Paying the kids to do housework

bargainbetty

ste_wilko wrote: »

Kids shouldn't have to help out around the house, apart from tidying up after themselves and keeping their room tidy.

At the end of the day it was your decision to have children. Why should they be made to do housework? They didn't ask to be brought into the world.

Because they are part of a family and community and need to learn from an early age that the world doesn't give you things on a plate and that you need to contribute/work to get the best out of life?

No, they didn't ask to be born, but any parent who fails to raise their child to be a competent and self-sufficient adult is doing that child no favours whatsoever.

Teaching someone how to maintain a home and perform domestic tasks isn't a trauma. It's part of your basic life skills.

FBaby

I was just debating whether to write a new post about my two teenagers when I read yours! I woke up this morning very much with the same thoughts on my mind. We have just come back from a 4 day holiday (for their benefit as involved doing things they enjoy rather than me), and already had an argument with the 11DS who decided that his priority was to go on his play station (fair enough, understand he missed it), but somehow thought it apprpriate to respond by a 'whatever' when I said that soon I wanted him to sort out his suitcase and get the dirty clothes into the basket.

The reality is that when it comes to chores, both my kids are extremely lazy and everything becomes a battle, which I am starting to find hard. They are supposed to get pocket money for tidying up their bedroom, but even that fails each week. They think that putting stuff under the bed, throwing the bedding over the rest, and overflowing the bin constitute tidying up. When I explained that I expect at least the bin emptying, the room to look tidy and the floor to be vaccum, I get a I can't be bothered and don't care about the money.

Asking them to do tasks around the house demands a lot more energy than doing it myself. That's because it will start with a fight over starting it (even if I tell them in advance a time), then they will rush it as quickly as possible, inevitably doing a very bad job at it. Getting them back will result in a sulk, with again a bad remedial job, after which they will get all stroppy and I will get very angry.

What saddens me is that I haven't raised them to end up with such an attitude to housework. From the age of 3 they have been taught to help around the house, but amazingly, I am still where I was then asking them to clean the table and put their chairs back.

Thankfully, they are absolutely fantastic at school, but their lazy attitude at home is really starting to get me down. The reality is that I am facing years of constant moaning and whinging, repeating the same things again and again because letting them getting away with not doing things isn't an option. What is disheartning is that I -foolishly I realise now- thought that if I tackled it when they were younger, it would have become routine to an extent by the time they were teenagers.

Melonade

FBaby wrote: »

I was just debating whether to write a new post about my two teenagers when I read yours! I woke up this morning very much with the same thoughts on my mind. We have just come back from a 4 day holiday (for their benefit as involved doing things they enjoy rather than me), and already had an argument with the 11DS who decided that his priority was to go on his play station (fair enough, understand he missed it), but somehow thought it apprpriate to respond by a 'whatever' when I said that soon I wanted him to sort out his suitcase and get the dirty clothes into the basket.

The reality is that when it comes to chores, both my kids are extremely lazy and everything becomes a battle, which I am starting to find hard. They are supposed to get pocket money for tidying up their bedroom, but even that fails each week. They think that putting stuff under the bed, throwing the bedding over the rest, and overflowing the bin constitute tidying up. When I explained that I expect at least the bin emptying, the room to look tidy and the floor to be vaccum, I get a I can't be bothered and don't care about the money.

Asking them to do tasks around the house demands a lot more energy than doing it myself. That's because it will start with a fight over starting it (even if I tell them in advance a time), then they will rush it as quickly as possible, inevitably doing a very bad job at it. Getting them back will result in a sulk, with again a bad remedial job, after which they will get all stroppy and I will get very angry.

What saddens me is that I haven't raised them to end up with such an attitude to housework. From the age of 3 they have been taught to help around the house, but amazingly, I am still where I was then asking them to clean the table and put their chairs back.

Thankfully, they are absolutely fantastic at school, but their lazy attitude at home is really starting to get me down. The reality is that I am facing years of constant moaning and whinging, repeating the same things again and again because letting them getting away with not doing things isn't an option. What is disheartning is that I -foolishly I realise now- thought that if I tackled it when they were younger, it would have become routine to an extent by the time they were teenagers.

This sounds like my 15y/o son!!

He has been given chance after chance to earn extra money by doing some jobs round the house. He starts putting it off for another day, moaning about it, doing a bad job etc...

Now, he does need the money but I just don't care anymore. My opinion is that it takes me longer moaning at him to do it than it actually takes to do the job. I sound like a broken record and I hate it.

He keeps asking for jobs to do but after the 3rd chance what does he expect. He proves me right every time when I end up doing it myself

I don't have much money and I'm not giving it to him for doing hardly anything. It takes him 3 days to tidy his room... not because it's that's bad but because tidying involves lying on the bed moaning about it :rotfl:

Gra76

When I was younger and during the school summer holidays my parents would give me my 'normal' pocket money but would give me extra if I did some jobs around the house. Usually this extended to washing the cars for £5 (to do both of them) and cutting the grass (which was a large area) for an extra £5.

