Talking is not working, what to do now?

sunshime

Very old user, new username, usual story, unbiast opinions, etc....

So here goes, trying to condense 3 ish years .....

Background married, used to be very happily, kids,up until maybe 3 ish years ago thought my marriage would last for life, happy, now thinking of leaving, not that is what I want but cannot see another way out....

Since around 3 years ago the physical has dwindled to practically nothing, even the loving touches , text messaging, phone calls, the contact, the kissing not there anymore, it as if he is dancing around me rather than with me.

It happened slowly I guess but 3 years on however much I have talked, asked, cajoled, laughed, joked, ignored, tried to understand, you name it I have left it, soothingly asked, I now cannot think of any single thing left to do other than stage a leave...

Hear me out... I know I cannot live without hardly any.. well anything that a marriage should be, no acknowledgement that I am even here really,it is much more than just s e x OH makes me feel as if I am invisible to him, I am frustrated, unhappy, lonely, we don't talk anymore other that the superficials, OH has been told, he listens, then it just does not happen, like I am the most unimportant non existent person in the world.

I love my OH and do not want to leave or play games but I am in so much pain now I feel I have no other option left to me to once more tell him how much all this hurts and take my chances and leave to see if I there is any hope of him listening, sitting up and taking notice of how this all is and wanting to bring back the marriage to where it was...

I know it is risky, OH may sigh with relief, may just let me go, it is risky, I know I am coming across as a childish stupid teenager game player and I am neither what I am is desperate, nothing I have put here does my OH not know, I have talked to him, he is my best friend, some best friend eh?

OH says he loves me if I ask him. If I tell him or try to get close he just invents reasons, excuses, anything to back off and be left. It is very off putting to the point now that I feel as if I am selling myself short.

I cannot think of anything else to say to him, there is nothing else to do, I cannot take another 3 years of missing what I had, feeling like this, wanting it to go back to where we had it, I can't think a staged walk out is a very sensible thing to do but what else is there for me to do?

fannyadams

I couldn't read and run. I am sending you virtual hugs, coffee, and cake, as I don't really know what else to do.
Are your kids moved out now?
I think you have been more than proactive in trying to re-establish physical contact with your hubbie and I'm sorry I can't give you any practical advice.
apologies.
FA
xx

greeneggs_2

It sounds like a difficult situation to be in. I think you need to decide which is the lesser of the two evils - either you live without him or you continue living like this. If you didn't have kids it'd maybe be an easier decision to make. If you decide to move out you have to be really prepared to leave because it's not fair on the kids to mess them around.

Would he go to counselling with you if you asked do you think?

DomRavioli

Hi OP,

Sounds like your honeymoon period has ended. IF you want more physical intimacy, then you are either going to have to take a little more control over it, or get some proper counselling - it may be your OH has things going on in their own life that has made them lose confidence (believe me, three years of being nagged - and I'm a woman who has been nagged - can really knock your confidence).

Have you spoken with Relate, or a local counselling service? That would be the first port of call, instead of running away from the problem, actually try and fix it together.

There's plenty you can do, you are just seeing it only from your own perspective. Not sure what this "pain" is, I'm guessing it is likely guilt rather than pain, but you need to let your OH have a space where they can talk freely about their feelings without you shoving them back down their throat (what it seems like to me is you are pretty selfish from your OP).

I know sometimes the truth isn't nice to hear, but walking away would be very selfish without trying to get some help for both of you, and to at least find out why it isn't working. Once you know that, then you can decide if you both want to make a go of it, or go your separate ways.

Just to reiterate, running away is never the answer. It creates deep rooted hurt, and splitting up is a joint decision, not a sole one. You chose to get married, and having problems is a normal part of marriage, you just need some help with it.

sunshime

Kids moved out long ago, counselling no, he is old school, he would never go, I have tried to be have more control over the physical intimacy but it is very off putting when you can feel it is done because it has to be done or for an easier life or coming up with excuses as to not bother...

