Elderly relative

Hopalong1

Mojisola wrote: »

There's no reason why he can't do both - have most of the shopping delivered and then walk down to the shop so he has his chance to socialise a bit and only needs to buy a couple of small items.

If the walk itself is too much then would he consider a mobility scooter?

Hello Mojisola


He keeps resisting the idea of anyone helping him, even shop deliveries!


I have suggested a scooter, but his excuse is a) it's for old people and b) it's expensive.


His favourite word is no.... : (


He argues he is fully capable of looking after himself. Yeah. That's why you fell over carrying only 2 bags of shopping and broke your hip in the first place..... : (


I dread him making the attempt to shop and ending up back where he started in A & E, but, perhaps I am being pessimistic.


It's because he has dizzy spells (poor circulation, heart by-pass, failing heart valve) that he is unsteady on his feet, yet, insisted he was fine. That's why he fell over. Now he has been told he will limp as one leg is shorter than the other with his hip replacement.


So, limping man with dodgy heart and dizzy spells and stubborn independence = disaster waiting to happen.


We have had to fight him every step of the way with the social services and occupational therapist just to get him to agree to have his home at a minimum standard i.e. double glazed, gch, and wetroom.


I really fear that with him admitting he wasn't taking his statins regularly before admittance to A & E, plus all the other complications, he will just go down hill, and all the time and effort that everyone, us and professionals, have given him won't count for anything.


Deep breath.


Trying to calm down and not worry.....

Mojisola

Hopalong1 wrote: »

He keeps resisting the idea of anyone helping him, even shop deliveries!

So, limping man with dodgy heart and dizzy spells and stubborn independence = disaster waiting to happen.

We have had to fight him every step of the way with the social services and occupational therapist just to get him to agree to have his home at a minimum standard i.e. double glazed, gch, and wetroom.

Trying to calm down and not worry.....

It's very frustrating - it can be much harder looking after parents/elderly relatives than it is children because, with kids, you can make the rules - "it is going to happen this way because I can see it's for the best".

Some oldies have very unrealistic ideas about what they are capable of and very resistant to accepting help.

I can see how easy it is to get like that - no-one likes admitting they can't cope - and we've given our children permission to remind us how frustrated we got at times, trying to help our parents, and to tell us "and now you're being like that!"

margaretclare

Don't worry too much about the statins. There's a lot said for and against these. IMHO the jury is still out. DH takes them, I don't.

If the FA has anything about him he'll have heard of S&S ISAs and may see the sense of what I suggested.

Many years ago my late MIL was left some shares by her parents, the idea being to provide an income for her long-term. Unfortunately, over time these shares were bought up in one of those financial scandals of the 1970s and basically, ended up being not worth the paper they were written on. No good just leaving shares thinking they'll always increase in value. As even Tesco shows, they're not guaranteed!

Hopalong1

Mojisola wrote: »

It's very frustrating - it can be much harder looking after parents/elderly relatives than it is children because, with kids, you can make the rules - "it is going to happen this way because I can see it's for the best".

Some oldies have very unrealistic ideas about what they are capable of and very resistant to accepting help.

I can see how easy it is to get like that - no-one likes admitting they can't cope - and we've given our children permission to remind us how frustrated we got at times, trying to help our parents, and to tell us "and now you're being like that!"

Hello Mojisola


It is frustrating, we can all see he hasn't been coping, but he's old school 'I'm fine, and I will soldier on' type.


I really feel sympathy for him as I wouldn't like to admit if I was no longer coping; and I admire his stubbornness in a way. So I am having to try not to think of that, and see what practical help he will accept (very little).


Perhaps when he's home, not being looked after, fed hot meals and drinks all day, having laundry done, and having to cook, etc. himself he might realise he was a bit hasty. I can only hope.

Hopalong1

margaretclare wrote: »

Don't worry too much about the statins. There's a lot said for and against these. IMHO the jury is still out. DH takes them, I don't.

If the FA has anything about him he'll have heard of S&S ISAs and may see the sense of what I suggested.

Many years ago my late MIL was left some shares by her parents, the idea being to provide an income for her long-term. Unfortunately, over time these shares were bought up in one of those financial scandals of the 1970s and basically, ended up being not worth the paper they were written on. No good just leaving shares thinking they'll always increase in value. As even Tesco shows, they're not guaranteed!

Hello margaretclare


Sounds sensible to me. Given our economy does seem fragile, it seems risky to have all his eggs in one basket....

Hopalong1

MrsDanvers wrote: »

I have worked in finance for years and the minute I read this very loud alarm bells started ringing. Effectively your relative has no idea of what the IFA is doing and no control over it; no idea what the money is invested in, if the money is invested at all, and no idea what fees might be being creamed off. The IFA might be as honest as the day is long, and then again s/he might not.

I'd ask for a list of holdings and up to date statements as a matter of urgency.

Hello Mrs Danvers


This is what has been alarming us... However, as his health and unsafe home environment was a priority, we have kind of been crossing our fingers and putting off dealing with this.


