What do I need to do right now?

Startingagainagain

StuC75 wrote: »

If he signs over the house (Transfer of Equity), then he loses all claim to the house as he would be removed from the deeds and from the mortgage.

Do consider and recognise that he is giving you that equity in the house - so maybe reconsider how critical you are of the mortgage balance \ debt from previous ccj. In normal terms the house and assets & pensions of both of you would form the financial settlement that is reached.


The CCJ expired 3 years ago (and was for a £20 water bill that he didn't pay!)

So do give a little consideration that whilst he's saying that he wouldn't want a claim to your assets, that your in fact looking for money from his (by saying he is self employed - so seeking to build his own business up)...Im assuming that when you were living together you didn't mind how little earnings he was putting through the books in terms of any cm he may have paid for other child..


You're assuming an awful lot there. He's put a hell of a lot less through his books this last year. The amount he's proposing is far less than he paid for his DD, plus she lived with us about a third of the time. We're not all evil stepmothers out for what we can get. He isn't building his business up - it's been established for over 12 years.

You could always look to sell the house , allowing you to tap into that equity and re-jig your living situation so that you are not saddled with a higher mortgage payment..

I will absolutely have to sell the house. As I said, I'm not from the area and will need to move closer to my family. The question was what I need to be thinking about right now to get me and LO through the next few months.

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

I think the obvious point here is the OH cannot transfer anything without the mortgage provider agreeing, and they clearly wont agree, as the income has gone substantially down.

There is no way they will let you remortgage into a single income if you have £70 spare each month. It isnt happening. So can we just take that off the table as the OP really cannot consider this an option.

Absolutely. I think what he is thinking is that something goes in writing to confirm his stake in the house up until 1st August. He then stops contributing and when the house sells he takes his 50%.

onlyroz wrote: »

Could you continue to pay the mortgage on your own if you took in a lodger?

I could, but it's not realistic to stay here long term anyway, really.


Thanks for all the replies.

mumofjusttwo

He can not decide he is entitled to half the equity without going through court. He can. Transfer the deeds to yourself but, as mentioned, can not transfer the mortgage to you without the mortgage company agreeing.

Hard time for you. You have so much to deal with both emotionally and financially.

As mentioned check about SMI as I know that was a great help when my husband left me.

I know it isn't much but have you advised the council tax people that he has left.

Startingagainagain

Thanks mojt. I've been just about keeping a lid on it but your message made me cry!


I have done the council tax thing and tax credits - I don't think there's much more I can do.


It's a total nightmare - it's basically down to some stuff with his ex and DD that mean we have to separate which makes it extra hard. He's having a really bad time with it and not keeping it together very well which is putting a lot of extra emotional pressure on me. I honestly think he's heading towards some sort of breakdown (hence why I'm not taking proclamations about signing the house over etc very seriously). He really doesn't want to split but (very long story) social services and court involvement have left us in an unworkable situation. Wish I knew what to do!


I'm fortunate in that I have a good job and they're being very understanding (for now!), there is equity in the house etc...it's just this bit that's complete rubbish.

Confusedandneedhelp

Startingagainagain wrote: »

Thanks mojt. I've been just about keeping a lid on it but your message made me cry!


I have done the council tax thing and tax credits - I don't think there's much more I can do.


It's a total nightmare - it's basically down to some stuff with his ex and DD that mean we have to separate which makes it extra hard. He's having a really bad time with it and not keeping it together very well which is putting a lot of extra emotional pressure on me. I honestly think he's heading towards some sort of breakdown (hence why I'm not taking proclamations about signing the house over etc very seriously). He really doesn't want to split but (very long story) social services and court involvement have left us in an unworkable situation. Wish I knew what to do!


I'm fortunate in that I have a good job and they're being very understanding (for now!), there is equity in the house etc...it's just this bit that's complete rubbish.

Ok he doesnt want to split and u do or dont?

