Talking is not working, what to do now?

sunshime

lulu650 wrote: »

Essentially we don't know and we don't know what it is you are going to lose by leaving him.

Why do you need to leave? Why don't you ask if he is as unhappy as you are now and whether he wants to leave you? Why not go on holiday without him to clear your mind? Do you lead separate lives at the moment? Could you build up more of a social life without him whilst living together? Does he have an active social life without you? If he doesn't want to go to counselling with you, could you go alone?

I have done, he just dismisses it.

Holiday seems a brilliant idea. I am going to tell him I am going on holiday.

We have both seperate and together.

sunshime

Mirno wrote: »

Sometimes you need to pull the trigger, and bluntly ask the questions you need answering.

Remember, what you fear you may hear in his response may be big, but it will be a one off.
The fear of carrying on as you are will nag at you, and eat at you just as it has for the last 3 years.

What would you ask?

marisco_2

This may sound like a strange suggestion, but I think anything is worth a try before you walk away from a marriage. Consider writing your husband a letter explaining exactly how you feel, your worries for where your relationship is headed and your concern for him. Take as much time as you need to, to get it right. Even if that means going to counselling just for yourself first, to work on how you feel and what you want from your future. I am so sorry for all you are going through, and I hope that you have supportive family and friends around you.

greeneggs_2

sunshime wrote: »

OH would not go to relate or any outsiders, not his thing. I have tried talking to him, often, I feel as if I have proper tried but can't get through!

I think you should seriously consider going alone. Your self esteem is bound to have been damaged by being so unhappy for so long.

Caroline_a

Background - married and divorced twice. I told both my husbands that I was considering leaving them for reasons a), b). c) etc. Husband no 1 didn't believe me. Carried on the same. Result - I left him. Husband no 2 also didn't believe me - and I actually served him with divorce papers! We decided to have another go, I was totally upfront and told him what was missing, what was wrong, etc etc. Words of one syllable. Result? He carried on the same. After another 5 years of 'trying' - me not him - I gave up and left him.

Sometimes you just can't tell them even if you put it in their faces.

Mirno

sunshime wrote: »

What would you ask?

I wouldn't ask, at least not to start with.

You need to state your point of view - the facts as you see them.
Don't be accusatory, be inclusive - "we have been emotionally distant", not "he has been".
Don't make any threats. If you're worried it may be the end of the relationship, say so, but don't threaten to end it.
Give him time to think about things - you've had time to think about what you want to say. He hasn't. Say you want to talk about it tomorrow evening or within a day or two. Then give him time and space to think about it.

You need to say these things without getting emotional or personal. You don't want a fight, you want to sort things out.

Something like:
Darling, we need to talk. I've felt for some time now that we've been emotionally distant, and that we aren't in the same relationship we once were. I need to talk about this as I cannot carry on like we are now. I still care deeply for you, but I want us to both be happy. Can we agree to sit down tomorrow evening and discuss it? I will give you as much space as you need between now and then if you need it.

It may seem odd - given the lack of tenderness, but if you can hold his and or give a hug. Show that you're still in the relationship. Obviously given that this is kind of the problem, it may not be possible/appropriate!

You're then going to have a day or two of torture, so be prepared for that. If you can get away for a coffee and cake with a close friend do - it gets you out of his way and lets you vent.

If the talk gets heated, or feels like it's turning into an argument, "I think we should discuss this again later when we've both calmed down" is a good phrase to keep in mind.

BigAunty

S-e-x is the glue that binds a couple together. What he's offering is a friendship. Be candid and let him know that you want a true partnership and so if he wants the relationship to continue he has to change or you are calling it a day. Looks like he's sticking his head in the sand rather than other places you may prefer.

You've probably got to be blunt and if you make an ultimatum 'sort it out or I'll leave' then make sure it's a true one, not a bluff, so think about the risks, upheaval and upset that may come if he cannot face or address the issue. Tell him you've no intention of being celibate and if he prefers celibacy, he's got to live on his own.

The holiday will give you thinking time but it won't really make a difference or progress things. I would have a stern chat before you head off on your holiday, tell him you want a commitment and action plan when you return and if there's no change, its over. That will give him thinking time, too.

System

I think maybe you ought to ask yourself. Are you prepared to lose him if you tell him how you feel and you don't get the response you want?

Don't forget, your kids may have left home but there will be a lot tying you together.

Ive heard of so many of my friends splitting up after the children had grown up. You build your life round the children and when they are no longer in your life the glue that holds you together falls apart and you start pulling in different directions.

Where sex is concerned, ive heard it said, 'if you don't use it, you lose it'. I am inclined to agree. Does he like being touched? Cuddled? Hugged? If he does, that's probably a good starting point.

I agree with BigAunty. Sex is the glue that binds a couple together or the children. As a lot of my friends have found, when the children leave home, theres very little holding them together.

Hope it works out well for you.

Primrose

Maybe you should go ahead and book yourself some personal counselling sessions first. There is usually a long wait for them so this will give you the chance to write down your thoughts and questions first before you go, writing the pros and cons of staying or leaving, scoring each of then against 10 and all the other issues which will arise if you leave.

Only when you have got the first session actually booked would I recommend raising the subject with your husband, telling him how unhappy you are with the present situation. The fact that you are starting to do something practical about resolving your issues may finally bring him face to face that something is being set in train in which he needs to participate and take seriously. Until now he may think this has just been normal "grumbling" on your part which he is not really expected to take seriously.

Of course there is always the risk that he may be happy for the marriage to end and this is a risk you will have to come to terms with. But I think you need to think through all the practical financial issues of separating first and have an idea in your mind how you will deal with them if he gives you an answer you don't like when you raise the issue with him. That will mean doing a lot of research first.

Also, have your adult children any idea of all this confusion and unhappiness which is going on in your own head? Just because they may have left home doesn't mean that they won,t have their own feelings about a possible separation. Maybe they could drop a hint your husband that "all is not well with Mum and perhaps the two of you need to sit down and talk together?"

It is a big step to take, and maybe talking to an independent counsellor will help clarify some of these issues in your own mind.

sunshime

My love,
I am sorry if I am making you unhappy within our relationship, it has never been my intention to cause you any pain, only give you love.
I love you, we have become emotionally disconnected and I miss you. I miss us.
You are my best friend but I need a true partnership, not just a friendship.
I have no wish to be celibate during the course of my lifetime.
I miss you, the old you that cared about me, that cared about us and treated me so well.
I have always been here for you through whatever, whenever, nobody is perfect but you were perfect for me.
I am physically, mentally and emotionally tired, tired of hoping the old you is coming home.

I will be away for a few days.

^^^^^^this is all I have come up with, aim to keep it non confrontational, short and sweet but is it not a bit OTT, a bit vomit inducing!! What does it say? It doesn't explain anything does it, as a man will he just chuck it, who knows...