disorder was an emotional need to cling on to things, to be surrounded by items, regardless of whether the items were of any use to the person.

The programmes on tv with that Greek guy (can't remember his name) were insightful. There may be many people up and down the land who live like this and would love to find a way out.


It's not clear from the OP's post whether the friend actually has this disorder or whether she's just a (to quote Kim & Aggie) 'filthy beggar'. Not everyone who lives in dirt is a hoarder, though it beats me how someone can choose to live like that. Maybe the house gets so dirty they just don't know where to start when it comes to cleaning it!

Mojisola

Peter333 wrote: »

Well exactly. To suggest that the OP is a horrid smug little madam because she wants to help her friend (who quite clearly has issues) is just not very nice to be honest.

There's often a problem with posts because we can't hear the tone of voice or see the body language of the person posting. Also, if a reader has a sensitive issue, a post can be interpreted in a way the poster never intended.

I'd rather have a friend who was concerned enough to offer help even if it was misguided than someone who let me sink deeper into trouble.

Pollycat

Peter333 wrote: »

So, what do the people who think that the OP should do about her friend then? Apparently saying something to her will potentially send her into a downwards spiral of hoarding, and is generally a horrible thing to do. But surely if she leaves her, she could get into a real state.

So as several of the posters think she is a rude and smug and pretty awful person for suggesting she says something, what do you all suggest she does?

I am genuinely curious.

Peter333 wrote: »

Well exactly. To suggest that the OP is a horrid smug little madam because she wants to help her friend (who quite clearly has issues) is just not very nice to be honest.

I personally haven't called the OP 'rude', 'horrid', 'smug', a little madam' or 'an awful person'.

I did however say I thought her reply to DUTR was a bit snappy - and I stand by that.

On top of that, she had a further go at DUTR which - imho only - was totally uncalled for.

As for the advice I would give, I would concentrate less on the clutter and try to focus the friend on acknowledging the very real dangers of overloading plug sockets, not replacing light bulbs and fixing a loose bannister.

Maybe as part of that, the OP could offer to help clear some of the clutter so the electrics could be checked etc.

But as Ames's heart-wrenchingly frank post (#49) proves, it's not just as simple as helping somebody 'get rid of rubbish'.

Maybe after reading post #49, you'd like to explain how you would deal with a friend who is a hoarder.

I am genuinely curious.

SavingPennies_2

Mojisola wrote: »

I have some things because of related memories and/or their sentimental value which wouldn't fit in either category but I'm not chucking those out.

Ah I do keep sentimental things, but I am selective about what is sentimental...I think they can be classed in the category "beautiful"

Person_one

Peter333 wrote: »

Well exactly. To suggest that the OP is a horrid smug little madam because she wants to help her friend (who quite clearly has issues) is just not very nice to be honest.

If you're referring to Ames, I think she was very clear that she was telling the OP how her concerns would sound to her as a hoarder, no matter how well intentioned. She's not calling the OP smug, she's saying that the words she's considering using may well come across that way to someone in the grip of this problem.

I applaud Ames for her honesty and openness on this topic, it can't be an easy thing to talk about and the perspective of someone who has been in those shoes is invaluable.

Pollycat

Person_one wrote: »

If you're referring to Ames, I think she was very clear that she was telling the OP how her concerns would sound to her as a hoarder, no matter how well intentioned. She's not calling the OP smug, she's saying that the words she's considering using may well come across that way to someone in the grip of this problem.

I applaud Ames for her honesty and openness on this topic, it can't be an easy thing to talk about and the perspective of someone who has been in those shoes is invaluable.

Me too. :T

To me, it is akin to standing up at a AA meeting and admitting you're an alcoholic.
It's certainly opened my eyes to read what is behind this.

I hope the OP takes note of what Ames has posted when/if she decides to tackle the issue of her friend's hoarding habit.