What do I need to do right now?

Startingagainagain

Somerset wrote: »

I've got a completely different outside perspective.


The OP is protecting herself and her son. Quite rightly. The husband seems blinkered as to the problems caused by the SD, the false allegations of physical abuse made by the SD and the possible danger to her son posed by the SD. Her fears are supported by the LA, psychologist and court guardian.


Despite all this external and independent evidence, supposedly by 'experts' that the SD is a danger to the child, the husband


''is absolutely adamant that they < SD & son > must spend time together and that there's nothing at all concerning about her feelings towards him ''


And you think he should have 'unsupervised access' ?? When it's obvious he a) refuses to accept there is a danger and b) will do precisely what he's indicated he will do - allow his SD to spend time with the child.


The OP would be crazy to allow unrestricted access.

Yep, this is pretty much it. I don't see it being a long term thing (I really hope not!) but right now DH is not in a good place to be making these decisions - I've known him for long enough to know that.


The LA and CAFCASS will remain involved with the family, probably until each child turns 18 by the sounds of things. SD is in desperate need of some intervention to try and work through her complex issues - while DS is so little and so vulnerable, there is no way I'm putting him in a potentially harmful situation. I have the full backing of all the professionals involved in the case on this, so to call me controlling is a little simplistic.


He's not a bad man but he's always done what gives him an easy life (in the short term) - with a child that's always been difficult, that's never going to end well. She has no respect for DH really (again, stated in the psychologist's assessment) so that combined with his desperate need to believe she is faultless, it makes me very, very worried about leaving DS with him. I don't feel like I've much to defend myself against there.


I now also have to consider the ex's reaction to what's going to happen in the next couple of weeks. She's still very confident that she will have her children returned (she almost definitely won't) and isn't exactly of rational mind herself. She's been seen jogging round here (she doesn't live round here any more!) and has been trying to contact me lots (I've been the target of rather a lot of her harassment and threats in the past).


Fun and games....

Somerset

Startingagainagain wrote: »

He's not a bad man

I got that from all you've said. If none of this were going on you'd still be happily together. But it is.


I've got no idea on the benefits/money side. Personally I'd leave the area but understand this may not immediately be possible because of the house - it just seems all the drama is there, the SD, the ex, your husbands family. You sound unsupported. But since you can't leave yet, I'd just keep my head down and not get involved in the family politics and drama. Sounds like that's your plan anyway

Startingagainagain

Somerset wrote: »

I got that from all you've said. If none of this were going on you'd still be happily together. But it is.


I've got no idea on the benefits/money side. Personally I'd leave the area but understand this may not immediately be possible because of the house - it just seems all the drama is there, the SD, the ex, your husbands family. You sound unsupported. But since you can't leave yet, I'd just keep my head down and not get involved in the family politics and drama. Sounds like that's your plan anyway

Thank you...I know what needs to happen it's just taking time to clear it in my mind, if that makes sense. I know that DH doesn't want it which is making it harder - very much tugging on my heart strings!


There is more to this (when isn't there?!) and I don't think there's any going back.


It's so sad - I had a lovely day celebrating my dad's birthday with my brother and sister and their spouses and children. It made me feel really sad thinking what's ahead for them and their families versus what I have to offer DS now

Startingagainagain

Apologies for using this as an offloading ground.


I had asked DH for a bit of space - to at least gather my thoughts and get some perspective without his constant emotional manipulation. However, he's been down to the house every day since (as is his right, I realise) when there's been no real need to do so.


I've asked him to let me know when he'd like to see DS which he hasn't yet done.


I heard him let himself into the house earlier when I was putting DS to bed and then received a text a little later saying he had spoken to the estate agent about pushing the house more aggressively (it's been on the market for a few months since I was going to move out around March following one of the incidents involving his daughter).


I don't know if I'm annoyed at for not just leaving things for a few days or his sneaky way of doing it. Why not just say "I've been thinking about things and let's stop kidding ourselves and have a serious chat about selling the house" (or maybe even not trying to sort out major life decisions by text...but that's a whole other can of worms!).


I wish I knew what to do...a crystal ball would be good right now.


I've even tried doing a 'pros and cons' list to see if a anything jumps out at me (it doesn't).


He's been an awful dad to DS - he really hasn't bothered with him since he's been born and gave me not an ounce of support after I had him. He's said several times that he never wanted DS (he told me this for the first time when I was a few months pregnant), has never once got up in the night, or got up at the weekend with him to let me grab an extra few minutes' sleep, done baths, nappies etc. His family don't bother with DS (and they ALL live round here) and haven't for months and months (coming up to a year now I think about it) due to MIL having her nose put out of joint.


His bonkers bl**dy ex is always going to be in the picture and I feel like I'm always going to be fighting him to give DS the same adoring treatment he gives his DD...


But am I enough for DS? I feel like I've let him down so much. He won't have brothers and sisters to grow up with - just me (poor kid!). He was an IVF baby after much heartache (which makes a separation even worse) and I'm too old to be meeting someone else and starting again...


I don't know if we split if I'll look back in a year with relief and think I'm so glad to be out of it - or whether I'm going to regret this and wish I'd found a way of making it work. But then life's too short to live in misery to make someone else happy - but do I owe it to my DS to fight for it?


My head's a complete mess!


If anyone has any pearls of wisdom to throw my way I'm all ears x