No situation is unworkable and theres good advice to be had, but need more info.

Startingagainagain

OK - it's a yarn and a half so I'll try to keep it brief! DH has DD from previous relationship. Her mum has made our lives hell over the years (harassment, threats, vandalism, police involvement etc. etc.). She also has another two children. They were all removed just before Christmas and DSD was placed with us. (other children are to other fathers and have been placed with them).


DH has always had problems disciplining his DD which became more pronounced; she has basically done some things (being violent towards me, worrying behaviour around our LO (he's 18M)) and some other rather serious things which made us all living together completely untenable (the professionals involved are of the same opinion). He moved out with his DD at my request a couple of months ago.


The case is going to court within the next few weeks and it is probable that DSD will not be returning to her mother's (although that is what she wishes) and will be placed with DH.


Social services actually think she would be better being placed into foster care as she has some quite serious issues (and has point blank refused to engage with any counselling or help) but DH is strongly against this (which I understand).


I'm left with the following choices: sell up and return 'home' or (which I'm mulling over at the moment) living separately for a while (we live in the same, very small village).


DSD has strongly stated she wishes to return to her mum and because of her age the authorities won't be in a very strong position to prevent that within the next few years.


There are other issues too, mainly around his behaviour towards me when LO came along, and his family too which have me thinking I may be better off cutting my losses but I have LO to consider as well.


It's been a horribly stressful year and I genuinely don't know what to do for the best. Life is a million times better without DSD under my roof (and I know that sounds an awful thing to say about a child but I was constantly on edge while she was here worrying about what she might do next that I was completely strung out and exhausted) - DH doesn't recognise any of the risks she presents (again, the professionals involved do, and have stated so in their various reports) so blind is he to her behaviour - there's been so much hurt that I don't know if it can be repaired.
I've gone on a bit there, sorry! - does that give a better idea?

Mojisola

Startingagainagain wrote: »

It's been a horribly stressful year and I genuinely don't know what to do for the best. Life is a million times better without DSD under my roof (and I know that sounds an awful thing to say about a child but I was constantly on edge while she was here worrying about what she might do next that I was completely strung out and exhausted) -

DH doesn't recognise any of the risks she presents (again, the professionals involved do, and have stated so in their various reports) so blind is he to her behaviour - there's been so much hurt that I don't know if it can be repaired.

It sounds as if you are doing the right thing. You have to make sure your little one is safe and happy and having a stressed-out, anxious Mum isn't good for any child, apart from any direct risks.

Until your DH recognises that his daughter needs more help than he can provide, there's nothing you can do. He's like an enabler helping an addict to continue a destructive lifestyle.

Confusedandneedhelp

Startingagainagain wrote: »

OK - it's a yarn and a half so I'll try to keep it brief! DH has DD from previous relationship. Her mum has made our lives hell over the years (harassment, threats, vandalism, police involvement etc. etc.). She also has another two children. They were all removed just before Christmas and DSD was placed with us. (other children are to other fathers and have been placed with them).


DH has always had problems disciplining his DD which became more pronounced; she has basically done some things (being violent towards me, worrying behaviour around our LO (he's 18M)) and some other rather serious things which made us all living together completely untenable (the professionals involved are of the same opinion). He moved out with his DD at my request a couple of months ago.


The case is going to court within the next few weeks and it is probable that DSD will not be returning to her mother's (although that is what she wishes) and will be placed with DH.


Social services actually think she would be better being placed into foster care as she has some quite serious issues (and has point blank refused to engage with any counselling or help) but DH is strongly against this (which I understand).


I'm left with the following choices: sell up and return 'home' or (which I'm mulling over at the moment) living separately for a while (we live in the same, very small village).


DSD has strongly stated she wishes to return to her mum and because of her age the authorities won't be in a very strong position to prevent that within the next few years.