I used to do this once a week and it would double my pocket money (for 6 weeks at least!)

victory

fbaby great post, perfectly explains how you feel about.

We have all bee there, like I said in my other post of linking money to chores does not always work as we went through 'I am not doing it, I don't need/want the money' so that ended up in stale-mate.

All we have done here is pick the battles worth fighting for like an eg when I asked youngest to bring his plates/cups down he would but he always left them on the side when the dishwasher was in eye view, used to make me very frustrated, complete the job for crying out loud and I would hear my voice get louder and louder and go and on and it never got me anywhere, so now I have had to pick my battles and this one is not worth fighting for so when it is left on the side I put it in the dishwasher and now here and there he does remember to put it in himself, so slowly very slowly it is changing.

I found the more you go on the less they do, I tried timings which worked, I know you are busy playing on your xbox now but I would like you to do x, y z by the end of the day, invariably they would leave it to the last minute to do it which also sent me batty but in context they had done what was asked.

Yes, often it was rushed, not very good, deliberately made bad so I would come along and do it my way but that worked for them for a bit but then I fought that battle and won, I kept on that it was not right, it was done in haste and needed to be re-done and if needs be would stand over them and keep on until they did it as it should be, they hated that as much as I found it boring, a waste of my time and repetative to do, in the end I won that one because they really did not want to do it once let alone twice;)

As for washing and suitcases, here they would know that if they do not bring it down or empty it it would never get done, my eldest is a fashionista (so he reckons:rotfl::rotfl:) and has to have that white shirt for this party washed for this time so he either sorts it out himself or he makes sure it is in the wash to be ready in time, there is no other way, clothes upstairs from my part never get seen to if they do not arrive downstairs placed inside the washing machine.

One other thing I did once was on a sunday I would advise them at say 4pm for 1 hour for eg it was clean the house time and we would all do it, sure if you asked them they would say they were thoroughly fed up with 4pm arriving but from my point of view, they had warning, they knew it was taking place whether they liked it or not and they knew if they did a bad job it would be repeated so it was better for me because I did not have to spend all day every day shouting about chores (just saying it once for the 4pm) they knew they would not get away with it, that we would all do it, so they were not shouted at all the time that was a win, win, they resented it but did it, I stopped having to listen to my droaning moaning raised voice saying the same thing to get them motivated:D

TBagpuss

I think it is difficult once the children have reached the teen age years as you have missed the opportunity to instill good habits early on.

I do feel that it is not appropriate to pay them for helping out, as they should be pulling their weight like everyone else in the family. Obviously this is easier to enforce if all of the adults do a fair share, so they can see that they are not being 'picked on' or expected to do stuff which is not expected of a parent / step parent.

I think a model where you make it clear that they are expected to help and where failure to do so has penalties is appropriate.

One thing which may help is to sit down with them, discuss the things which have to be done and ask them for their proposals as to how the tasks should be divided up. You may find that they would be more amenable to helping out if they had more say in what they did and when.

also - which tasks do you most dislike? For instance, my mum doesn;t like ironing. She taught each of us how to iron, and then made a rule that she would not iron clothes for anyone over 12, except herself and my dad. Anyone older could decide for themselves what got ironed and what didn't.

Similarly, any child who refused to do whatever task was allocated to him or her, would find that things like lifts to get where they wanted to be would dry up.

I do think it is much easier if you start from scratch with everyone being expected to help - we were all expected to help with things like laying and clearing the table, washing up, hanging up laundry and bringing it in etc from an early age, and were always expected to clean up after ourselves, so by the time we were stroppy teenagers it was more or less second nature.

Tidying bedrooms is a greyer area as there is an argument that if they want to live in a tip, that is up to them. So in that regard I would not try to pressure them into cleaning there rooms, I would simply make a rule that they are each responsible for their own room. They don;t have clean it, but no one else will. And then stick to it. Don;t go in looking for dirty laundry - if they want it washed they can bring it out. Don't go in to change the bedding, they can do that for themselves. If they stockpile dirty dishes then you may have to go in and retrieve them eventually, but if you do, don't wash them. That is a load of washing up which child will have to do.

FBaby - have you tried sitting down and talking to your kids at a time when you are not annoyed about it? It may be that if you can make it into a discussion about what it is reasonable to expect each person to do, rather than you simply telling them what to do that it will be less of a fight. also, it may be that there are things which they think of as being jobs which you don't see that way (homework might be an obvious example) and you can then have a discussion with them about how to 'weight' different tasks.

pmlindyloo

Teenagers, don't you just love them!

Problem is they can just be totally different from any other human being on the planet and if you are 'lumbered' with that kind all the suggestions in the world won't make one iota of difference. You just end up with rows/threats/punishments etc etc and the most awful atmosphere in the house.

