Talking is not working, what to do now?

sunshime

Gra76 wrote: »

"We need to talk" from a male perspective means he's not happy either. It doesn't necessarily mean he wants to split up. Maybe he knows there's a problem and he wants to fix it.

I never used 'we need to talk' and he has never used 'we need to talk' I think this came from me asking how do I go about letting him know that I am so upset with it all I am thinking of leaving... how to go about it...

Ozzuk

At this point it sounds like you have nothing to lose by being open and honest. I certainly wouldn't want to continue as-is in your shoes. Arrange a time to sit down with no distractions. Tell him how you are feeling, tell him you need to know if he actually wants this (he may not but is too scared to tell you), and let him know you really don't want to but its getting to the point where perhaps we should talk about splitting up. If you aren't getting anything concrete or positive then move talk onto a trial separation, if you don't see any other choices and can't put up with the life you have. If you are this unhappy, chances are he is too, or he just doesn't care anymore and just wants a quiet life.

Hugs and good luck.

sunshime

RuthnJasper wrote: »

Have you thought about writing him a letter explaining how you feel? Sometimes things can sink in a little more if they are seen in print, and he can consider his response a bit more fully whilst he's reading.

Good luck. x

I have put it down on paper but not given it to him, it was more like talking myself into this is not this bad and just deal with it, rather than putting down how bad it is and having to deal with all that entails...

I have no idea if he would read it...

greeneggs_2

He might want to leave, or he may be totally happy with the status quo. Do you have someone you could go and stay with for a few days?

I think I would sit him down and explain how unhappy you are and that you aren't prepared to live out the rest of your life like this. Then tell him you are going to spend a few days with your sister or whatever so you've both got some space to think about it.

Then when you get back you can both decide if you are prepared to give it a go or not.

lulu650

sunshime wrote: »

So does he want to leave me then?

Essentially we don't know and we don't know what it is you are going to lose by leaving him.

Why do you need to leave? Why don't you ask if he is as unhappy as you are now and whether he wants to leave you? Why not go on holiday without him to clear your mind? Do you lead separate lives at the moment? Could you build up more of a social life without him whilst living together? Does he have an active social life without you? If he doesn't want to go to counselling with you, could you go alone?

marisco_2

sunshime wrote: »

I love my OH and do not want to leave or play games but I am in so much pain now I feel I have no other option left to me to once more tell him how much all this hurts and take my chances and leave to see if I there is any hope of him listening, sitting up and taking notice of how this all is and wanting to bring back the marriage to where it was...

You are clearly in a lot of pain and feeling so much confusion about where your relationship is at. Definitely sit down calmly with your husband and talk through how you are feeling. Be prepared to do as much listening as talking and see if he will open up any as to what is going on with him.

Personally I wouldn't be packing any bags and leaving at this stage. Being parted takes away the opportunity to get to the root cause of what is behind this distance between you.

Could using a counselling service like Relate, with a trained third party that would work on your communication, be worth considering? I would hope your husband would at least consider trying this. It would be such a shame to risk throwing away something that was so special, when just by being willing to work at it all and pull together, you two could get back on track in time.

sunshime

trailingspouse wrote: »

You have my total sympathy. And I think you're right to need some sort of reason or explanation for his behaviour.

I think in the short term you need to distance yourself from him for a bit. Can you take yourself off for a holiday on your own or go and stay with friends for a while? It will give you both a bit of space and help you to get some perspective on the situation.

There are some things that could explain it - he may be suffering from depression, he may have some level of erectile dysfunction (I know it's not just the s e x, but ed can mean that he avoids all levels of intimacy so as to avoid it 'leading on' to anything), he might just not fancy you any more (it happens, and it's no-one's fault). It could be none of those things. But you need to know for sure because depending on the reason will depend on how you react to it.

No-one likes to be taken for granted, and you need to get him to sit up and take notice, one way or another.

Only threaten to leave if you are prepared to actually leave.

Funnily enough I was looking online earlier this morning for holidays, just idly really, so yes holiday.

Yes I have often thought it is my fault but when we do get together it is like none of this is even happening but then as soon as that is over it goes back to all of this again for a long while, so I get take the rough with the smooth, it is the ebb and flow, just the ebb goes on for a long while and it can be never ending...

sunshime

greeneggs wrote: »

He might want to leave, or he may be totally happy with the status quo. Do you have someone you could go and stay with for a few days?

I think I would sit him down and explain how unhappy you are and that you aren't prepared to live out the rest of your life like this. Then tell him you are going to spend a few days with your sister or whatever so you've both got some space to think about it.

Then when you get back you can both decide if you are prepared to give it a go or not.

THat is what is in my head to do as you said, I think it is the resto f my life scenario that plays out a lot, it seems if you have to have a marriage like this then you have, I know of some of my friends who would love to have a marriage as this to but it is the long term that is making me feel as if there is no end..

sunshime

marisco wrote: »

You are clearly in a lot of pain and feeling so much confusion about where your relationship is at. Definitely sit down calmly with your husband and talk through how you are feeling. Be prepared to do as much listening as talking and see if he will open up any as to what is going on with him.

Personally I wouldn't be packing any bags and leaving at this stage. Being parted takes away the opportunity to get to the root cause of what is behind this distance between you.

Could using a counselling service like Relate, with a trained third party that would work on your communication, be worth considering? I would hope your husband would at least consider trying this. It would be such a shame to risk throwing away something that was so special, when just by being willing to work at it all and pull together, you two could get back on track in time.

OH would not go to relate or any outsiders, not his thing. I have tried talking to him, often, I feel as if I have proper tried but can't get through!

Mirno

Sometimes you need to pull the trigger, and bluntly ask the questions you need answering.

Remember, what you fear you may hear in his response may be big, but it will be a one off.
The fear of carrying on as you are will nag at you, and eat at you just as it has for the last 3 years.