Talking is not working, what to do now?

lostinrates

I'm a woman and if don't feel it tells what you actually want or what you feel your choices are or what you need from him.

BigAunty

sunshime wrote: »

^^^^^^this is all I have come up with, aim to keep it non confrontational, short and sweet but is it not a bit OTT, a bit vomit inducing!! What does it say? It doesn't explain anything does it, as a man will he just chuck it, who knows...

If he operates like a cat on the emotional spectrum, all he is going to pick up is 'My Love...'.

Can you not make it a bit more to the point. Or actually have a word with him before you go to say that you are taking a break in order to decide whether to end the relationship because of the lack of intimacy and its staleness so it's up to him to win you back upon your return?

carefullycautious

Not sure how old you both are but may be his testosterone levels need checking.

He also could be depressed, ill, all manor of reasons why he cant perform. Affair?

Does he discuss why he cannot/does not make love to you.

Until you find out the reason behind all this you are just going round in circles. He may be embarrassed if he is the typical old school stiff upper lip type.

Skintmama

As other posters have suggested, personal counselling sessions would be a good next step before considering separation, or leaving your husband. If you find a counsellor who can help you to develop an awareness of what is most important to you and perhaps give other perspectives on what is going on with your husband, it may be easier for you to find a way forward. It will also probably help to ease your pain. From what you write, you love your husband and he says that he loves you so this feels worth fighting for. ( I realise this is why you are considering desperate measures)

The increased awareness developed through counselling often produces positive change and may just help to shift something in the relationship with your husband even though he is not attending himself.

ciderwithrosie_2

I would just leave a note and go for a few days. Don't tell him you're taking a holiday - it sounds far too laid back.


Tell him, this is how his change in behaviour is making you feel - your feelings are valid, and as your husband he should respect you enough to take it seriously and not keep brushing you off. Tell him you will come back if he's prepared to acknowledge his behaviour has hurt you, maybe irreparably, and he better give you some bloody good reasons/assurances to stay.

sunshime

I just saw an oportunity to say what was on my mind rather than write it to him and went for it. It was not rehearsed or planned so maybe came out a bit mumbled and disjointed but I tried to think of the points that had been made and went for it...

I told him that I loved him and felt that we had become emotionally disconnected and that I did not feel like he was mine, that I was able to come near him or touch him and that he had a wall around him that seemed as if it was impossible for me to penetrate, he said ' oh that is not right, that should not be that way, oh right'

I said I wanted to have the sex back and was not prepared to be celibate for life and he said well no...

I said if all he was offering was friendship I wanted a partnership and was I just a companion he said companion, no you are not a companion.

I said I missed him and wanted the old him back he smiled but did not answer

I said I was finding it hard to cope with the distance and that all forms of communication like texts or phone calls etc had stopped and I wanted them back, he listened but did not say anyting.

I told him I love him , he did not reply

The biggest surprise was I said I was going on holiday for a few days, give him time to digest what I had just said, talk when I get back, leave him to have a think and mull over what I had said he said 'oh holiday, now that is a good idea, we should go on holiday, have a look online and we will go' that is not what I said...

I never made any threats or accused him of anything, I never said I was leaving, it was just spur of the moment do or die short sharp quick statements of how I see it and what I would like to have back from what it was like before and ended it with I will let you have a think...

I intend to leave it for a few days, let it sink in and see if he allows me to touch him then, if he does fantastic if he doesn't that means he has not listened to a word I said and I count for nothing...

The one regret if there was one is that I think it maybe came out a bit jumbled and maybe I did not convey the seriousness of the issue as far as I had thought negatively about it enough to consider leaving, I don't know if I achieved anything, time will tell.

Did I do ok?

