Paying the kids to do housework

FBaby

Agree with this! I find all the comments about "what can you do with teenagers?!" Odd, they're children. Your children. You can control them, take away electronics, don't give them lifts etc. I would never defy my parents because I knew the consequences (though if it was mum I would have made a fuss but most teens!)

This is where I think one needs to be careful. I have seen parents taking that attitude and this has resulted in compliant teenagers, but teenagers who 'hated' their parents during that time and wouldn't confine in them with any issues. I think I prefer to be a bit less confrontational if it means that they still feel they can come to me if someone is offering them drugs, or my DD is unsure whether to become sexually active, or they are worried to the extent of being sick with their forthcoming exams.

victory

FBaby wrote: »

I agree Victory that it is important to choose battles as my worse fear is that I alienate them so much with my constant negativity, they will end up wanting to have nothing to do with me. Finding the balance between discipline and keeping the relationship is tough. My biggest worry would be that something was really troubling them but would have lost the trust in me to feel the instinct to seek support from me. That would be much more devastating. It is about dealing with the daily frustrations though and making it clear that I don't think their worse behaviours are acceptable. It was so much easier when they were younger, when you told them to do something, they had a quick tantrum and then they were over with it telling you how much they love you the next minute!!

I can only speak from this house but the yelling/sulking/whining/moaning/bang head against wall/ the OMG when will this ever end:rotfl::rotfl: getting them to do things, to be helpful was always a seperate issue to whether they came to me about their sexual needs or school or friends issues, they saw it that way also, in their teenager version of being hard done by, everyone is picking on me, I can't believe I have to put with such parents:rotfl: they could say they 'hated me' but more like they hated to have to be told what to do, to have to do anything at all as it was their God given right to not be involved in anything that took up their precious time and in turn as a teenager they would expect every service provided for them for free and happily:rotfl

For eg a teenager has to be told what to do at school/in a part time job environment, they have to take on responsibilities and be able to give and take, interact within alsorts of age groups, being told what and when to do it within a household expands to skills they can use outside that will stand them in good stead for the future.

I understand what you are saying but also they have to understand that you are not the cruel, evil cruella they would like to pin on you, it is life and things have to be done:D

As for the I forgot the timings, that is not what you said, that is fine, if they want to play games you can play games, if the timings came and went do it this time, I did say that time but as you were not in or misunderstood me or forgot that is fine then you can do it as we agreed next thursday for two hours, or this saturday instead, it sounds like to them that 'oh you keep on, get off my back, leave it, stop hounding me' but if it is said in a way that yes I hear what you are saying and the excuses you are making but even so you will do it in the end, eventually it is pointless to them to keep changing the goal posts, they are just avoiding the inevitable if that is a battle you choose to win.

victory

Today for eg lovely sunny day, all quiet in the household both upstairs on xbox, I would like the lawn to be cut, there is absolutely no reason other than they do not want to do it that it cannot be cut either both or just one, I have asked as a general question that by the end of the day I would like it cut, I have said either one cuts and the other bags up or they do it together, they have every option going , they are not put under pressure and huffing and puffing about it but it was 3 hours ago so far I asked:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

No movement, so either I could be very :mad: by now or just leave it until they eventually pop down and get on with it, I choose the latter, easier for me, for them and at the end of the day they will do it, these teenagers cannot be rushed, they need to speak to someone in USA about their latest acquired FIFA player:rotfl::rotfl:

Also I get a lot...you just do it, you are in, you do it, why ask me? Why have I got to do it? Or well ok then, you get the lawnmower out, set it up for me, you bag up and I will cut the lawn, jeez saying it like that I might as well not bother asking and do it myself:rotfl: but no, I know that trick and never fall for it, I ask specifically for the lawn to be cut and the bagging up at the end, not for sections of the job to be done;)

FBaby

I agree. At the moment, when we have pleasant discussions, they do say to me that I am fair and a good mum which is reassuring however, I am also aware that it is easy to fall into the risk of all communication becoming negative.

I realise that this is especially a risk as they start doing more and more things with their friends and less and less with parents because another typical teenage issue is them not wanting to come out with the family and having to decide whether to force them or not. I believe that forcing them is important because although they moan about it to start with, they will usually come around and enjoy the time together. It's a pain though when once again, you have to go through the sulkiness which drains you at a time you want it to be relaxing.

