Daughter acting up.

PlymouthMaid

I think Person-One probably has it right. Becoming a grown up is scary and I think a lot of us would have liked to retreat back to being a child and have no worries or responsibilities to speak of. She may be a little jealous of her siblings now that she is no longer a child. She is throwing a strop but the sensitivities of siblings are a funny area. i think I would perhaps try to do something special and grown up with her when she has calmed down (not to be seen as a reward) and make sure she knows how proud you are of her and her first steps into adulthood. Maybe tell her you hope her younger sibling(s) will be as great about their education/work etc.

Poppy9

Do you over indulge your children? You say you are not well off but gave her £200 for her birthday - that's a lot of money.

Have you unwittingly created a situation where she expects and wants to be treated financially like a child but given the social freedom of an adult. Is she jealous of her younger siblings being in her eyes "care free". They don't have to work for their money/treats, they don't have exam pressures, they don't have to make grown up decisions. I'm the youngest of 4 children and I know my sisters viewed me as spoilt even though I don't think I was. I think they just missed not having to do things for themselves.

You feel you are being generous allowing her to keep her wages but all she sees is she's earning that and the others are getting the same for free so why should she work! As an adult we understand it's part of growing up but she's not getting it!

Try to see her point of view. How much are you treating the sibling? It's not about the value it's about the thought. She may feel forgotten.

She's had her hissy fit and flounced off but I wouldn't leave the situation fester. I would send her a text and say she needs to come home and talk about the situation. If it helps ask her to write down what is making angry/upset and then calmly talk about the situation.

maman

My reaction was that you've done well to avoid such behaviour until now!


I think you aid exactly the right thing and provided when she gets back you just put it behind you (until the next time;)) everything will be fine.


I'm the mother of 2 DDs who now have DDs of their own. I smile knowingly when I see my DGD (17) doing exactly what her mum did at that age and my DD moaning about it!

Hurts

Thank you PlymouthMaid,yes when the dust settles i think one of our lunches and having nails done type of things would be a good idea,we do these things anyway but maybe she needs a bit more reinforcement that she still matters just as much despite being older and growing up.

Ironically the 13 year old had a bit of a cry the other day because she said 'You will never be as proud of me as you are of X,she has her job and 11 gcses',we spent quite some time explaining that of course we will be proud of her as long as she always tries and that she isn't at the same stage in life as her elder sister yet so she shouldn't be comparing herself.

Honestly if i make it through these years with my sanity intact i will be a happy woman.

In addition elder daughter has just text saying she wants to come home,i told her she knows where home is and is welcome to,hopefully she will be calmer when she gets here.

mountainofdebt

Hurts wrote: »

She is 17 in the next few days,she started working not long after starting 6th form,i thought this would affect the child benefit and working tax credits we get but when i called they said it wouldn't because she is still in full time education,because of this i told her that all the time the situation remained like that her wages were hers to keep and i would not ask a penny of her for living expenses.

Poppy9 wrote: »

Do you over indulge your children? You say you are not well off but gave her £200 for her birthday - that's a lot of money.

Have you unwittingly created a situation where she expects and wants to be treated financially like a child but given the social freedom of an adult. Is she jealous of her younger siblings being in her eyes "care free". They don't have to work for their money/treats, they don't have exam pressures, they don't have to make grown up decisions. I'm the youngest of 4 children and I know my sisters viewed me as spoilt even though I don't think I was. I think they just missed not having to do things for themselves.

You feel you are being generous allowing her to keep her wages but all she sees is she's earning that and the others are getting the same for free so why should she work! As an adult we understand it's part of growing up but she's not getting it!

Try to see her point of view. How much are you treating the sibling? It's not about the value it's about the thought. She may feel forgotten.

She's had her hissy fit and flounced off but I wouldn't leave the situation fester. I would send her a text and say she needs to come home and talk about the situation. If it helps ask her to write down what is making angry/upset and then calmly talk about the situation.

Going on from Poppy has said, what struck me was the bit I've quoted from the OP.

Whilst not excusing her behaviour, I'm assuming that to earn that money she's working what 10 hrs a week? From what you've said had the TC / CB situation been affected then you would have expected her to contribute - would that have been fair? I'm not so sure.

Is she expected to save any towards say Uni.

As Poppy says you need to talk in a rational manner to her but the most important thing is to listen to her - that's not to say you have to pander to her though

RuthnJasper

Hurts - I can't really improve on the advice already given. I just wanted to add that you are NOT a bad mum or person. Sadly, your daughter is just at that age when she is being a stroppy little madam, wanting the benefits and perks of adulthood, whilst someone else pays the bills and drives her around.

