Daughter acting up.

Caroline_a

Poppy9 wrote: »

But I am the parent and she's living in my house not a hotel.

Besides the following day I was up for work at 7 am and she wouldn't be so I would have come home from work that evening to the same mess as she wouldn't have cleaned as she'd ignored my requests for a few days.

If she was in a hotel someone else would have done it! When my girls got to be teenagers I decided that if they wanted to live in a mess then that was up to them - I could shut the door on it. They soon sussed that it was embarrassing if their friends came round and they wanted to go up to their bedrooms!

To me you are giving out mixed messages. You are saying she has to tidy her room at 1am, yet you are doing her washing for her at 11pm! Do you do the rest of her washing? She will have to do her own once she gets to uni so maybe now is a good time to start. She will also have to make the decision whether to live in squalor or not in uni....

Sezzagirl

Hurts Firstly, have a hug and a coffee! It sounds like you are in the middle of a storm at the moment. Hopefully it will soon blow over

I just wanted to say about getting your daughter to do more for herself such as her washing

What worked well with my son was making it more of a habit for him over time rather than telling him to do it in a crisis

E.G. when all is calm in your house, tell your daughter the washing machine is empty, would she like to bring her washing down and then talk her through putting the washing on. Done enough times, this will become a habit for her and she will (hopefully) start to do it without being asked.

If your younger daughter is 13, she's quite old enough to do the same and then your older daughter would see that you are being fair and treating them both the same.

You can then extend this principle to other jobs in the house

Good Luck!

Sezzagirl

Caroline_a wrote: »

To me you are giving out mixed messages. You are saying she has to tidy her room at 1am, yet you are doing her washing for her at 11pm! Do you do the rest of her washing? She will have to do her own once she gets to uni so maybe now is a good time to start. She will also have to make the decision whether to live in squalor or not in uni....

Poppy9 isn't the OP

System

Mojisola wrote: »

Would humour work with her? If she starts on about how badly she's treated and you joined in, getting more and more ridiculous with every comment (think of the Monty Python sketch "Gutter! We could only dream about living in a gutter!), would she end up laughing?

I think so. If someone starts to say things like poor me, life is so unfair the best way is probably for the rest of the family to just laugh at them rather than argue with them. It sounds as though the 17-year-old is attention-seeking.

Bufger

Sounds like she needs to grow up.

Its very typical of that age. Dont bother trying to argue it, just tell her if you're such a demon she can find somewhere else to live for free.

Mojisola

avogadro wrote: »

I think so. If someone starts to say things like poor me, life is so unfair the best way is probably for the rest of the family to just laugh at them rather than argue with them. It sounds as though the 17-year-old is attention-seeking.

I wouldn't laugh at her - if, by reflecting back at her what she's saying by adding your own "hard done by" comments, you can laugh with her, that could work.

Morglin

Hurts wrote: »

Long time lurker here and need some advice/opinions please?

I feel absolutely heartbroken at the moment and like the most terrible mother,yesterday my daughter decided to vent some very nasty words my way and despite knowing that these things are not true it has left me wondering if i really am the person she makes me out to be.

She is 17 in the next few days,she started working not long after starting 6th form,i thought this would affect the child benefit and working tax credits we get but when i called they said it wouldn't because she is still in full time education,because of this i told her that all the time the situation remained like that her wages were hers to keep and i would not ask a penny of her for living expenses.

She earns £60-80 per week and that money is hers to keep and spend as she wishes,i did stop topping up her phone but she has no other 'responsibilities' and i think she is in a very good position,we provide everything she needs and some of what she wants.

Earlier this week i bought our 13 year old daughter a dress for a party as a treat,cue elder daughter having a complete hissy fit and saying it wasn't fair and that we never 'treat' her to anything.

The fact is we do but we do it less than before she was working because she has her wages to do as she pleases with!

On a recent family day out we gave her spending money,we gave her £200 for her birthday and i do still see something she might like and buy it if i have the money,say a mascara or magazine for example.