I wouldn't say I nag, then again I would say that what I am just disappointed, just soul destroying, just at a loss and very hurt, we used to have a laugh and be tactile and friendly, happy but drip by drip it is all going and it hurts.... a lot.

Please explain how you see me as selfish? This has been happening for around 3 years so hardly a whim decision to leave or selfish? Would I be expected to live like this because...why?

Brighton_belle

sunshime wrote: »

Kids moved out long ago, counselling no, he is old school, he would never go, I have tried to be have more control over the physical intimacy but it is very off putting when you can feel it is done because it has to be done or for an easier life or coming up with excuses as to not bother...

I wouldn't say I nag, then again I would say that what I am just disappointed, just soul destroying, just at a loss and very hurt, we used to have a laugh and be tactile and friendly, happy but drip by drip it is all going and it hurts.... a lot.

Please explain how you see me as selfish? This has been happening for around 3 years so hardly a whim decision to leave or selfish? Would I be expected to live like this because...why?

I wouldn't place too much importance on anything that previous poster wrote: it was a bizarre post - you don't come across as selfish or 'nagging'. I think they have they own experience overwhelming them and are imposing it on you.
You come across as having tried in the gentlest and most compassionate way to work with your DH to rekindle what seems to be now withheld from you.
The idea that the misery you are in is merely 'the honeymoon period is over' is very strange.

Gigervamp

I don't think you're being selfish. You're just trying to find answers as to why your marriage has become loveless.

What does your OH say when you bring up the subject?

Confusedandneedhelp

sunshime wrote: »

Kids moved out long ago, counselling no, he is old school, he would never go, I have tried to be have more control over the physical intimacy but it is very off putting when you can feel it is done because it has to be done or for an easier life or coming up with excuses as to not bother... - think alot of men would agree with you (obviously not just men, but a common complaint).

I wouldn't say I nag, then again I would say that what I am just disappointed, just soul destroying, just at a loss and very hurt, we used to have a laugh and be tactile and friendly, happy but drip by drip it is all going and it hurts.... a lot. - perhaps hes going thru a midlife crisis? seeing his youth disappear. Perhaps he has stresses at work but not wishing to burden you. It could be anything really. Perhaps what you both need is some hobbies, so that instead of having 20 hrs a week of avergae couple time, u have 8-10 of great time.

Please explain how you see me as selfish? This has been happening for around 3 years so hardly a whim decision to leave or selfish? Would I be expected to live like this because...why? - if you were a man, you would get that, but x10 from alot of people. Unfortunately a sense of freedom, and expectation, is put on life. So whilst a woman complaining that a man wants sex 5 times a week would be told that it's her body and he should seek other releases, and that the man is selfish for not considering her needs or wants, it does work the other way and you get this advice too, just a watered down version. The truth is, all humans are selfish, its basic human nature, we want and we take. we can be considerate, we can care, but at the end of the day the question remains, 'whats in it for me?'. dont take it personally, use it to your advantage.

Advice above in red

sunshime

Gigervamp wrote: »

I don't think you're being selfish. You're just trying to find answers as to why your marriage has become loveless.

What does your OH say when you bring up the subject?

Bearing in my this is over a 3 year period...laughs, dismisses, oh you are being silly...it's all in your head, your funny, oh I didn't realise, oh I see, he appears to listen but does not hear obviously, he seems amiable enough but has appears to have gone deaf? Does that make sense?

sunshime

confused sure it can be a common complaint but up until a few years ago it was not one of mine, I did say it is much more than just intimacy in the bedroom, a lot more...

OH has hobbies, he works hard, has weekends off, enjoys his life...

You have it so so wrong that it is all about sex, if I could be so forward as to ask you to re-read my posts you would see it is so much more than that, the day to day marriage bits not just and absolutely sex...

greeneggs_2

You could maybe try counselling on your own if he won't go with you? It might help to talk things through and you might get some ideas/perspective on what you can do to help the relationship.

The other option is tell him you're seriously thinking of leaving see what he says. If he's not prepared to put the effort in or taking your feelings seriously then maybe you aren't compatible any more.