The words they use and the way they use them can be devastatingly cruel. Despite these storms, I'm sure that your daughter does love you.

Do the boyfriend's family mind that your daughter stays over?

You could give her a bumper-pack of condoms for a birthday present...

Hurts

Poppy9 wrote: »

Do you over indulge your children? You say you are not well off but gave her £200 for her birthday - that's a lot of money.

Have you unwittingly created a situation where she expects and wants to be treated financially like a child but given the social freedom of an adult. Is she jealous of her younger siblings being in her eyes "care free". They don't have to work for their money/treats, they don't have exam pressures, they don't have to make grown up decisions. I'm the youngest of 4 children and I know my sisters viewed me as spoilt even though I don't think I was. I think they just missed not having to do things for themselves.

You feel you are being generous allowing her to keep her wages but all she sees is she's earning that and the others are getting the same for free so why should she work! As an adult we understand it's part of growing up but she's not getting it!

Try to see her point of view. How much are you treating the sibling? It's not about the value it's about the thought. She may feel forgotten.

She's had her hissy fit and flounced off but I wouldn't leave the situation fester. I would send her a text and say she needs to come home and talk about the situation. If it helps ask her to write down what is making angry/upset and then calmly talk about the situation.

Perhaps unwittingly i have done just that,i understand that £200 is a lot,we are not well off but it's not something we can't afford once per year.

I don't overtreat the younger ones,the dress i bought the 13 year old was £6 in a sale so not a huge luxury by any means and i haven't completely stopped treating the elder one,i do still buy her things but less than before because her wages are entirely her own,i know she works to earn that money but equally she is free to spend it as she pleases,i do still treat her at least 2-3 times per month though if only a magazine,mascara,lunch and nails etc.

And aside from material items she is very thought of,she gets a lot of lifts to and from work,has a lot of time devoted to her and if anything i am a bit of a doormat,last night at 11pm she announced her work uniform needed washing and drying which i did without complaint.

She is coming home now and i will talk to her again,i am always happy to listen to her point of view but i wont listen if it is a tantrum or if she is insulting me and accusing me of 17 years of not providing for her when i have.

She can speak calmly and i wil listen,talk and try to resolve this.

Poppy9

Hurts wrote: »

Perhaps unwittingly i have done just that,i understand that £200 is a lot,we are not well off but it's not something we can't afford once per year.

I don't overtreat the younger ones,the dress i bought the 13 year old was £6 in a sale so not a huge luxury by any means and i haven't completely stopped treating the elder one,i do still buy her things but less than before because her wages are entirely her own,i know she works to earn that money but equally she is free to spend it as she pleases,i do still treat her at least 2-3 times per month though if only a magazine,mascara,lunch and nails etc.

And aside from material items she is very thought of,she gets a lot of lifts to and from work,has a lot of time devoted to her and if anything i am a bit of a doormat,last night at 11pm she announced her work uniform needed washing and drying which i did without complaint.

She is coming home now and i will talk to her again,i am always happy to listen to her point of view but i wont listen if it is a tantrum or if she is insulting me and accusing me of 17 years of not providing for her when i have.

She can speak calmly and i wil listen,talk and try to resolve this.

I'm not saying you are in the wrong at all - what I am saying is that we can see it from an adult point of view but she can't. It's important to see where she's coming from so you can explain why the situation is as it is.

RuthnJasper

Poppy9 wrote: »

I'm not saying you are in the wrong at all - what I am saying is that we can see it from an adult point of view but she can't. It's important to see where she's coming from so you can explain why the situation is as it is.

Plus, of course, she is at the age when her hormones are all over the place. Never serves to help any situation...

Hurts

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Going on from Poppy has said, what struck me was the bit I've quoted from the OP.

Whilst not excusing her behaviour, I'm assuming that to earn that money she's working what 10 hrs a week? From what you've said had the TC / CB situation been affected then you would have expected her to contribute - would that have been fair? I'm not so sure.

Is she expected to save any towards say Uni.

As Poppy says you need to talk in a rational manner to her but the most important thing is to listen to her - that's not to say you have to pander to her though

Thinking about it no i would not have expected her to contribute whilst she is still in education even if it had been affected,i made the call because obviously i didn't want to get into trouble if we were no longer entitled to those things,i would have allowed her to keep her wages,provided for her and been in pretty much the same situation as now.

If she left education and worked full time then yes i would expect something but we would work that out based on whatever she earnt,actual living costs etc.

She is not having to save for uni,she will take out student loans where needed but we have been saving to help buy a lot of the things she will need.

I will of course listen to her,i would hate to be a mother that didn't hear her point of view but it will be made very clear that if she starts screaming,using insults etc then the conversation will end.