She is also saying i never bought her teachers any gifts at the end of term when she was at primary school,this is an outright lie,she says we never made sure she had everything she needed but do her younger siblings.

I am in tears,we have never been exactly 'well off' but certainly have provided her with everything she needed and more,she has been treated no differently to her siblings at all,she has clothing allowances,is well provided for and has always had plenty of love and attention too.

She even had another hissy fit because her birthday cake was not bought 'early enough' despite the fact that she will not need or eat it until her actual birthday and i didn't want a chocolate cake melting for a week in the house in this weather.

She has now flounced out of the house and said she is going to stay with her boyfriend for a few days,this will include her birthday.

Maybe i have done something wrong but weighing it up i honestly can't see it,in fact i am starting to think i have raised a spoiled brat and that is my downfall here but i certainly never set out to.

I just think that she is being a brat because there are people who would love to have £60-80 per week to spend as they please nevermind having a hissy fit because they get less 'treats' from parents.

Am i really wrong here? If she is earning that money and allowed to keep it for herself am i really wrong to reduce the amount i spend on 'treats' for her? It's not as if i have stopped completely,i just think she needs to learn responsibility,god knows what she thinks life as an adult will be like!

She is,as i mentioned,currently away from home sulking and i don't know what to do,if i had acted like that when i was that age my father would have kicked my behind out of the door,i am not going to do that but i seriously want her to wake up to how spoiled she is being and how much her false accusations have hurt us.

She's still at the stroppy 'drama llhama' age - ignore her. She will grow out of it.

The problem is that some kids often feel now that they are the centre, and the only important being in everyone's universe - and they need to learn that they are not. :doh:

Raise your eyes heavenwards, and let her strop.

Lin

paddy's_mum

I'm afraid I'd be agreeing with her that you are awful parents who don't care about her, do nothing for her and to whom she owes not one iota of thanks or appreciation.

Up would go my hands with a "righto..suit yourself" gesture and then I would withdraw everything for as long as it took for her to stop stropping and start thinking. No laundry, no tv, no meals provided nor cooked, no lifts, no internet, and so on. Those things must be figments of her imagination in any case if it's true that you do so little for her.

It's always amazed me how the human mind so often only values something once it's on the point of being taken away. A sense of entitlement needs the rug pulled out from under it as sometimes, landing flat on your (ahem!) derrierre is only way to learn.

Good luck.

Indie_Kid

I don't understand why she was expecting dinner last night. I go out a lot during what is normally dinner time. I inform my parents (usually start of the week) of whether I'm going to be home or not. If it's something like a roast dinner, it's plated up and left in the fridge for me. If it's other stuff, I normally have to sort my own dinner out, if I've not grabbed something / taken something with me for when I'm out.

Poppy9

Caroline_a wrote: »

If she was in a hotel someone else would have done it! When my girls got to be teenagers I decided that if they wanted to live in a mess then that was up to them - I could shut the door on it. They soon sussed that it was embarrassing if their friends came round and they wanted to go up to their bedrooms!

To me you are giving out mixed messages. You are saying she has to tidy her room at 1am, yet you are doing her washing for her at 11pm! Do you do the rest of her washing? She will have to do her own once she gets to uni so maybe now is a good time to start. She will also have to make the decision whether to live in squalor or not in uni....

I know a hotel would have but she would be paying for the tidy up service.

I am not the OP and you wouldn't find me doing her special request laundry at anytime, let alone 11pm! She knows how to work the washer or wash by hand so she can get on with it.

She's done a year in uni and I didn't comment on the flat situation, but her flat mates were dirtier than her in the kitchen and I'm surprised they didn't have their deposit held back for the state of the kitchen. Her kitchen cupboard and share of fridge and bedroom was left immaculate - I turned up with carpet cleaner and bleach spray in case needed!!! ! She is living with more house trained people next year so she needs to show them consideration but that's her call even though we will be paying her rent!

In my house, my rules. I'm the parent and that's just life. We are extremely close and will talk about anything but I expect her to show me some respect as her mother. I show her respect, support and consideration about things that are important to her and I expect the same in return.