Talking is not working, what to do now?

marisco_2

sunshime wrote: »

it has brought up more confusion than answers but then again thinking about it does, it is not easy to figure out, not easy at all.

The reasons behind why your husband is withdrawing from you, is not something that you can figure out on your own. When you had this discussion with him, were you sat down quietly and both solely focussed on each other? All kinds of emotions must have been going through you at the time. I find it odd that if he gave you eye contact and was really engaged with you, that he didn't pick up on how you were feeling, and your need for him to open up and be honest with you about where he is at.

I really hope that he took a lot of what you said on board, and that he is now thinking things over, before feeling ready to discuss it all further. I can empathise with how painful it is to feel more and more disconnected from someone, that you once shared a very close and loving connection with. My thoughts are with you.

Bogof_Babe

Forgive my bluntness, but could you actually afford to leave him? Do you work? Pension/s? Savings in your sole name?

I'd be working on a comprehensive spreadsheet to work out how the joint finances would be split, and how you would manage on your own.

If he thinks you are dependent on him, he won't be considering that you might in fact leave. No point indicating that you're thinking of leaving, if he knows you don't have the means to do so.

Does he work? Could he have met someone at work? Doesn't have to be a physical relationship, emotional ones can be just as destructive.

I'd go on the joint holiday but use it as an opportunity to get some talking done. Go somewhere tranquil, and travel by train rather than driving, so neither of you has to concentrate on the road.

sunshime

marisco wrote: »

The reasons behind why your husband is withdrawing from you, is not something that you can figure out on your own. When you had this discussion with him, were you sat down quietly and both solely focussed on each other? All kinds of emotions must have been going through you at the time. I find it odd that if he gave you eye contact and was really engaged with you, that he didn't pick up on how you were feeling, and your need for him to open up and be honest with you about where he is at.

I really hope that he took a lot of what you said on board, and that he is now thinking things over, before feeling ready to discuss things further. I can empathise with how painful it is to feel more and more disconnected from someone, that you once shared a very close and loving connection with. My thoughts are with you.

The TV was off and it was in the living room, just us. I hope he took it on board and will discuss at a later date also.

sunshime

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

Forgive my bluntness, but could you actually afford to leave him? Do you work? Pension/s? Savings in your sole name?

I'd be working on a comprehensive spreadsheet to work out how the joint finances would be split, and how you would manage on your own.

If he thinks you are dependent on him, he won't be considering that you might in fact leave. No point indicating that you're thinking of leaving, if he knows you don't have the means to do so.

Does he work? Could he have met someone at work? Doesn't have to be a physical relationship, emotional ones can be just as destructive.

I'd go on the joint holiday but use it as an opportunity to get some talking done. Go somewhere tranquil, and travel by train rather than driving, so neither of you has to concentrate on the road.

Yes I have my savings that would keep me going for a while but obviously never indefinetely, I would like to think that he realises that I would not stay for the money he could provide. He works with all men environment. We would be flying.

BigAunty

sunshime wrote: »

The biggest surprise was I said I was going on holiday for a few days, give him time to digest what I had just said, talk when I get back, leave him to have a think and mull over what I had said he said 'oh holiday, now that is a good idea, we should go on holiday, have a look online and we will go' that is not what I said...

The one regret if there was one is that I think it maybe came out a bit jumbled ...

Did I do ok?

Sounds like you did ok but he only heard what he wanted to hear.

You've given him a serious talking to and all he hears is that you should both enjoy a holiday....

He's in serious denial, happy to distract you. You are on a tough and lonely journey.

BigAunty

I disagree with the suggestions that you evolve it into a joint holiday. It reinforces his skewed interpretation of your talk - you have a serious agenda whereas the most he's understood 'we could do with some downtime'.

It's original purpose is to give you time to think seriously about ending the relationship formally (its already ended in reality) or see if you've got the strength to reinvigorate it when your partner doesn't want to accept that it's broken.

It was also supposed to be a stake in the ground, a serious spur, for him to review the state of your partnership.

I can't think of anything more frustrating for you than a s-e-x-l-e-s-s holiday with someone who may very well shut down any discussion on the direction of your relationship during it.

I believe you need to tell him quite explicitly that he is wifully misunderstanding what you proposed, that you are going solo, that he needs to think hard while you are away of changes that he needs to make in order for the relationship to survive and that you have booked an appointment with a solicitor upon your return to understand the financial implications of breaking up and suggest he does the same.

He really needs a bigger jolt - your honest and frank discussion has been a waste of breath.

BigAunty

Friends of a friend marriage broke up due to his infidelity.

He tried to reconcile and she rejected it but somehow he didn't accept that their relationship was over and went on about his daily business as if they were still a couple despite her rejecting all the trappings of it.

She told him they were divorcing, he only thought that she was thinking about divorcing him. Even when she served the divorce papers on him, he wasn't ruffled and presumably thought she'd change her mind.

She told him to get his financial affairs in order to agree a settlement, he didn't review any of his finances. She told him that they should send out a message to their sets of friends about their divorce, she did but he didn't.

They were still co-habiting (in separate rooms) and it was approaching Xmas.

He actually, get this, expected them to have a joint meal together on Xmas day despite being told that she wasn't sharing any festivities with him. He still believed that she would buy the Xmas day meal despite the fact she told him that she wasn't going to do any food shopping for him.

I don't know how it ended but with a few days before Xmas, she had stocked up food for the festive period for herself and he hadn't made it to the supermarket.

That's how deep denial can go!

*max*

I'm convinced OP talks just as she writes. Sentences going on forever, going round and round the subject and never actually saying what she means. OP has posted about this before (the writing style makes it obvious who it is, really), and various other issues, and the threads have gone...round and round, for pages and pages, with nothing ever being taken on board or acted upon.

OP, TALK to your husband. TALK to your husband. Don't !!!!!foot around the issue, don't use flowery language and sentences that go on for whole paragraphs. Talk! Say what you mean!

The holiday thing? You hadn't actually planned to go by yourself at all, did you? You never made any plans, did you? It was all talk and no business. So I'm sure that whatever you "threaten" to do, he'll just think it's never gonna happen, because it never has. Just look at how you handled the holiday thing! He assumed you were going together, and you didn't correct him. Stop being such a wet blanket, and say what you !!!!!!! mean, and actually do it. Or you'll be back 6 months from now, under yet another username, asking the same questions forever and ever.

RuthnJasper

How are you doing Sunshime? Hope you're OK. x