Paying Board.

Indie_Kid

If you're struggling with money, (you mentioned something about having to borrow money) then it's only fair that they pay you board.

Homeownertobe

babyemily wrote: »

I have supported them through everything. I gave up everything to move to the middle of nowhere to get them into a good school.

But that comes with the downside of fewer jobs, surely?

babyemily wrote: »

I fought so hard to get my eldest help in school and I pay for everything for them for College. Eldest left this year. All stationary, trips, media extras etc...

Travel to college is pretty crucial.

babyemily wrote: »

I provide them with everything from underwear to coats and I would do anything for them but theres a big part of me thinking I am being taken for a ride and I dont want them like that. I do feel there needs to be a balance.

Why? For your eldest - stop. He can afford his own.

babyemily wrote: »

My husband gets very cross about it so leaves it to me to deal with as I said I dislike confrontation intensely.

Are they his children? Forgive my question but he doesn't seem to want to do much parenting.

babyemily wrote: »

The bus fare to work is £24 a week, that is the only outlay.

I guarantee you, it's not. But if you don't work then you wouldn't know. What kind of work does he do? Is a professional job or something like retail?

babyemily wrote: »

The driving lessons are £18 a week. There is no saving for a house at all. The eldest wants to party constantly. The middle one spends it all on her boyfriend.

I'm confused, I thought you had two children with special needs who needed looking after? Do you have four children?

babyemily wrote: »

I am a good mum, but I am not so good at this. I grew up with nothing we were very poor. I overcompensate with my own I think because of this but I do want them to do well and become someone they are proud to be

I don't think you're not a good mum, but I don't think you should charge your children board when they're in education. But with this new information, I don't think you should be buying your eldest's underwear and clothes either. Time for him to grow up. And if he's not saving for a house then charge him whatever he costs you.

Homeownertobe

Indie_Kid wrote: »

If you're struggling with money, (you mentioned something about having to borrow money) then it's only fair that they pay you board.

Or the OP could get a job? Just a thought.

lee111s

I paid board when I was living at home. I paid £200 when I was earning ~£1500 a month but I was also saving £700 per month and running a car.

To all these people saying 1/3 of the wage. You're greedy. Whilst I understand that houses don't run on air, asking 1 child to pay £300 is not fair. If they all start earning that money in a couple of years you think it's fair to be taking in almost £1000 from your kids? That would cover all of my household bills except for food - how can you justify taking all that money?

A lot of bills will exist whether they're there or not, heating, telephone, internet, TV, council tax, insurance to name a few.

If the child got a great job and was earning 30k by 20, is it really fair to be taking £600 a month from them? I certainly don't. How are they meant to save for a deposit for a place of their own? I think it's down right greed to expect your kids to pay 30% of their income.

Touting how much you could get on the rental market for that room is pathetic too. It's not the same having a lodger as having your own offspring living in your home.

19lottie82

Homeownertobe wrote: »

Or the OP could get a job? Just a thought.

The OP has stated that she spends a lot of the time caring for her disabled child.

babyemily

Homeownertobe wrote: »

But that comes with the downside of fewer jobs, surely?



Travel to college is pretty crucial.



Why? For your eldest - stop. He can afford his own.



Are they his children? Forgive my question but he doesn't seem to want to do much parenting.



I guarantee you, it's not. But if you don't work then you wouldn't know. What kind of work does he do? Is a professional job or something like retail?



I'm confused, I thought you had two children with special needs who needed looking after? Do you have four children?



I don't think you're not a good mum, but I don't think you should charge your children board when they're in education. But with this new information, I don't think you should be buying your eldest's underwear and clothes either. Time for him to grow up. And if he's not saving for a house then charge him whatever he costs you.

How judgemental & hurtful your comments are. I am actually trying to do right by everyone here. I asked for advice on what is the right thing to do.

I worked for many many years, I know exactly what expenses are incurred. I gave up work 2 years ago for my family.

There are plenty of job opportunities for them regardless of where we live. By getting a fab education in a great school, They got the grades to go to College. It gave them a chance to be someone.

My husband is a really good man and a really good dad but he works long, hard hours. He is a great parent.

I have 3 children, 2 indeed have special needs, but that is not an excuse to not grow up unless you are like my youngest who cant

kjmtidea

I remember reading on here that some people do the third rule - a third to parents for rent, a third in savings and a third for them to keep and spend on whatever they want. This is what I will be doing when my children are older and have jobs, I have already mentioned it to them a few times so hopefully there will be no problems when we get to that point!

19lottie82

lee111s wrote: »

asking 1 child to pay £300 is not fair.

I 100% disagree.

How much do you think it would cost them to move out (rent and bills), pay for all their own food, packed lunches, toiletries and all the other added extras that their mother is currently providing? More than double that I would think, and no one is suggesting that she charges them that.

If it came to the point that all children were working, I would still charge them £300 each, and put £100 each in a savings account for them without them knowing about it.

You say you were saving £700 a month, good for you. I take it this was for a house deposit and your parents understood this so cut you some slack? The OP has stated that her eldest spends all of her cash on partying.

millysg1

OP I think you need to start treating your eldest like an adult and let them learn about priorities of money and the price of things. Soon they will leave home and they need to know how much clothing, toiletries cost before they do this. Paying for everything for an adult isn't helping them. You need to step back a little from the mothering. I don't believe this makes you a bad parent. I really think this is what your child needs.

Your doing what my MIL did to my OH and it certainly didn't help my OH! I had to teach him at 21, after he had moved out, how to change bed sheets, clean clothes, cook, do a food shop (i.e. comparing prices, buying supermarket brands) etc etc. This should be taught by his parents but as they thought doing everything for him was best and it meant he could concentrate on school (which he didn't) then it was best for him. He always says now he wish they gave him less and stood up to him when he was younger so he could have learnt much before moving out.

sulphate

I think the one in full time work should be strongly advised by the OP and her husband to start saving, if she hasn't already. If she is spending close to £1000 on herself and not saving anything, and this continues, she is never going to save enough for a deposit to rent a flat let alone to buy. Presumably OP and her husband don't want their kids living there until they are 40 without making some plans to move out so I think this needs looking at.

When I was in college and working part time my mum told me to get an ISA and set up a standing order, I saved about £75 a month and after 18 months I had enough to buy my first car. I was 17-18 at the time, to be honest if my parents hadn't pointed out the benefits of it at the time, I'm not sure I would have even considered saving because it wasn't something I thought about automatically.