Talking is not working, what to do now?

sunshime

greeneggs wrote: »

You could maybe try counselling on your own if he won't go with you? It might help to talk things through and you might get some ideas/perspective on what you can do to help the relationship.

The other option is tell him you're seriously thinking of leaving see what he says. If he's not prepared to put the effort in or taking your feelings seriously then maybe you aren't compatible any more.

How do I make him believe that it is come to me thinking of leaving? That it is serious? I do not want to play games or be doing anything the least bit dramatic, what I wanted is to be seen at least...

What would I say? How would I go about it?

greeneggs_2

sunshime wrote: »

How do I make him believe that it is come to me thinking of leaving? That it is serious? I do not want to play games or be doing anything the least bit dramatic, what I wanted is to be seen at least...

What would I say? How would I go about it?

Gosh I don't know I think if I told my husband I was thinking of leaving he would definitely believe me. Have you said it before and not followed through? It's only playing games if you have no intention of actually going.

I think if you aren't genuinely going to leave if he doesn't change then you need to take a different approach. Some people live very happily in companionate marriages - it's not something I could do but maybe you could get used to it and fill your life with joy and love in other ways. xx

Gigervamp

"We need to talk" is usually a sign that something serious is up.

His previous replies sound like he's brushing things under the carpet. It could be because he feels differently about you, but doesn't want to upset you, so he's trying to avoid being truthful.

tiger_eyes

Is it just deja vu or have we had this exact thread before?

sunshime

greeneggs wrote: »

Gosh I don't know I think if I told my husband I was thinking of leaving he would definitely believe me. Have you said it before and not followed through? It's only playing games if you have no intention of actually going.

I think if you aren't genuinely going to leave if he doesn't change then you need to take a different approach. Some people live very happily in companionate marriages - it's not something I could do but maybe you could get used to it and fill your life with joy and love in other ways. xx

No, I have said things before like 'I am fed up with this' or 'this is hard work' bits like that never I am leaving, packing, going, off see ya', so that is what I mean, how do I say it? What do I say? Never been in that situation before.

I think I have tried to adapt to the different approach, the thing is it is not working for me because I had it so good previously now that I don't I think maybe too fondly back but even so I know I had it far better before and I look at my life and think am I doing myself a diservice by 'putting up and shutting up' when surely there must be a chance out there to feel again?

I want to be brave and put my head above the parapit and say I count but I know what there is to loose ...

sunshime

Gigervamp wrote: »

"We need to talk" is usually a sign that something serious is up.

His previous replies sound like he's brushing things under the carpet. It could be because he feels differently about you, but doesn't want to upset you, so he's trying to avoid being truthful.

So does he want to leave me then?

sunshime

Would I be doing his work for him then?

Gra76

"We need to talk" from a male perspective means he's not happy either. It doesn't necessarily mean he wants to split up. Maybe he knows there's a problem and he wants to fix it.

trailingspouse

You have my total sympathy. And I think you're right to need some sort of reason or explanation for his behaviour.

I think in the short term you need to distance yourself from him for a bit. Can you take yourself off for a holiday on your own or go and stay with friends for a while? It will give you both a bit of space and help you to get some perspective on the situation.

There are some things that could explain it - he may be suffering from depression, he may have some level of erectile dysfunction (I know it's not just the s e x, but ed can mean that he avoids all levels of intimacy so as to avoid it 'leading on' to anything), he might just not fancy you any more (it happens, and it's no-one's fault). It could be none of those things. But you need to know for sure because depending on the reason will depend on how you react to it.

No-one likes to be taken for granted, and you need to get him to sit up and take notice, one way or another.

Only threaten to leave if you are prepared to actually leave.

RuthnJasper

Have you thought about writing him a letter explaining how you feel? Sometimes things can sink in a little more if they are seen in print, and he can consider his response a bit more fully whilst he's reading.

Good luck. x