There are other issues too, mainly around his behaviour towards me when LO came along, and his family too which have me thinking I may be better off cutting my losses but I have LO to consider as well.


It's been a horribly stressful year and I genuinely don't know what to do for the best. Life is a million times better without DSD under my roof (and I know that sounds an awful thing to say about a child but I was constantly on edge while she was here worrying about what she might do next that I was completely strung out and exhausted) - DH doesn't recognise any of the risks she presents (again, the professionals involved do, and have stated so in their various reports) so blind is he to her behaviour - there's been so much hurt that I don't know if it can be repaired.
I've gone on a bit there, sorry! - does that give a better idea?

Ok im going to give some good advice shortly, but in the mean time the main thrust of your argument doesnt seem to invole your or your OH, so why divorce? Live seperately for a few months whilst the DSD adjusts to her dad, without another woman and child in her life?

Startingagainagain

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

Ok im going to give some good advice shortly, but in the mean time the main thrust of your argument doesnt seem to invole your or your OH, so why divorce? Live seperately for a few months whilst the DSD adjusts to her dad, without another woman and child in her life?

That's quite a strange way of putting it - I've been in her life for 9 years and have been very involved in that time. She's spent about a third of her time with us since she's been 4. The 'child' is one of three siblings.


The living separately would be for at least three years, if not longer.

Confusedandneedhelp

Startingagainagain wrote: »

That's quite a strange way of putting it - I've been in her life for 9 years and have been very involved in that time. She's spent about a third of her time with us since she's been 4. The 'child' is one of three siblings.


The living separately would be for at least three years, if not longer.

Yes but in that time (she is only 13) she has always lived with her mum, and her two sisters/brothers/ etc. Now she doesnt have that and lives solely with you, and her dad, who's attention isnt solely on her anymore, as she is a permanent fixture.

Shes a teenager, which is difficult at the best of times (i presume she wasnt like this when she was 4?), now coping with her mum being gone, her siblings (and social circle) being moved.

A new and younger sibling getting much more attention.

and being past from pillar to post.

I very much doubt she's beyond help. She 'knows it all' doesnt want help, wants to be left alone.

It's very common in teenagers in the most stable family situations, yet alone this.

(I wasnt saying you arent important to her, but there's mum and dad, and there's dad and you, which is seperate relationships)

P.S why 3 years???

Startingagainagain

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

Yes but in that time (she is only 13) she has always lived with her mum, and her two sisters/brothers/ etc. Now she doesnt have that and lives solely with you, and her dad, who's attention isnt solely on her anymore, as she is a permanent fixture.

Shes a teenager, which is difficult at the best of times (i presume she wasnt like this when she was 4?), now coping with her mum being gone, her siblings (and social circle) being moved.


She's always been quite difficult - not really surprising with what was going on at her mum's. She's always struggled to make and maintain friendships from a very young age.

A new and younger sibling getting much more attention.


Ahh..no! That's what a lot of the problems between DH and me have been - since LO came along he has gone into over-compensating overdrive and LO has had naff all from him. He's done less for our LO than he expected me to do for his DD.

and being past from pillar to post.

I very much doubt she's beyond help. She 'knows it all' doesnt want help, wants to be left alone.

It's very common in teenagers in the most stable family situations, yet alone this..


I know, I remember being a PITA teenager! But I think there's worse to come

(I wasnt saying you arent important to her, but there's mum and dad, and there's dad and you, which is seperate relationships)

P.S why 3 years???

3 years because she's 13 now - if she returns to her mum's under her own speed when she's 16 (I'd imagine it will be long before this) , there's very little the authorities could do to intervene. One of the orders states that DH is to see our LO without her and I don't see that changing any time soon.


I'm not at all important to her - she has called me some fairly choice names to the psychologist involved and it turns out has been pretty much coached by her mum from a very young age to believe I'm the reason for all the strife in her life (I'm the reason they broke up, it's my fault they aren't 'great mates' etc. ).