Haven't got any practical solutions as I've tried them all to absolutely no avail (my kids are in their twenties now and have turned out beautifully by the way!)

My solution was to close the door on their bedrooms. Eventually they would get tired of their mess (could take weeks!) until they decided themselves to clean it. Ditto with dirty clothes - not put in the laundry bin then they didn't get washed. Clean clothes and bedding left out side their rooms! I just did not enter their rooms at all.

This kept me sane!

victory

Also linked to housework their outside social needs, like driving them to the cinema or taking them to a party at a friends house, that kind of thing where you as parent have the control, the power and they have to rely on you to be reasonable and co-operative, if they have not been within the house and do not do the housework, help happily with the chores then it has been known to extend to their wider circle as in...

Mum, can you give me a lift to Smiths house?

Uhm no I don't think I can sorry.

Why not? I need to be there at 2pm, you can drive me there, help me out, you know I haaaave to be there.

Uhm no sorry, I don't think I can help as you were not able to help me with x,y,z when I asked you.

Oh my God (flounce, flounce) why are you being like this? You are being so unreasonable, I can't believe you would do this to me etc etc

Oh right just like you would not do x, y when I asked you

They hated that but it got through in the end, I will certainly be very helpful to you if you show me the same courtesy in return:D

Buzzybee90

victory wrote: »

Also linked to housework their outside social needs, like driving them to the cinema or taking them to a party at a friends house, that kind of thing where you as parent have the control, the power and they have to rely on you to be reasonable and co-operative, if they have not been within the house and do not do the housework, help happily with the chores then it has been known to extend to their wider circle as in...

Mum, can you give me a lift to Smiths house?

Uhm no I don't think I can sorry.

Why not? I need to be there at 2pm, you can drive me there, help me out, you know I haaaave to be there.

Uhm no sorry, I don't think I can help as you were not able to help me with x,y,z when I asked you.

Oh my God (flounce, flounce) why are you being like this? You are being so unreasonable, I can't believe you would do this to me etc etc

Oh right just like you would not do x, y when I asked you

They hated that but it got through in the end, I will certainly be very helpful to you if you show me the same courtesy in return:D

Agree with this! I find all the comments about "what can you do with teenagers?!" Odd, they're children. Your children. You can control them, take away electronics, don't give them lifts etc. I would never defy my parents because I knew the consequences (though if it was mum I would have made a fuss but most teens!)

FBaby

FBaby - have you tried sitting down and talking to your kids at a time when you are not annoyed about it? It may be that if you can make it into a discussion about what it is reasonable to expect each person to do, rather than you simply telling them what to do that it will be less of a fight. also, it may be that there are things which they think of as being jobs which you don't see that way (homework might be an obvious example) and you can then have a discussion with them about how to 'weight' different tasks.

Thanks TBagpuss, yes we do have conversations with them, and when we do, they are very willing. They mean well, but when it comes down to the task, all is forgotten!

The last conversation was after I did something nice for them, and they appreciated it, and I said that all I asked was for them to keep their room tidy and that to help with it, I suggested that we agreed that every Thursday 5 to 6pm was the time they dedicated to it. It was received with a positive attitude and the first week, it went quite well. Then second week, DS forgot and went to a friend, so when I said he needed to come back, he decided that we never agreed 5pm but that we agreed about it after dinner. This lead to an argument because he wouldn't accept I said 5pm. Since then, it is a battle, I always get the 'I'll do it later', the 'I've done it' when it hasn't been done appropriately at all, and the future discovery when I am about to do a washing that half of the previous cleaned and folded load of washing has ended up in the dirty wash basket....

The worse part is when they suddenly have a moment of awakening, and they are all sweet and willing, and I stupidly think that the light bulb moment has fallen upon them and I start experiencing a sigh of relief, to be hit by the 'mum, since I've done x and y, can I have money for w or z!

What is hard to deal with at this time is that I had convinced myself I had done everything to avoid such teenagers! I was a single full-time working mum, so it was hard to instill all the discipline to ensure they didn't become ungrateful teenagers, but I saw it as an investment...at the moment, I very much feel like I'm losing on the investment! I also need to slap myself when the thoughts get to me that 'when I was a teenager, I wasn't lazy, i got up early and loved to go on walks with my parents', unfortunately, sad and true, but I'm sure it masked other disgraceful teenage behaviours as I remember my parents dispearing too about my teenager years!

I agree Victory that it is important to choose battles as my worse fear is that I alienate them so much with my constant negativity, they will end up wanting to have nothing to do with me. Finding the balance between discipline and keeping the relationship is tough. My biggest worry would be that something was really troubling them but would have lost the trust in me to feel the instinct to seek support from me. That would be much more devastating. It is about dealing with the daily frustrations though and making it clear that I don't think their worse behaviours are acceptable. It was so much easier when they were younger, when you told them to do something, they had a quick tantrum and then they were over with it telling you how much they love you the next minute!!