How to diplomatically tell someone to suck it up?

missbiggles1

If he's still on his probationary period I'd get his manager to give him a serious talking to and then sack him if there's no improvement.

HPoirot

I would speak to A's line manager about morale in your team. I don't think there is any other way of saying it to A other than putting the facts before him, which would best be done by his line manager. In fact, what does his line manager think of all this?

esuhl

Ms_Chocaholic wrote: »

I used to work with someone who said she was allergic to nuts. How did she manage this? When offered a chocolate from a box, she would pick one without nuts, not even considering cross contamination.

Also if she bought something with nuts in she would just "pick them out".

She wasn't prescribed adrenalin for this alleged nut allergy.

These type of people drive you to distraction and I really sympathise with OP. Can OP try and ignore the antics of his/her fellow worker.

Allergies do come in varying degrees, you know! I'm mildly allergic to nuts. If I eat one, my throat swells and it and my gums become incredibly itchy. It's not the end of the world (I don't complaint to work colleagues about it), and I don't need to be prescribed adrenaline as I've never had an anaphylactic shock.

Why would you be "driven to distraction" by someone who won't eat nuts but isn't concerned about cross-contamination? What's it got to do with you?!

Grumpelstiltskin

If I am reading Jen's post correctly this guy didn't show any of this behaviour during the work placement.


If so then he can control his diabetes, he has just chosen for whatever reason not to now he has been made permanent.

Ms_Chocaholic

esuhl wrote: »

Allergies do come in varying degrees, you know! I'm mildly allergic to nuts. If I eat one, my throat swells and it and my gums become incredibly itchy. It's not the end of the world (I don't complaint to work colleagues about it), and I don't need to be prescribed adrenaline as I've never had an anaphylactic shock.

Why would you be "driven to distraction" by someone who won't eat nuts but isn't concerned about cross-contamination? What's it got to do with you?!

It wasn't just this, it was a whole host of other things, I could write a book! This was the tip of the iceberg.

When she spoke of her nut allergy though she stated it was severe and made a fuss when we went out for lunch as a group but then did this in the office.

Errata

Knobs get away with being knobs because management are also knobs.

BigAunty

Grumpelstiltskin wrote: »

If I am reading Jen's post correctly this guy didn't show any of this behaviour during the work placement.


If so then he can control his diabetes, he has just chosen for whatever reason not to now he has been made permanent.

That sends off an alarm bell to me, unless the OP can offer an explanation or more context. He was kept on because of his positive attitude and performance and he is now basically one of the worst team members, a quite sudden switch.

I had a friend who was superb at presenting herself as a victim, so skilled, that she could present a scenario to us where she appeared to be discriminated at work and where she got masses of sympathy yet, at a very basic level, it just sounded like she was a nightmare employee but you couldn't tell her this.

For example, she complained she was harassed after being off work due to bereavement. What this amounted to was a couple of calls from HR or her boss asking when she would return back to work 3 weeks after her granny died....

She was extremely angry that her boss asked her to wear smarter clothes at work (she had a public facing educational role) as she wore t-shirts, jeans and Doc Martin boots. Instead of us being able to say, 'well, that sounds fair enough', she launched into a tirade about how all her smart clothes were expensive dry clean only and some of the children dribbled (they had special needs). Trying to tell her to buy cheap non-dry clean shirts and slacks from Tesco was met with incredulity.

Lastly, at another job, she was criticised by her line manager for not completing the full draft of a time sensitive communications bulletin to be sent out to clients. Instead of being able to say something like 'well, you were given a deadline and you didn't achieve it', her friends agreed with her assessment that she was being victimised at work because her boss dared to raise her inefficiency with her.

I think the OP should start pushing back at the employee.

For example, next time they react with hostility over the presence of sweets, say something like 'But you've had cakes and cola every day, surely a bit of choccy won't hurt?' and each time they shoot up in the kitchen politely say 'I don't think its appropriate for you to do this in here'. Everytime they say something cruel about a colleague, just say something like 'I don't think that sounds very sympathetic, surely as a diabetic, you must emphathise with all manner of health issues?'.

Step back and don't engage in any of the bizarre justifications and defensiveness that they come out with. You can also probably expect them to trot off to your boss to complain about what a terrible co-worker you are.

In my experience, the employee (if they are passive/aggressive and see themselves as a vulnerable person who should be treated as a special case) they will blow up and assume a greater victim status. They really hate being confronted or challenged, so secure are they their views are the only right ones. It's just that you at least get some relief from having to tiptoe around them as there's nothing they enjoy more than forcing people to walk on eggshells in order to preserve their warped self esteem.

BitterAndTwisted

If this person's line-manager is not aware of A's behaviour and the effect it's having on everyone else, they need to be. First port of call is your own line-manager. It would be helpful if everyone else affected by it will back you up.

BigAunty

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

It would be helpful if everyone else affected by it will back you up.

I agree. Hopefully they are not completely cowed by him. Sometimes the dynamic gets really spoiled by a dominant personality and sometimes people tend to step back rather than want to challenge and aggravate the person or situation.

What I worry about is the charm that the OPs colleague managed to show in order to be retained which suddenly switched off once their feet were under the table. Perhaps they will switch it back on when the line manager speaks to them so that suddenly, butter wouldn't melt in their mouth...

Person_one

GlasweJen wrote: »

I told A that there are other ill members of staff in the buildings and although diabetes is serious it is manageable which A should be thankful for as some of her colleagues go through hell to access treatment

First of all, I definitely wouldn't tell anyone to be thankful for their diabetes! I appreciate you're getting frustrated, but that's not a great thing to say to anyone however annoying they may be.

You personally shouldn't be making any direct approaches if you aren't A's line manager. I'd stop concerning yourself quite so much with how they manage their medical condition and just focus on the things that actually affect you and the people you are responsible for. Talk to A's line manager about these, keep it professional and try to keep the personality issues out of it.