The risk though is that the less you do together, the more then interaction you have that becomes about telling them what to do or not do, and the least the more alienated from parents they become.

Again, I am finding the right balance between it all tougher than I had anticipated. It is so easy to say to them 'fine, don't come then if you don't want to' assuming that is the solution to please everyone. It reminds me when I told them that I had booked a court to play tennis and all I got was moaning about how they didn't want to play, leading me giving them a lecture about how they should be happy that we were part of a club. I forced them to go, they played with as little enthuasiasm as they could show, I wondered what I was doing when the reality is that I wasn't enjoying myself listening to their moaning, so couldn't believe it when 4 days later, I came back from work with DD asking if we could go and play tennis NOW!

FBaby

it sounds like to them that 'oh you keep on, get off my back, leave it, stop hounding me' but if it is said in a way that yes I hear what you are saying and the excuses you are making but even so you will do it in the end, eventually it is pointless to them to keep changing the goal posts, they are just avoiding the inevitable if that is a battle you choose to win.

well except that with my DS, it never becomes pointless. It is not a game to him, it is plain laziness. He can't be bothered to: clean, tidy, take a shower, clear up, brush his teeth, change into day clothes (yes, still in pyjamas right now!) and the list could go on.... He does tire quicker than the average child his age and always has, so that doesn't help. When he is motivated, he is brilliant, but that seems less and less often! He is also extremely grumpy, so any request, however light hearted delivered will result in a sulk, wanting the last word, sarcastic mumbled words.

No movement, so either I could be very by now or just leave it until they eventually pop down and get on with it, I choose the latter, easier for me, for them and at the end of the day they will do it,

And maybe that's where things are different as to me, for it to be done, either I would have to wait for them to be in the mood to want to do it (because they've decided it could be a fun activity) which is unlikely, or because i will have to remind them to do it, which whether I do once or 5 times will result in the same grumble, 'do we have to', 'but why today', 'but the grass won't grow much by tomorrow, I could do it then' (and if I agree to it to be done tomorrow, will go through the same routine again!) and finally will inevitably end up with a 'fine then, I'll do it' stumping around grumpily, asking me how to get it out of the shed, how to turn it on, the grass emptied everywhere, more grumpiness when I say it's got to be put in bags and then having to go over it all after he has done it because it won't be done as I expect anyway!After all this, I will be left much more exhausted than if I'd gone on with it myself!

Ultimately, I struggle to understand why they cannot accept a certain level of duties in their every day life. They see me constantly on the go (well except today), I have taught them that rewards come through hard work, I have taught them the notion of being organised, of taking on routine tasks, I have made sure not to spoil them with attention or material things, always expected them to do the things they were able to do themselves, so I thought they would have a much more developped sense of duty by now. In the end, they will do what I ask them to do because they know that I mean business and they don't question my authority, but why can't they just get on with it without all the drama they attach to it!

victory

FBaby wrote: »

I agree. At the moment, when we have pleasant discussions, they do say to me that I am fair and a good mum which is reassuring however, I am also aware that it is easy to fall into the risk of all communication becoming negative.

I realise that this is especially a risk as they start doing more and more things with their friends and less and less with parents because another typical teenage issue is them not wanting to come out with the family and having to decide whether to force them or not. I believe that forcing them is important because although they moan about it to start with, they will usually come around and enjoy the time together. It's a pain though when once again, you have to go through the sulkiness which drains you at a time you want it to be relaxing.

The risk though is that the less you do together, the more then interaction you have that becomes about telling them what to do or not do, and the least the more alienated from parents they become.

Again, I am finding the right balance between it all tougher than I had anticipated. It is so easy to say to them 'fine, don't come then if you don't want to' assuming that is the solution to please everyone. It reminds me when I told them that I had booked a court to play tennis and all I got was moaning about how they didn't want to play, leading me giving them a lecture about how they should be happy that we were part of a club. I forced them to go, they played with as little enthuasiasm as they could show, I wondered what I was doing when the reality is that I wasn't enjoying myself listening to their moaning, so couldn't believe it when 4 days later, I came back from work with DD asking if we could go and play tennis NOW!

We have had this. Family weddings, the big birthdays, christenings big outings, non negotiable.

