How to diplomatically tell someone to suck it up?

BigAunty

GlasweJen wrote: »

Is there a nice way of getting A to knuckle down and not bang on about diabetes ... It's so bad A even tells all of our customers and has been known to start eating and drinking in the clinical areas!

On this topic, I've been shocked by how candid some of my friends and relations have been about their illnesses and the degree to which they steer their conversations around to their illhealth.

For instance, I hadn't seen a couple of cousins for a few years and within seconds of our catch-up, they were revealing what I thought was very personal information but that they told with considerable pride. Now I don't think there's anything to be ashamed about mental illnesses and I can see how keeping things taboo assists with misinformation and prejudice but !!!!!!, tell me about your home, your job, your kids and not make it the number 1 topic everytime I see you.

I used to think I was perhaps a bit conservative in this regard - there is no way I would be that candid, I consider my medical history to be 100% private.

However, I read some articles on Spiked about incapacity benefit and the therapeutic society that we live in and that got me thinking about the socio-economic and political side of things and how individuals have absorbed certain types of messages.

The authors tended to argue that our society has given prominance to vulnerabilities and it is now a badge of honour that is replacing the type of status that the working class used to get through traditional work, that we now live in a society obsessed with personal health and happiness issues so we now have an entrenched victim mentality, lost our stiff upper lips and sense of stoicism.

We have a world of embedded structural unemployment and sickness benefits have somehow disguised true unemployment and conferred upon its recipients the belief that they are ill rather than unemployed or less employable, the adoption of the 'sick role'. The articles cover all this, including the politics of happiness, etc.

http://www.spiked-online.com/newsite/article/4891#.VANK2mP4Jeo

http://www.spiked-online.com/newsite/article/13545#.VANLOGP4Jeo

http://www.spiked-online.com/newsite/article/4325#.VANLsWP4Jeo

http://www.spiked-online.com/newsite/article/311#.VANMQmP4Jeo

http://www.spiked-online.com/newsite/article/7199#.VANNP2P4Jeo

http://www.spiked-online.com/newsite/article/10931#.VANN_2P4Jeo

http://www.spiked-online.com/newsite/article/9780#.VANOJGP4Jeo

http://www.spiked-online.com/newsite/article/8632#.VANOWWP4Jeo

http://www.spiked-online.com/newsite/article/7074#.VANOyGP4Jeo

It's a lot to take in, obviously not a popular point of view as some of them are distinctly anti benefits in tone, and quite controversial. However, they did open my eyes to the cultural factors around illness and disability and give me some insight into why some people I know seem to have their medical status at the centre of their identity and see themselves as incapable of work.

To the OP - do any of these essays chime with you?

Indie_Kid

Person_one wrote: »

First of all, I definitely wouldn't tell anyone to be thankful for their diabetes! I appreciate you're getting frustrated, but that's not a great thing to say to anyone however annoying they may be.

I am clearly reading it differently to you. But I read it as they should be thankful that their condition is manageable.

I have met someone like the person the OP describes. Well, he has a mental illness and always made the conversation about him. He once claimed that I could help him with the issues he was having regarding the police. (I couldn't) I then made the mistake of agreeing to meet up for a coffee and he wouldn't stop texting me. He then said "I can't help it. I have OCD and depression". Since when did those illnesses (I've got OCD and have had depression) give you an excuse to act like a !!!!!!?

Saturnalia

It sounds like A hasn't been taught how to manage hypos or just ignores the instructions. They are scary and do feel awful and your instinct is to keep glugging down the Lucozade until you feel well again - but the sugar is so quickly absorbed during a hypo that you can massively overtreat it by doing this, leading to needing a large dose of insulin a short while later and potentially another hypo in an hour or two.

Medical advice is: Sit still, small glass of Lucozade, wait 5 mins and test, if the blood sugar is starting to come up, wait another 5 mins and test again. If it isn't, take another small amount of Lucozade and repeat the above.

Diabetic people can have Coke and Greggs stuff if they can manage their insulin + exercise to avoid highs and lows (obviously not every day just like everyone else!) but it sounds like A's usual meals are all fast-acting carbs that wear off too quickly and make him hypo later.

And needing a longer lunch break really is just taking the pee. As is eating in areas where it is forbidden.

BigAunty

GlasweJen wrote: »

Is there a nice way of getting A to knuckle down and not bang on about diabetes (which A maintains is the best controlled diabetes in the world and As medical team want to use A to train other diabetics because As management is so good so it's not like it's brittle or complex diabetes - I'm sure if it was we'd all know about it). It's so bad A even tells all of our customers and has been known to start eating and drinking in the clinical areas!

Such a shame that their illness obsesses them and they involve so many people in it.

One of my friends has serious diabetes (no pancreas) so Type 1. She rarely talks about it, at most we get the occasional reminder that she mustn't eat too much dessert when offered it, for example - she never initiates a conversation about it.

She takes her diet seriously, exercises regularly, has always worked full time.

When she stayed with me for a few months, she asked permission to store her drugs in the fridge and that was pretty much the only discussion we ever had on the topic. I never saw her inject, never saw her needles or sharp bin.

She seems to manage the serious condition very well, without complaint, without drawing attention to herself.

To the OP - you indicated that your colleague was on ESA for stress and diabetes. How long were they out of the workforce and are they now fully employed and off ESA or are they on a work experience or permitted work scheme while still claiming ESA? Do they still suffer from stress?

