Daughter acting up.

Hurts

Long time lurker here and need some advice/opinions please?

I feel absolutely heartbroken at the moment and like the most terrible mother,yesterday my daughter decided to vent some very nasty words my way and despite knowing that these things are not true it has left me wondering if i really am the person she makes me out to be.

She is 17 in the next few days,she started working not long after starting 6th form,i thought this would affect the child benefit and working tax credits we get but when i called they said it wouldn't because she is still in full time education,because of this i told her that all the time the situation remained like that her wages were hers to keep and i would not ask a penny of her for living expenses.

She earns £60-80 per week and that money is hers to keep and spend as she wishes,i did stop topping up her phone but she has no other 'responsibilities' and i think she is in a very good position,we provide everything she needs and some of what she wants.

Earlier this week i bought our 13 year old daughter a dress for a party as a treat,cue elder daughter having a complete hissy fit and saying it wasn't fair and that we never 'treat' her to anything.

The fact is we do but we do it less than before she was working because she has her wages to do as she pleases with!

On a recent family day out we gave her spending money,we gave her £200 for her birthday and i do still see something she might like and buy it if i have the money,say a mascara or magazine for example.

She is also saying i never bought her teachers any gifts at the end of term when she was at primary school,this is an outright lie,she says we never made sure she had everything she needed but do her younger siblings.

I am in tears,we have never been exactly 'well off' but certainly have provided her with everything she needed and more,she has been treated no differently to her siblings at all,she has clothing allowances,is well provided for and has always had plenty of love and attention too.

She even had another hissy fit because her birthday cake was not bought 'early enough' despite the fact that she will not need or eat it until her actual birthday and i didn't want a chocolate cake melting for a week in the house in this weather.

She has now flounced out of the house and said she is going to stay with her boyfriend for a few days,this will include her birthday.

Maybe i have done something wrong but weighing it up i honestly can't see it,in fact i am starting to think i have raised a spoiled brat and that is my downfall here but i certainly never set out to.

I just think that she is being a brat because there are people who would love to have £60-80 per week to spend as they please nevermind having a hissy fit because they get less 'treats' from parents.

Am i really wrong here? If she is earning that money and allowed to keep it for herself am i really wrong to reduce the amount i spend on 'treats' for her? It's not as if i have stopped completely,i just think she needs to learn responsibility,god knows what she thinks life as an adult will be like!

She is,as i mentioned,currently away from home sulking and i don't know what to do,if i had acted like that when i was that age my father would have kicked my behind out of the door,i am not going to do that but i seriously want her to wake up to how spoiled she is being and how much her false accusations have hurt us.

BitterAndTwisted

Some adults don't have £60-£80 a week to spend on themselves. I certainly don't! But your daughter won't be interested in that when all she wants to do is get her own way by being unpleasant to you.

Don't take it to heart and most certainly don't engage with her when she's being a brat. Just let her rant away and don't pay any attention to what she says.

Honestly, you sound like a perfectly decent and caring parent. And she sounds like a typically ungrateful and indignant teenager. She'll grow out of it ere long. I hope!

whitewing

I'd just leave her to stew for a bit. Keep the lines of communication open. If she turns up for her birthday then welcome her with open arms and treats, but if she doesn't then accept it.

Errata

You're not going to kick her backside, but you can walk away from her when she starts to kick off. Teenagers don't kick off if they haven't got an audience.

Person_one

Don't take it too personally, I expect this is just a bad reaction to the fact that she's making the transition into adulthood now so isn't being treated the same way as her siblings who are still children.

You know how toddlers sometimes start wanting to wear a nappy and drink from a bottle again when a new baby sibling arrives?

BrassicWoman

Is she by any chance kicking off so she has an excuse to spend her birthday with her boyfriend? As she is aware it's hurtful behaviour and needs an excuse!

Mojisola

Hurts wrote: »

She earns £60-80 per week and that money is hers to keep and spend as she wishes,

Earlier this week i bought our 13 year old daughter a dress for a party as a treat,cue elder daughter having a complete hissy fit and saying it wasn't fair and that we never 'treat' her to anything.

My answer would be "Well, we did when you were 13!"

moomoomama27

My daughter is the same. Same age as yours and same position financially earning up to £100 a week!

She still gets all huffy if she thinks the others are getting more than she has/had. I just ignore it, I know the truth, and we just tell her to cool off, if her nasty behaviour escalates it's a simple case of ignoring her now, she stomps off, goes and stays with the boyfriend and returns once she realises she's been bratty, normally with a gruff apology or excuse!!

Don't take it personally, they are all the same, greedy lol!!

warehouse

Teenager in strop at parent. Not exactly unusual as her hormones are raging, especially if she's just started work as well which can be a shock to the "lazy" body clock.

She seems to be quite normal for a 16 year old if not a little immature, are you wise letting her stay at a boyfriends for days at a time? I definitely wouldn't let my own 16 year old daughter be doing that just yet.

Hurts

Thank you everyone,i certainly don't have that kind of money to spend on myself either but i accept that she is yet to enter the 'adult' world where bills and responsibility come before treats.

I am not sure if she is doing this as an excuse to spend her birthday with the bf,she was going for a meal with him anyway and then coming back to ours for the rest of the evening but they get more privacy at his with no younger siblings there so maybe that is part of it.

When she flounced out to his i simply said 'fine',i am not going to engage her in one of her tantrums,i told her yesterday that she has hurt us and that she actually has a very decent life and needs to stop being so spoiled but i am not going to carry on arguing with her.

We know where she is,we knows she is safe and she certainly knows how to contact us and how to get home at any point,if she chooses to stay away there is nothing i can do about it.

She was until recently a loving and appreciative girl,i suspect as Person_one says it has something to do with the transition into adulthood,she is planning to leave for university in September 2015,maybe she is feeling the pressure,i wish she would talk to us instead of being like this but i do need to remember that this is the mind of a 17 year old girl and she wont always convey herself with maturity.

Very true Mojisola we did and i pointed that out to her too,warehouse i can't really stop her from staying there,i could tell her i didn't like it but legally there is nothing i can do and he does live with parents so there will be some authority figures there.

Thank you moomoomama,it's nice to know we are not alone at least.

moomoomama27

warehouse wrote: »

Teenager in strop at parent. Not exactly unusual as her hormones are raging, especially if she's just started work as well which can be a shock to the "lazy" body clock.

She seems to be quite normal for a 16 year old if not a little immature, are you wise letting her stay at a boyfriends for days at a time? I definitely wouldn't let my own 16 year old daughter be doing that just yet.

My daughter does, I'd rather she stayed there where I know him, his mother and family, than sofa surfing following a disagreement.

In the summer hols she can spend 3-4 days in a row there anyway. There's little you can do to prevent a 17 yr old staying out!