Tennis, swimming, walks out, up to you, if you don't come cheaper for us, more fun for us. They loooooove nandos, big kick off, right you are not coming, see ya' they made out as if they were completely non plus send then said a week or two later ' I can't believe you actually went to nandos without me!!' Can we go together next time?:D

Day trips out are targeted to the audience, no point taking them to see a museum of historian archaeology for eg:rotfl:

As for friends taking over their time, not wanting to go out with parents, yes, perfectly understandable and will happen more and more going through a stage where you barely see them, they always come back though:D

victory

FBaby wrote: »

well except that with my DS, it never becomes pointless. It is not a game to him, it is plain laziness. He can't be bothered to: clean, tidy, take a shower, clear up, brush his teeth, change into day clothes (yes, still in pyjamas right now!) and the list could go on.... He does tire quicker than the average child his age and always has, so that doesn't help. When he is motivated, he is brilliant, but that seems less and less often! He is also extremely grumpy, so any request, however light hearted delivered will result in a sulk, wanting the last word, sarcastic mumbled words.



And maybe that's where things are different as to me, for it to be done, either I would have to wait for them to be in the mood to want to do it (because they've decided it could be a fun activity) which is unlikely, or because i will have to remind them to do it, which whether I do once or 5 times will result in the same grumble, 'do we have to', 'but why today', 'but the grass won't grow much by tomorrow, I could do it then' (and if I agree to it to be done tomorrow, will go through the same routine again!) and finally will inevitably end up with a 'fine then, I'll do it' stumping around grumpily, asking me how to get it out of the shed, how to turn it on, the grass emptied everywhere, more grumpiness when I say it's got to be put in bags and then having to go over it all after he has done it because it won't be done as I expect anyway!After all this, I will be left much more exhausted than if I'd gone on with it myself!

Ultimately, I struggle to understand why they cannot accept a certain level of duties in their every day life. They see me constantly on the go (well except today), I have taught them that rewards come through hard work, I have taught them the notion of being organised, of taking on routine tasks, I have made sure not to spoil them with attention or material things, always expected them to do the things they were able to do themselves, so I thought they would have a much more developped sense of duty by now. In the end, they will do what I ask them to do because they know that I mean business and they don't question my authority, but why can't they just get on with it without all the drama they attach to it!

Because they are teenagers:D it is not a direct personal attack into your parenting, your attention to detail of how you raised them, it is nothing like that, not one thing to do with you personally, never see it like that,it is because they are teenagers, they like a drama, a row, a confrontation, a multi layered answer, a quick retort ( disclaimer not all teenagers)

You have to pretend you are deaf to their drama, too busy to listen to the whhhhhy me? Making out it does not bother you and it will get done:D

victory

It's calmness against the storm, that's what I've learnt , in the old way of handling it, it's 1.45 and still no sign of lawn mowing I would be handling it badly, fuming, shouting, going on, all the negatives and more, which makes it all the more intense and worse, both ways but learnt to say it once, sit back, wait, ignore the questions/ I can't/ won't/ the lawn doesn't need cutting/ why me / why does it have to be done today I know for a certainty now that even if all the above takes place the lawn will be done:D

Ignore, be factual, sit back, go deaf, wait it out, job done:D

Buzzybee90

FBaby wrote: »

This is where I think one needs to be careful. I have seen parents taking that attitude and this has resulted in compliant teenagers, but teenagers who 'hated' their parents during that time and wouldn't confine in them with any issues. I think I prefer to be a bit less confrontational if it means that they still feel they can come to me if someone is offering them drugs, or my DD is unsure whether to become sexually active, or they are worried to the extent of being sick with their forthcoming exams.

It wasn't in a horrible way, I was just brought up with respect for adults so rarely faced these punishments. I am very close with my parents, some of the issues above wouldn't really face me, but my mum was an enormous support with my exams. You can be a fantastic, kind and loving parent whilst at the same time being firm with rules.

But it all depends on so many things, what is applicable to me won't be applicable to another and vise/versa. I have such a great relationship with my grandparents, aunties, uncles and cousins- as well as parents and siblings. Some people I met at uni never call their grandparents and only think of aunties/uncles at Christmas. It's alien to me.

KxMx

When I was 6/7 and having to make my own packed lunch (under supervision) I hated that I had to do it and Mum wasn't doing it for me.

20 or so years later I realise the enormous value in how she raised me!