Typically under Incapacity Benefit, a person suffering from stress and diabetes could have been on it for many years. Under the switch to ESA with its different criteria which focusses on Capability rather than Incapacity , it is very much less likely these conditions,, and in particular a simple form of diabetes without complications, would allow them to claim a sickness benefit without any conditionality to seek work.

Is it possible they have had many years of seeing themselves primarily as an incapacitated person due to previous long-term claiming of IB, for example, and this is why their health is a topic of conversation?

That it's perhaps a big adjustment from being defined primarily as a sick or disabled person but as an employee instead and so they don't understand the boundaries and let their personal view of themselves as a vulnerable person interfere with their professional role? This is obviously just a guess on my part, I just wonder whether they are not really making the mental adjustment from 'sick person' to 'employee'.

On the benefit forum, we see many posts from people bumped off long term IB claims and onto ESA or Job Seekers Allowance and it causes them incredible anger at the change, a high degree of stress in re-entering the world of employment, often reluctantly. They feel shafted at the change in criteria from being fully incapacitated and unable to work into a world which looks whether they at least have some capacity to work. Who can blame them when they've absorbed the 'incapacity' focus and suddenly the rug is pulled out from under them.

persa

Ms_Chocaholic wrote: »

I used to work with someone who said she was allergic to nuts. How did she manage this? When offered a chocolate from a box, she would pick one without nuts, not even considering cross contamination.

Also if she bought something with nuts in she would just "pick them out".

She wasn't prescribed adrenalin for this alleged nut allergy.

These type of people drive you to distraction and I really sympathise with OP. Can OP try and ignore the antics of his/her fellow worker.

How judgemental. Just... Wow. :mad:

It's down to every allergy sufferer to decide where they draw the line of acceptable risk. FWIW, I am an epipen carrier and I've nearly died several times, but that hasn't and wouldn't stop me from picking out a nut-free chocolate from a box of chocolates that contained some chocolates with nuts in them.

I can assure you, those of us with serious allergies find life difficult enough without people like you looking down your noses at us for trying to live as normally as possible.

I feel sorry for your ex-colleague.

Mojisola

GlasweJen wrote: »

Now the person with diabetes (we will say A) has totally changed. During the trial the person was outgoing, confident a quick learner and keen to take on more complex tasks (some without getting supervised but we worked that out).

Is there a nice way of getting A to knuckle down and not bang on about diabetes (which A maintains is the best controlled diabetes in the world and As medical team want to use A to train other diabetics because As management is so good so it's not like it's brittle or complex diabetes - I'm sure if it was we'd all know about it).

Saturnalia wrote: »

It sounds like A hasn't been taught how to manage hypos or just ignores the instructions.

A managed without any drama during the trial period and maintains their control is very good!

I think Aunty had it right in post 8 -
"In my experience, the employee (if they are passive/aggressive and see themselves as a vulnerable person who should be treated as a special case) they will blow up and assume a greater victim status. They really hate being confronted or challenged, so secure are they their views are the only right ones. It's just that you at least get some relief from having to tiptoe around them as there's nothing they enjoy more than forcing people to walk on eggshells in order to preserve their warped self esteem."

GlasweJen - from similar experience, I would say this person will be an increasing problem in the workplace and will be very quick to claim discrimination. Everything done will have to be very precise and following every letter of the company's policy.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Why do you have to be diplomatic?

They aren't some precious little flower that might wilt and die if you stop offering them sweeties.

'Why didnt you offer me a sweet?'

'Youre diabetic. As you keep telling us'.


I'd barge in (with chair) when they were administering insulin. It's not hard to inject discreetly, but if they don't have a sharps bin with them, they're endangering everybody else with contamination/needle stick injuries. Not for the hell of it, but I certainly wouldn't stay out of the way. If they don't like people seeing their belly (all 3 inches of which potentially need to be seen for a subcutaneous injection), there's a bathroom for that. Mind you, I will concede that I didn't like the idea of injecting chemo in the bog. Or my living room - I preferred my kitchen with a travel sharps bucket, as it felt cleaner to me. I wouldn't have cared if the offspring or boyfriend wandered in at that point, though.


'You don't get a longer lunch and break. We don't. Neither do you. Would you like somebody to explain it to you with pictures of clocks?'


There's no law that says you have to be nice. They're milking it. So don't fanny around.

BrassicWoman

Mm, see, I see injecting as like breastfeeding. It's just a thing people do and they shouldn't be shamed into a corner to do it. The med cases I see have a pouch to pop the needles in for later discreet disposal.

LandyAndy

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

'You don't get a longer lunch and break. We don't. Neither do you. Would you like somebody to explain it to you with pictures of clocks?'


.

:T :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: :T

GlasweJen

I'm clinical team -we offered A the use of a clean hearing aid dispensing room that only gets used once per week.

If you don't offer A a sweet then that is also unfair and A kicks off.

I do think it's an attention thing but A is already screaming victim and threatening to "take things higher" because yesterday I told A to get back on the shop floor after their half hour lunch break was up. A mentioned that I'd taken 45 minutes and I explained for the billionth time that I won't take a tea later on.

It's hard to describe how I tie in, I'm not As manager - I manage opticians but I am her managers manager and the nature of the job means A's more likely to work with me than with their boss so I've been pretty much landed with A. We all know A is a problem but we suspect that our director is terrified to get rid as A would probably try to sue us or something.

A has a job with us now, no more ESA