Elderly relative

Hopalong1

RAS wrote: »

OP

A couple of suggestions - "carers" sound like a loss of independence. Would he accept a cleaner twice a week or more to do the washing up, cleaning, bed changing, laundry etc?

Also he might find it easier to accept carers on other days if SS etc make it plain that having them for the first few weeks is a condition of going home? That way you and he can work out to what extent he can support himself and what helps he needs?

The other thing to look at is some sort of outing independent of yourselves? Lunch club, even a taxi to the local pub or club that does lunch, once a week?

And think about home delivery of shopping.

Hello RAS


Thank you for those suggestions. I do like your thinking - cleaner sounds better than carer.


The only snag is his eccentricity - he is a loner, self-sufficient, and takes pride in being capable of looking after himself. Which is great in one sense, he has kept going this long.


He hasn't let anyone in his home, not even us, as he had let his home get into such a bad state.


I hope he might be more agreeable to this now if we get it deep cleaned (yes, it is that bad) and then have a cleaner pop in for him.


He is objecting to any sort of 'help' at the moment, even having meals delivered when he's home, so I am feeling kind of upset at the moment about that.


Really fear that he will revert back to his old habit of shutting himself away, and worried that he will simply deteriorate again.... : (


Got to keep trying....

Errata

A suggestion: write out a letter as if it came from your relative, which he agrees with and will sign, which instructs the FA to liquidate 50% of the shares and transfer the money to the current account. The reason I suggest this is that it seems the relative is content for you to act as his "PA" and comfy with simply signing things off.
That will at least give you an immediate view of the value of the total shareholding; info which he/you WILL need for the SS financial assessment.
Before POA came through I acted as my stepfather's PA doing stuff like the above, but that was because he was a lazy so and so, not through lack of any capacity.

Mojisola

Errata wrote: »

A suggestion: write out a letter as if it came from your relative, which he agrees with and will sign, which instructs the FA to liquidate 50% of the shares and transfer the money to the current account.

I would first ask for the FA to provide you with a list of all his investments.

Hopalong1

Errata wrote: »

A suggestion: write out a letter as if it came from your relative, which he agrees with and will sign, which instructs the FA to liquidate 50% of the shares and transfer the money to the current account. The reason I suggest this is that it seems the relative is content for you to act as his "PA" and comfy with simply signing things off.
That will at least give you an immediate view of the value of the total shareholding; info which he/you WILL need for the SS financial assessment.
Before POA came through I acted as my stepfather's PA doing stuff like the above, but that was because he was a lazy so and so, not through lack of any capacity.

Hello Errata


Hmm, I think I would talk it through as to why it's sensible with our relative, show him the letter, and post it off....

Hopalong1

Mojisola wrote: »

I would first ask for the FA to provide you with a list of all his investments.

Hello Mojisola


That is a good idea - even our relative doesn't seem to know what he has and unfortunately, as we have realised, he's given all his own copies of paperwork to the FA.


We've said it's bit silly, he really should keep it, but he doesn't like dealing with paperwork, and it quite happy for us to sort it out on his behalf.


I think he would rather stick things in drawers than deal with them. He glazes over even when I am talking through the bills we've paid for him...

Errata

Hopalong1 wrote: »

Hello Errata


Hmm, I think I would talk it through as to why it's sensible with our relative, show him the letter, and post it off....

Make sure he signs it! As part of the explanation you could point out to him that because of the referendum (which I hope he's followed) share prices have and are all over the place; he needs to know what's happened to his - he may be better off than he believes he is.

Hopalong1

Hello all


Just an update, not feeling great myself at the moment, probably too many sleepless nights catching up on me....


Our relative is now wanting to get home even more, talking about leaving his bathroom as it is.


I was actually assertive, and said that the occupation therapist has deemed it a health and safety issue (which is true, those were her words). He has no functioning taps in sink, sink and drain we now discover are blocked, toilet cistern wasn't working, black mould in cistern, brown limescale in toilet bowl as had no water in it, poor attempt to repair handle, and only hot water tap on bath worked (and that was very stiff and drips).


Two issues are that he shouldn't be climbing into a bath unaided with his poor mobility, and no cold water means he could accidentally scald himself.


Told him in no uncertain terms (had to be bossy) that OT and SS would not 'sign off' his home as safe to return to in that state, especially as he was insisting he didn't want carers.