Just to give an idea:


Arranging quote visits from various trades
Hospital visits - 2 different ones, one some distance away
Liasing with social services and occupational help
Researching what help is available e.g. Age UK
Trying to vet the various trades
Supervise current work in progress
Visiting our relative, checking on his health worries (chest infection, breathlessness, weight loss, as well as trying to heal from hip operation)
Trying to keep him advised as to current finances in his bank
Organising POA with solicitor, after his assessment for mental capacity
Photographing works to show him when visiting and other things!


For instance, now he has new windows, one has been made a lot smaller (it was a vast picture window, 60's style, which he wanted like ours, bricked up to waist height), so he needs new net curtains to fit. As he used hooks screwed into his old wood windows with canes, for these, we have to now get curtain rods for these, plus wash nets which were fairly new. However his curtains have rotted, with a crust of dust and cobwebs you wouldn't believe, I accidentally put my finger through one, yeuk, so now he needs new curtains too which we have just measured for... I could go on.......!

Hopalong1

MrsDanvers wrote: »

Hi Hopalong, you are doing a sterling job and I'm full of admiration for you.

Tell the IFA that it's needed for relative's financial assessment and let them get on with it, giving them a reasonable amount of time - say two weeks. They should have the latest statements, at least with those you can see where the money is and how much of it.

Hello Mrs Danvers


I know you are right, must get my finger out and contact him, just so much else going on at the moment.... : (


I think I am dreading finding out to be honest, in case it does turn out that our relative's trust has been abused, it would devastate him as he believes FA is his friend, e.g. giving him lifts, buying him mobile phone, etc.


I have to face it, scared it will set our relative back, if it's anything bad, and seriously considering not telling him if it is... If it comes to it, he has just enough in current account to do his double glazing, gch and bathroom, and if that's all he has left we would help him out with curtains, carpets, whatever else we could...


Keeping fingers crossed it won't come to that though.

Slinky

One thought that has occurred to me is when your relative is resisting spending money as he wants to leave it to you, try and convince him he is not wasting it by spending it but is making a better investment in improving his home which will have the added benefit of making his life easier and making his home more valuable.

margaretclare

Hopalong1 wrote: »

Hello Mojisola


He keeps resisting the idea of anyone helping him, even shop deliveries!


I have suggested a scooter, but his excuse is a) it's for old people and b) it's expensive.


His favourite word is no.... : (


He argues he is fully capable of looking after himself. Yeah. That's why you fell over carrying only 2 bags of shopping and broke your hip in the first place..... : (


I dread him making the attempt to shop and ending up back where he started in A & E, but, perhaps I am being pessimistic.


It's because he has dizzy spells (poor circulation, heart by-pass, failing heart valve) that he is unsteady on his feet, yet, insisted he was fine. That's why he fell over. Now he has been told he will limp as one leg is shorter than the other with his hip replacement.


So, limping man with dodgy heart and dizzy spells and stubborn independence = disaster waiting to happen.


We have had to fight him every step of the way with the social services and occupational therapist just to get him to agree to have his home at a minimum standard i.e. double glazed, gch, and wetroom.


I really fear that with him admitting he wasn't taking his statins regularly before admittance to A & E, plus all the other complications, he will just go down hill, and all the time and effort that everyone, us and professionals, have given him won't count for anything.


Deep breath.


Trying to calm down and not worry.....

No, you're not being pessimistic, you're being completely realistic.

Mobility scooters are NOT just 'for old people'. I've seen people of all ages using them.

If he has one leg shorter than the other it's possible to get a built-up shoe i.e. the sole is built up to be thicker. But from what you say about him he wouldn't like that. I'd be more worried about the dizziness etc.

The failing heart etc may possibly make him feel a lot more tired, less energy, than he normally has. His heart is basically struggling! Tiredness is the most common symptom. I find with getting older, I get more tired more easily than I ever used to. All the things we do, the technology we use, the online banking and shopping etc, are just an absolute godsend which make our lives so much easier. We had my stepdaughter and her partner arrive a couple of weekends ago, on motor-bikes on their way to a local regatta and then to the continent. They wanted to do a 'few little jobs' for us. In half an hour they did things that either we couldn't have done or would have taken us all day. Just 3 little jobs. Cleaning out the sparrow nest-boxes on the back wall, massacring the lavender bushes at the front and changing the sheet and duvet-cover (mattress is very heavy). Half an hour the lot! We were very grateful. But mostly, online shopping, online banking, having the car and not having to walk far - it's all an absolute godsend.

Hopalong1

Slinky wrote: »

One thought that has occurred to me is when your relative is resisting spending money as he wants to leave it to you, try and convince him he is not wasting it by spending it but is making a better investment in improving his home which will have the added benefit of making his life easier and making his home more valuable.

Hello Slinky


Thank you, that is a good idea, as he does think his home is an asset at the moment. I am sure anyone else would think otherwise....