Primrose

It's always difficult to get these situations right but I'm sure you have given him something to think about. However, I would follow up what you said to him before you go away on holiday by reiterating your remarks to him and telling him that you expect him to take them seriously and that your absence should be an opportunity for him to make up his mind whether he wants to continue the marriage and if so, what he is going to do about the issues you raised to make this possible.
I think unless you do this, and set a formal time to discuss the issue again when you return from holiday he will shuffle and deflect again. I think the fact that he didn't respond actively speaks volumes actually and that he is just sticking his head in the sand over the whole business.
I also don't quite understand why you seem to think it should necessarily be you who leaves. Perhaps if you raise with him the point that if the marriage is not going to continue you will have to decide which of the two of you leaves may suddenly be a wake-up call to him if his quiet existence is suddenly faced with contemplating a major upheaval.
While he can jog along as now under the same roof without having to do anything major in terms of behaviour change , he may never respond actively. If he's suddenly faced with the possibility of having to move out and find somewhere else to live it may be the jolt which finally gets him off his butt and facing up to the issues you are trying to resolve.


You may love him but unless you can be more assertive about what you want in your marriage going forward and start categorically listing the things which have to change I don't think you're going to get him taking any action.

You say you have been drifting like this for three years so it's time to put a little pressure on now to try and get things resolved otherwise nothing may ever change or happen. Good luck!.

sunshime

Primrose wrote: »

It's always difficult to get these situations right but I'm sure you have given him something to think about. However, I would follow up what you said to him before you go away on holiday by reiterating your remarks to him and telling him that you expect him to take them seriously and that your absence should be an opportunity for him to make up his mind whether he wants to continue the marriage and if so, what he is going to do about the issues you raised to make this possible.
I think unless you do this, and set a formal time to discuss the issue again when you return from holiday he will shuffle and deflect again. I think the fact that he didn't respond actively speaks volumes actually and that he is just sticking his head in the sand over the whole business.
I also don't quite understand why you seem to think it should necessarily be you who leaves. Perhaps if you raise with him the point that if the marriage is not going to continue you will have to decide which of the two of you leaves may suddenly be a wake-up call to him if his quiet existence is suddenly faced with contemplating a major upheaval.
While he can jog along as now under the same roof without having to do anything major in terms of behaviour change , he may never respond actively. If he's suddenly faced with the possibility of having to move out and find somewhere else to live it may be the jolt which finally gets him off his butt and facing up to the issues you are trying to resolve.


You may love him but unless you can be more assertive about what you want in your marriage going forward and start categorically listing the things which have to change I don't think you're going to get him taking any action.

You say you have been drifting like this for three years so it's time to put a little pressure on now to try and get things resolved otherwise nothing may ever change or happen. Good luck!.

Thank you. When I said about going away for a few days he said that was a good idea for us to go away on holiday and to get it booked on google, that it was a really good idea us on holiday, that is the surprise.

So are you saying he never answered me and that means no?

What should he have said? He did seem a bit surprised, I just saw a chance and started speaking..

He inherited the house.

What should I have said? Did I not say it right?

JoW123

sunshime wrote: »

Thank you. When I said about going away for a few days he said that was a good idea for us to go away on holiday and to get it booked on google, that it was a really good idea us on holiday, that is the surprise.

So are you saying he never answered me and that means no?

What should he have said? He did seem a bit surprised, I just saw a chance and started speaking..

He inherited the house.

What should I have said? Did I not say it right?

So are you planning on going away together now then? I take it you didn't correct him when he suggested you went together? I think Primrose is alluding to the fact that you told him you loved him, and he never answered, you told him you missed the old him, and he never answered etc. Basically he didn't rush to reassure you that he loves and wants you. In fact he didn't reassure you at all except to assume he was tagging along on the holiday. He is very passive and unless you push it nothing will change.

sunshime

JoW123 wrote: »

So are you planning on going away together now then? I take it you didn't correct him when he suggested you went together? I think Primrose is alluding to the fact that you told him you loved him, and he never answered, you told him you missed the old him, and he never answered etc. Basically he didn't rush to reassure you that he loves and wants you. In fact he didn't reassure you at all except to assume he was tagging along on the holiday. He is very passive and unless you push it nothing will change.

well I wasn't no, that is what he came up with himself, so now it is us that is going away but that is not what I said to him and no I did not correct him.

Oh I see, if I ask him he tells me but what is the point to that? Surely it should come naturally.

I noticed what is missing as much as tactile is laughter well I suppose that is in amongst the communication connection and so maybe he can see that also and when I said I was going on holiday he wants to tag along.