Even though his health is getting visibly better each day and he has put on half a stone (having lost one and a half stone in hospital), he is still anxious to leave the residential home...


Thankfully he has accepted this.... : ( Hard work...

Better_Days

Goodness OP, what a difficult situation.

My late Dad didn't want to any help in his flat and refused any modernisations (eg central heating), and didn't replace the hoover when it broke, as in his view it was a waste of money. But as has been said above people are entitled to make unwise decisions.

I think as has been suggested, a cleaner is a very good idea. If you went through a franchise (eg Time for You) you could explain the situation and ask who they had on their books who would be suitable. And it would be easy to request another cleaner with minimum fuss if the first one wasn't working out. Probably best if you meet any potential cleaner first.

Also it may help if you explain that you need to get the finances sorted, so the repairs can be done asap, so your relative can go back home, as he clearly wants to. Money has to be spent if he wishes to retain his independence. It is his choice.

Could you arrange to have a supermarket delivery every week when he gets back home so you know he is getting a regular supply of food?

Well done for being assertive, it was clearly needed in the situation you describe. I do hope that you can get through this with repairs done and relative back home without too much further stress on your part.

Perhaps you could write out a plan of what needs to be done, estimated costs and timescales so that you are managing the expectations of your relative. If it is going to take x number of weeks to sort out the repairs - even if done urgently, then he wont be in limbo, and may wait more patiently. GL

Hopalong1

Better_Days wrote: »

Goodness OP, what a difficult situation.

My late Dad didn't want to any help in his flat and refused any modernisations (eg central heating), and didn't replace the hoover when it broke, as in his view it was a waste of money. But as has been said above people are entitled to make unwise decisions.

I think as has been suggested, a cleaner is a very good idea. If you went through a franchise (eg Time for You) you could explain the situation and ask who they had on their books who would be suitable. And it would be easy to request another cleaner with minimum fuss if the first one wasn't working out. Probably best if you meet any potential cleaner first.

Also it may help if you explain that you need to get the finances sorted, so the repairs can be done asap, so your relative can go back home, as he clearly wants to. Money has to be spent if he wishes to retain his independence. It is his choice.

Could you arrange to have a supermarket delivery every week when he gets back home so you know he is getting a regular supply of food?

Well done for being assertive, it was clearly needed in the situation you describe. I do hope that you can get through this with repairs done and relative back home without too much further stress on your part.

Perhaps you could write out a plan of what needs to be done, estimated costs and timescales so that you are managing the expectations of your relative. If it is going to take x number of weeks to sort out the repairs - even if done urgently, then he wont be in limbo, and may wait more patiently. GL

Hello BetterDays


Thanks, we feel we are fighting him all the way to get his home safe, and he has too much time to think and change his mind...


I've suggested a cleaner, grocery delivery, us picking up groceries when we shop, or taking him there to pick his own stuff up with us driving him there and back, or a sturdy shopping trolley, and it's no, no, no, no and hell no, he doesn't need any help apparently.


Trying not to tear our hair out...


I think the simplest thing is do our shopping, and casually pop over and say, 'Oh, while we were there we picked a few of your favourite's up', lie and say they were on offer, etc. And 'casually' wash up, do a few things, so at least we would know he had food, and wasn't reverting too much to the house of horror it is now.


We were going to clean it ourselves before seeing how bad it was, I am taking horror film style cobwebs covered in dust (shudders), mould, peeling wallpaper, and have tried to get a cleaning company to deep clean it. Two employees came in, had a look, said it was the worse house they had ever seen, never heard from them again!


This is why we were hoping he would like the residential home as it is a palace in comparison.


Just hoping when the major improvements are done, someone could be persuaded to tackle it. I get the heebi jeebi's with cobwebs and spiders unfortunately, and witht he size of them, I am expecting tarantula's


We are telling him every time we see him when jobs are lined up, taking photo's when each small thing is done to show him, etc but he is still agitated. I think he is afraid we will leave him there, despite the fact he is looking the best we've seen him for years, he believes a residential home is one step from death...

Errata

You may find if it's as bad as you describe it is that workmen won't want to go in it either.
Many local councils have a deep cleaning service, which you'll have to pay for, but it's unlikely they'd turn the job down.