Paying Board.

Homeownertobe

babyemily wrote: »

How judgemental & hurtful your comments are. I am actually trying to do right by everyone here. I asked for advice on what is the right thing to do.

I worked for many many years, I know exactly what expenses are incurred. I gave up work 2 years ago for my family.

There are plenty of job opportunities for them regardless of where we live. By getting a fab education in a great school, They got the grades to go to College. It gave them a chance to be someone.

My husband is a really good man and a really good dad but he works long, hard hours. He is a great parent.

I have 3 children, 2 indeed have special needs, but that is not an excuse to not grow up unless you are like my youngest who cant

I'm very sorry if you think I was judgemental. I just read a post of yours saying two of your children would need special care from social services if anything should happen to you and your husband so I was confused as to how two of them are working.

I think there's a lot more to this story and some of your answers don't really make sense to what you've said before so I'm going to wish you good luck and bow out.:)

Homeownertobe

19lottie82 wrote: »

The OP has stated that she spends a lot of the time caring for her disabled child.

The OP has said a lot of things - one of them being that she was working full-time up until two years ago, during which time she had two children with special needs to look after. Though now one of them is working full-time apparently.

Indie_Kid

Homeownertobe wrote: »

I'm very sorry if you think I was judgemental. I just read a post of yours saying two of your children would need special care from social services if anything should happen to you and your husband so I was confused as to how two of them are working.

I think there's a lot more to this story and some of your answers don't really make sense to what you've said before so I'm going to wish you good luck and bow out.:)

The OP did, however, mention at lesat 3 children in her first post.

BigAunty

The main wage earner (depending on pension contributions) will take home after tax around £250 a week - they've offered you a sum for their housekeeping that is 10% of that and won't even cover their food.

Your two children net nearly £400 a week between them and you don't see a penny of it?

I can understand it if you don't want to take anything or much off the one that is still in college (as long as they understand that what you apply to the eldest in full time work will then apply to them when they enter FT employment).

You should show them on Rightmove and the Gumtree how much they would have to pay for a single room in a shared house in the area - the actual market rates, to open their eyes to the real cost of living.

You could download and complete the MSE budget planner to show them how much is spent on basic bills - energy, insurance, telecoms, broadband, tv, food, water, council tax (mortgage/rent).

Stop babying them by having the mobile phone bill in their names - end the contracts, make them get their own out as they have abused this position by not paying towards their costs.

Mojisola

babyemily wrote: »

I have supported them through everything. I gave up everything to move to the middle of nowhere to get them into a good school.

I fought so hard to get my eldest help in school and I pay for everything for them for College.

I provide them with everything from underwear to coats and I would do anything for them but theres a big part of me thinking I am being taken for a ride and I dont want them like that.

Of course they are kicking off at the idea of contributing - you've taught them that whatever they want, they will get and that your needs and wants come second to theirs.

It isn't good for children to teach them that the world revolves around them - you're going to need to introduce some tough love measures and will have a rough ride coming.

BigAunty

babyemily wrote: »

2gorgeousgirls I cant cut it off as a certain madam phoned up pretending to be me and upgraded her phone 2 months ago to a more expensive plan. As its a 2 year contract I am stuck with it.

Wow, you tolerated fraud from your daughter?!

I can see why you may not have wanted to report her to the police but I can't understand why you rewarded this behaviour by letting her access the handset from that point.

You may be lumbered with the contract but it doesn't mean that you need to indulge them. Take the handsets off them - they are yours. Tell them that you've reported to the provider that someone impersonated you and they have extra fraud measures in place.

Unfortunately I suspect your DD will simply report it is lost and order a new one at your expense.

BigAunty

babyemily wrote: »

Thank you...I feel its only fair to add that they dont pay for anything. I buy all their clothes, tampons, razors, deodorant etc...They refuse to buy them and if they dont have their own, they just use mine.

Put a lock on your door!

itzmee

babyemily wrote: »

I grew up with nothing we were very poor. I overcompensate with my own I think because of this but I do want them to do well and become someone they are proud to be

My eldest ds (18) is doing A levels and has a p/t job earning around £100/wk. He pays for his own driving lessons, clothes, phone bill and expensive toiletries. I give him money for lunch each week and occasionally treat him but other than that he pays for everything himself. I don't ask for board as I get child benefit for him, but if that stopped and he started work then he knows he has to pay board, and it will be a realistic, not token, amount.


I also grew up poor, but don't feel that I need to over-compensate for my kids. If anything I feel that if I didn't have it when I was young, then it's not going to hurt them to go without! If they want something then they can save up. I did however agree to fund an apple mac for ds, and paid cash upfront for it as I refused to put it on credit after he was turned down when he applied for it. He is paying me back £70 a month which will be paid off in 10 months as he got staff discount and £100 cashback. I am planning to let him off the last couple of payments, in fact I will probably give him the whole amount back when he goes to uni, but I won't be telling him that just yet, as paying his way instils good ethics into him!

FBaby

I have supported them through everything. I gave up everything to move to the middle of nowhere to get them into a good school. I fought so hard to get my eldest help in school and I pay for everything for them for College. Eldest left this year. All stationary, trips, media extras etc... I provide them with everything from underwear to coats and I would do anything for them but theres a big part of me thinking I am being taken for a ride and I dont want them like that. I do feel there needs to be a balance.

So really you have spoilt them all their lives. They never had to do anything, you put them at the centre of your world, you never expected anything from them...and now you seem outraged that they are acting like...spoilt brats.

What do you expect? They don't know any different, they are acting like the adults you raised them to become. You can't spoil them for many years after which they naturally start taking it all for granted, and suddenly decide to change the rules and expect them to accept them with open arms.

You are right that it is time to change things, but give them a chance to adjust to that change. It's not because they suddenly add a year to their age, or suddenly become a worker that their attitude to life is going to change dramatically.

You need to discuss things with them, explain your reasoning behind taking a step back in spoiling them and make compromises. Alternatively, take the drastic step and kick them out so they learn to appreciate all you've done for them so far.

babyemily

Gosh....Let me try to clarify my situation. I have 3 children. 2 have special needs. My youngest cannot ever be left alone. My eldest has been lucky enough to get a job training for a huge multi national financial Institution. They seen the astounding intelligence there but will also support all other needs. As do I. I organise everything. I make sure that showers are taken, hair is clean, teeth are brushed, breakfast is eaten and lunch is put in bag. Unfortunately the obsessive side is to party, usually alone which is obviously a great risk so to minimise this, they "buy" friends.

Yes I have spoilt them, I am not denying that but I am not outraged I am just trying to balance everything out. I am trying to make it right.

I did work but it wasn't viable due to our family situation. In fact life was much worse when I went to work but I assure you I work 10 times harder now.

I have no idea why this is important but seeing as it is then I hope that explains everything, any other questions - ask and I will answer.

Like I said they are not horrible, I love them to the ends of the earth and they have lots of amazing qualities but its now time to prepare them for the real world. I asked what is fair and right. I believe this has & hasnt been answered as what is right for one is completely wrong for the other.

Thank you for all your comments.